Saturday, January 26, 2013
WHEN SHE IS RICHER (The follow up article to THINK LIKE A MAN ACT LIKE A WOMAN lessons for my Nigerian unmarried sisters)
Hahahahahahaa. My belle ohhhh. Sorry, I am not laughing at you but you know people are laughing right? hahaha. They know you didn't buy the car. (cough cough. clears throat). No. I am sorry. I apologize for laughing but seriously let us yarn. Let us talk as men, of not just our experiences but that of friends and parents and sisters and brothers.
Okay you saw "Notting Hill" starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant wherein a big star like our own Genevieve, falls for a regular guy who works in a bookshop.... not his own but a mere employee in the bookshop. The words by Julia's character to Grant "I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" is some of the most romantic ever said in a movie. Does anybody see Genevieve doing this? If yes, tell dudes the bookshop she will be going so we can go and work there. lol.
Also you have been playing Paul Simons "Diamonds on The Soles of her Shoes" and listening to beautiful singing about how a rich girl with diamonds on the soles of her shoes fell for a boy who was "empty as a pocket"
Now these are fantastic movies and songs especially the NOTEBOOK that shows true love between a rich girl and a poor boy.
However note something for sure, the movies and songs usually end at wooing and dating stages. Any sweet-looking or intelligent, or caring or stubborn/rugged, or sweet-tongued guy etc can win over a rich girl. Women fall for men for whatever reasons and the dating period is usually sweet and even the quarrels and fights make it sweeter. If the sex is great and you both cannot do without touching each other, everything is just great.
But then you move in together either especially as married couple and then the reality hits. The whole novelty of just knowing each other like a new book or movie fades and really you become a book you have read and a movie you have watched. Now with the ebbing of that natural first tide of love which is replaced by the regularity of "everyday", how is this different WHEN SHE IS RICHER?
In my piece on EVOLUTION AND SEPARATION, A PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS OF DIVORCE, I explained that historically men were hunters and women gatherers. That is, it is the responsibility of the men to face the wilds and bring home the bacon which in this case is wild boar (where that phrase "bring home the bacon' meaning to provide for the family) or some other animal. I mentioned that women merely picked berries and learnt to know the poisonous mushrooms from those that are edible, hence when you see them selecting bags or clothes endlessly in a mall, it is part and parcel of their historical evolution of finely selecting the nicest things. Provision is not an integral part of their make up. Selecting fine things is.
I can hear people's brain already putting up an argument that females actually are providers etc etc. I do not argue with that. Yes indeed they are providers but have you listened to them talk about being the providers?
Indeed women HATE the fact that they are the ones providing. Going out and coming in and seeing their man watching television or in front of the computer is the most annoying sight in all the world. In fact, I rate it just behind her coming home and seeing the man with another woman....yes just behind that.
Rich career woman meets handsome decent jobless man. They fall in love and marry. The honeymoon is over. A baby has joined in. She goes to work, he stays at home of course making calls, applying online, reading dailies for openings etc
She comes home after a hard testing day at the office. Now if the plates are unwashed or bed unmade or house untidy, added to the anger of seeing you watching television or fiddling with your ipad or blackberry, it is either of two things....the slow growth of deep detest and or the immediate flaring up and insults. I am yet to decide which is better....to slowly begin to detest you while saying nothing or to shout at you and call you the usual "useless man. Shameless man. Are your mates at home by now? Common plates you cannot wash. I should buy the food, cook it go to work then come bacck and wash the plates. I cannot. I am tired. I am tirrrreeedddd!!!!"
Okay, alright, you wash plates and make the bed?. Your father was never asked to do so. But then you think about it and you tell no one. You begin to wash and cook and clean and do everything she WILL ask. Yes, you have begun to anticipate her wants and are trying to meet them. You wash, clothe and feed the baby. You are like a nanny on steroids. But still you drift apart. She takes the baby from you without as much as "ekale" or "miguo" or "hello". She does not know why she is angry and you do not know why she is angry and her anger awakes your anger and anger is the dominant emotion.........but silence.....silence....it is growing. Yes anger begets anger.
Then a funny thing happens. In church in front of everybody, the baby chooses you ahead of the mother to be carried. She does not mind the baby choosing you at home but in public, while the baby is being admired by all and sundry, she makes to carry the baby and the baby turns her down and everybody says "her, this one is daddy's girl". Because she has held back and is competitive she retorts
"You know i go out to work, the father stays home with her all through. If I stay home to carry her we will all starve"
Silence... You take it as a man but your pride is deeply wounded. You smile but want to wring her neck right there and then. Then a smart guy says
"na so my pikin sef like me pass her mama. She no dey gree her mama carry her" and everybody tells their different stories of their adorable children but you do not hear a word. ANGER!
She tries to apologize but words said are like shattered eggs. For the violent men, they scream and slap her and perhaps get kicked out for a day or two and family come and the issue is resolved but not you. You are the silent type. You begin to withdraw. You begin to detest her like a slave detests its master. Without knowing it, you no longer like her enough to even want to sleep with her. The anger begins to affect your erection beyond any Viagra, or testosterone boosts. On her part, perhaps even before you, she has stopped finding you sexually attractive. The male dominance and swagger with which a cork chases a hen and conquers her into sweet submission is gone. You cannot dominate nothing. YOU ARE WEAK in her estimation. Even when she watches a raunchy movie and wants you, you do not want her back and you just roll over and act like you are asleep. she gets angryyyyy! Hell hath no fury like a woman's c*nt...sorry scorned. She gets frustrated and not that she wants you but to think you do not want her kills her inside ANGER!!!!
Now for sexual release, you both hide and masturbate. Yes, you are the decent man. Yes her being rich may have played a role in your loving her but then you have gotten to knowand love her. With a reversal of fortune with you as the rich guy and she the poor one, you will not mind that she contributes nothing. You will buy her the latest clothes and jewelry. At the back of your mind you even like the fact she is unemployed and can spend time with your lovely daughter. You even will try and get her pregnant again if the next one will be junior so u can buy him a soccer ball. But that is wishful thinking. The reality is that she is everywoman and like the everywoman she is, she prefers a man that provides and you are not that man. It is not her fault. This is part of their DNA. It is okay at the start but not for long. She needs your a*s earning and bringing home something....anything.
Yes dude, you feel you are a nice guy. You feel you did not massage your ego by driving her car to sleep with other girls. You score yourself high marks for helping with the chores and the kid. You point to other people whose wives are the bread winners and how the men outspend the women even with excessive drinking, women carrying etc. Igbinoba was even stopped on the road while with his girlfriend and his wife took the key from him to the embarrassment of the girl and himself. You...you bring no such drama but still it is you and your wife that has drifted most far apart...SADLY
Now here is the most annoying one; her brothers, sisters, children from a previous relationship, father, mother, friends etc. None will respect you and will see you as a leech who has come to reduce the share of goodies they used to enjoy. Any changes you try to enforce in the house as the man will be easily discountenanced. NO MONEY NO RESPECT cliche rings true for the first time in your life. Your wife is forced to delicately balance you her husband whom she is angry at, with a mother that starved to train her, kids she bore for nine whole months and worked hard to train on her own and who represent her entire life's joys and struggles. As a man, the balancing never feels right because you remember the absolute authority your father has, that your younger brother has in his home because he works in Chevron etc. In fact the other day you almost insulted the mother who told you that the meat you took from the pot was too much, that others have not eaten. ANGER!!! FRUSTRATION!!!.
So do forgive me when I laughed at the beginning. You have discovered quite painfully that a man's money is the wife's but her money isn't his. A wife can brag with how rich her man is but for a man, it diminishes him in many ways. You have come to understand the difference between "Oga" and "madam husband". You have come to understand when people only walk to you when "madam" stands near you. And if things do not change, your "sit down junior" will make little meaning unless mommy says "junior, obey your father. sit down"
I do not know how to talk to a woman WHEN SHE IS RICHER so she comes to understand exactly what happens to a man's psyche and self-worth deep inside. I do not know how to inform them that 80 percent of the time, the man criticizes himself even worse that you can ever do. In fact he despises himself.
However, i can talk to dudes and make the following suggestions. Indeed i must first say the conversation continues and I welcome counter or further suggestions. But here are mine
1. Get the eff outa the house in the morning. My cousin Smart Ofugara say "house dey swallow man." another of my friends Peace Imoh suggests "carry-waka better pass carry sitdown. MOVE!
2. Seriously do help with the chores. It lessens her anger that is sure to be present. Even if you were rich and except you had servants all over the place, I'd still suggest you help out
3. Dude, like really, do not use her car and roll with friends and expect her to refuel it. If you really are broke, get a friend to fuel it or you are with wrong friends. If you can bring the car out, they can fuel it. It is demeaning asking her for money to go out with friends when she is very likely not happy you are going out with friends thinking it is to be with other women (You know women and their suspicions)
4. Seriously have some pride. Do not pick up chicks with clothes bought for you by your wife in a car fueled and paid for by her. It is bad enough for rich dudes to cheat. have some pride. seizing the car key from you in front of a girlfriend has to be more embarrassing than what Falcao did to Chelsea that day.
5. Do not go bringing some funny high-risk business for her to fund. NO! Music business in Nigeria is too inclement as is movie and crude oil or diesel. It is hit and miss. For every Wizkid, there are 1,000 people whose investments have washed down the drain. Along with applying for jobs, ask Peters Onyeama on facebook about fisheries and at Bright Ikpitanyi or Jakpo Pablo about laundry services. Also getting trailers and bringing tomato or onions from North to south seems a no-brainer so look into it and make sure you read enough and ask the right questions about it and that you will be physically present to do the business putting pride aside and ready to make a living even if your wife is CEO of World bank.
6. If you are staying in her house as in you moved in with her, try and ensure a promotion by her does not make her want to rent a more expensive place. If she is building, fantastic. If she moved in with you, better. Let her build with the extra money or buy a house. Nothing is more humiliating than when a landlord comes and you say, "sorry landlord, my wife never give you? Okay, I go remind her"
7. Do not beat her up. Women have bad tongues, ask well. Rich or not, they will wash you down. beating her does not prove your manhood. Show restraint, rich or broke. Develop a thick skin to her bilious tongue. Think about all the nasty things your mother has told you. Does it mean she does not love you? OK your mother is perfect but your wife is not so bear it.
8. Walk away when you do not like her friend, mother, sisters etc. As for the step-children, do try your best and develop a relationship. But for the rest, "kpa ero vre" which is urhobo for "ignore". If you are very busy at your the new business you established, you wouldn't notice the silly things (yes silly) her mother and sisters say.
9. Buy her things. BUY HER THINGS. Even if you have to borrow money or with the one she let you have, buy her tings. (You should read the article on SEPARATION AND DIVORCE, A PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS on this blog to understand why all women like a man bringing them things.)
10. Monkey is for play. If monkey does not somersault and throw "backie", monkey ends up in Banga soup. Negro, you better find a way to get it up and copulate with your wife. There is nothing more healing than a good bout of sex. Feel free to use toothpick to remove hairs from your teeth after. (this is for the discerning men...yes it is what I mean)
11 Whatever applies to your direct situation.
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