Thursday, August 29, 2013


Mama Osaro goes to meet the DHL delivery man as he delivers the box. She had prayed for her husband not to be around when the box was delivered. How could she explain to him what was inside? So with her heart racing, she grabs the box and shuts the door and locks it securely even though it is mid afternoon.

She looks at the content of the box as she opens it. She wondered if she could follow up with her plan. It had taken all of her will to even have thought about it how much more agree for her friend to send it to her.

The conversation with her long-time friend had been heart to heart. Ifueko lived in Holland, the land of "anything goes" and has always been a free adventurous spirit from childhood. She was yet unmarried at 39. The conversation that day was so heart to heart Ifueko opened up to her

Ifueko: Oghogho, hmmm, you do not know the half of it. Men nowadays are just after one thing....two actually. They want to chop your body and then your money.

Mama Osaro: Ifueko!!! You cannot keep thinking like that. There must be one among them that is yours.

Ifueko: Even if they carry an ID from God that says "Ifueko's husband", I will not believe anymore. I have seen pepper in this my life.

Mama Osaro: Pepper? Ha! You that have all the freedom and money in the world? You are enjoying I tell you.

Ifueko: Enjoy? hahahahaha. I will trade it all for one man who will truly love me.

Mama Osaro: Then get one

Ifueko: Easier said than done. Is it that easy? Me you are seeing here, I have cooked, cleaned and given a man my bank card. hmmm. I have even polished his shoe. Me Ifueko, finest girl in pharmacy, head pharmacist St. Antonius Ziekenhuis Nieuwegein, I have bent down and polished a man's shoes just because he promised to marry me.

Mama Osaro: I see your pictures on facebook and you have no idea how envious I am of you. Me, since I got married, it is like I immediately became ugly. Do you know even my wedding night my husband slept off and left me in my white gown? I pulled it off myself. All my fantasies of how romantic that night will be dashed.

Ifueko: papa Osaro must have been tired.

Mama Osaro. Tired? Did he go and play football or run a marathon? Did I not dance more than him on the wedding day? You have no idea how annoying to hear a man snore near you when you want him to touch you
Ifueko: If he does not touch you, where did Osaro come from? He must have been "doing" you every night because you had Osaro same year you married. You married in January, had him by November

Mama Osaro: Is it by many times? hmmmmmm. Before we got married, he used to fight me to sleep with him. It was you that encouraged me to even allow him sleep with me else i would have been a virgin on my wedding night.

Ifueko: Oghogho or is it Mama Osaro, so you really were a virgin? I thought you were lying oh. It was when Agbons confirmed it to me that he deflowered you that I finally believed. I thought maybe on one very good day you had given it out to one guy back in secondary school or something.

Mama Osaro: God forbid.

Ifueko: God forbid what? We that allowed boys put their small....

Mama Osaro: Pls it is enough. Do not spoil me

Ifueko: Holy virgin mother of Osaro. In fact, I am sure you do holyholy in bed when you should be giving him strong....

Mama Osaro: stop stop stop.

Ifueko: Stop what?

Mama Osaro: You know I am born again so I cannot be....

Ifueko: Okay you are born again, why are you telling me how your husband snores?

Mama Osaro: em... I don't even know why I said it

Ifueko: How long have we known each other?

Mama Osaro: at least twenty five years

Ifueko: So with how long I have known you and how exposed I am, you think I cannot tell when a woman is undersexed and sexually frustrated?

Mama Osaro: em...well.... (sighs)

Ifueko: Do you touch yourself?

Mama Osaro: God forbid. It is a sin

Ifueko: Hmmm ok. I will not argue with you. But for me, it has reached a stage where if I see my own fingers or small batteries, I get turned on

Mama Osaro: Jesus!!!

Ifueko: Even the fat candles of the priest in church makes my minnd wonder...

Mama Osaro: May God forgive you

Ifueko: Amen. Is it every time you will call Jesus name even? I use cloth to cover my bible and rosary when I want to "love myself like my neighbour"

Mama Osaro: You mean "love your neighbour as yourself? This Ifueko! You will turn the Bible upside down. Moreover whether you hide the Bible inside wardrobe, God can still see you.

Ifueko: So what will not be a sin to you?

Mama Osaro: See, you know I am very shy. Do you know I have never once asked my husband for know...

Ifueko: really?

Mama Osaro: How will I tell him? Papa Osaro or Agbons or honey I am .... I cannot.
Ifueko: So what do you do?

Mama Osaro. Nothing. I wait for him to want me

Ifueko: And how often does he want you?

Mama Osaro: Well, between drinking with friends and staying too long in the office and watching Arsenal, hmmm...then being tired and having head ache or stomach pain....or being too drunk or even having malaria that goes away once it is morning....I would say......

Ifueko: No let cobwebs go dey for there oh

Mama Osaro: what?
Ifueko: You want make the thing rust abi?

Mama Osaro: Ifuekoooooo!!!

Ifueko: And here I was thinking married women have all the sex in the world with a man that comes home each night

Mama Osaro: You have no idea. Boyfriends aim to please but once they are promoted to husband, in fact it is almost early retirement especially after giving birth. But Ifueko, I am still fine am I not? (her voice breaks leaden with tears)

Ifueko: Do you want my honest advice? You should...

Mama Osaro looks in the box and begins to check its content. Yes she was going to do it just like Ifueko advised. She had "researched" a few "new media coital lectures" which in truth was some porn sites Ifueko had given her links to. She was ready and resolved or was she?

Papa Osaro comes home ready for it to be the usual evening then night. His every waking thought was with Arsenal Football club and he knew his whole happiness was based on how well they did. If only Wenger knew how many people's happiness hung on his decisions, he would stop selling and sign world class players and not small boys. He parked his car in the garage and as he came down he wondered the food Mama Osaro cooked. Mama Osaro,....hmmm she was well named Oghogho at birth meaning Joy and indeed she was a joy.... that was one of the things that he was thankful for...mama Osaro. She was his spine. She was so uncomplaining. He always laughed when his friends tell him of how troublesome and disobedient their wives are. Well, his classmate much younger sister Ifueko introduced him to her friend Oghogho and that has been the best thing anybody has ever done for him. He was ten years older and at 46 he felt on top of the world....good job, happy home, cold beers and then Arsenal. Life is good.

He sits down to eat a sumptuous plate of pounded yam and egusi soup. He notices that the mounds are a little more than usual and also how much more delicious it was than the ones prepared with powder. This was an Edo woman hand-pounded yam…pestle, mortar and all. He had learnt from his father that no matter what he did outside, he must come home to eat. He knew it was the height of disrespect to come home bellyful with food from another woman.

So with his tommy loaded he went to bed knowing it was straight to dreamland. He notices his wife’s eyes following him watchfully and wonders what is on her mind. It has been a while he made love to her but frankly he was not minded to. He has an early morning meeting or should he blame it on a headache or tiredness or simply a lack of zeal to do the very monotonous lovemaking that marital sex had become for him.

As his wife enters the bed beside him, he feigns sleep and turns his back to her as usual and his mind wanders again to Arsenal his football club. Why won’t Wenger sign quality players for Christ sake…

He awakens to a not so gentle slap on his cheek. He tries to touch it and finds he is handcuffed to the bedpost with policeman standing over him. He panicks and looks again and sees it is his wife standing over him in police gear. He must be dreaming he thinks and tries to wriggle his hands free to no avail. Both his legs and hands are secured by the handcuff.

“Osanobua! What is this? Oghogho. Mama Osaro. What is this?”He tries to say but finds he is gagged as well. He is at her mercy. “Iyevwe is this how I am going to die?”

Mama Osaro goes to him and slaps him again and pinches his breast. He feels a sharp pain. What has he done to her to deserve this? Does she want to inherit his house? But… oh… she sits astride him and puts her tongue on his nipples and nibbles and licks and bites. He tries to wriggle all to no avail. She is scratching and biting all of his neck and sides of his belly. It is pleasure and pain mixed and then what she has never done before….she is going down and down and he could feel how turgid he had become as she holds his... and puts it in her...what is this? Is she trying to talk to it? It is not a microphone… “Osanobua……Oba Atokpeye…….”

The next morning, he is at the table. Not a word is exchanged between he and his wife. The events of the last night has left him tired and yet befuddled. He still could not make sense of it.

Oghogho: Papa Osaro, I need the money for Osaro’s school fees and uniform. You know he is starting a new class today. You said you’d give me this week

He gets up, gets his chequebook and issues a cheque of the amount, still saying nothing. He grabs his laptop bag and dashes off.

Mama Osaro was watching a Nigerian movie starring Tonto Dike when the door opens and she sees her husband come in with her father and mother. Right behind them is Agbontaen’s father and mother.
Also entering was their pastor and a host of uncles and aunts. Then the village herbalist that was responsible for the “izobos” (sacrifices) at junctions to appease the gods followed. They all took their seats…all avoiding her eyes. Even “Odiokpa” the oldest man of her husband’s family and his wife come in. He is the okaegbe head of family.  Then five minutes later, their family doctor walks in

Mama Osaro: Epa, domo, koyo …what brings you all? What do I offer you

Eghosa: (he was the spokesman at their marriage ceremony and a senior cousin to her husband Agbontaen.) Mama Osaro, sit down, sit down. Do not worry. We have eaten. How is Osaro?

Mama Osaro: He is fine. I just put him to bed.

Eghosa: Good. We will try and not wake him up. How are you? (there is worry in his eyes as he asks this and now everyone looks at her keenly)

Mama Osaro:oruan mwen my inlaws  I am fine. Why, what happened? Is everything okay

Eghosa: That is what we came to find out. Your husband told us all is not right with you so we have gotten the doctor to look at you and make sure that all is alright. You see, this heat in Nigeria is enough to make people go crazy so we said it may not be your fault. It is while someone is still at home that it is best to treat her and not when she has run into the market. Once you enter the market, there is no cure anymore

Mama Osaro: God forbid. Tufia. Osanobua de ba men. I cannot be mad

Eghosa: Ise. That is why we are here. To make sure….

Mama Osaro (To Papa Osaro) Agbons, what did you go and tell them?

Papa Osaro: What did I go and tell them? My wife handcuffs me like I was Lawrence Anini and Monday Osunbor, wore police uniform like she was Iyanmu and you are asking me?

Mama Oghogho: Iyevwe!!! Handcuff? Oghogho, you na policewoman? Wetin you say you want join wey you small, wey we no gree wey make you  go read accounting, na your husband body you for come dey do olokpa?

Papa Osaro: Oghogho tell them everything you did. Tell them

Eghosa: Mama Osaro tell us what happened

Mama Osaro: Agbons, finish the story. You have started it, finish it

Papa Osaro: Mama Osaro. They are talking to you. Tell them.

Mama Osaro: Agbons…..Agbons

Papa Oghogho: My daughter, did you handcuff your husband

Mama Osaro: (unabashedly) YES!!!

(Iyevwe… Oviedo!! Walare. And other exclamations rent the air. Everyone is taken aback)

Papa Osaro: You see! I told you all she is Ogbanje or has run mad. Quick let us take her to the hospital

Papa Oghogho: Oghogho, my daughter, why did you handcuff your husband. What happened

Papa Osaro: let her tell you everything. If I pull my shirt, you will see all where she pinched and bit me. This woman you are seeing here changed into a tiger. I saw her tail. It is by God’s grace I am alive.

Papa Oghogho: My daughter, tell me what happened

Mama Osaro stays silent. Hand crossed across her chest in defiance.

Papa Osaro : Goes into the room and brings the handcuff and police uniform and puts it on the table) That is it. That is what she handcuffed me with and then she….she …she…

Mama Agbontaen: The Oba must hear this. Tell us what she did next. No wonder they said we should fear quiet people. To think she was my choice for you….

Mama Osaro: Ask your son if he enjoyed what I did to him

Eghosa: Iye!!! Enjoy what? You handcuffed him and and..pinched him and almost bit his breast away from his chest and you are saying we should ask him if he enjoyed it? Thank God Uselu Mental home is not far from here. Oya ……. Lets go.

Mama Osaro: (To papa Osaro) Agbons, if you lie, uwa zagha (you will explode and scatter to pieces) Did you enjoy it or not???

Papa Osaro:….(stays silent) em….

Mama Osaro: (reaches for her phone.) I video taped it with my phone. Here, you all can watch it.

Papa Osaro: (he dives at the phone, Mama Osaro refuses to hand it over and a scuffle ensues. Everyone joins the melee as they pull them apart)

Eghosa: Agbontaen. Will you behave yourself? This woman recorded it all. Are you trying to destroy the evidence and exhibit?

Papa Osaro: If you want to watch blue film or porno, go and buy. It is not me and my wife that you will watch

Eghosa: It is not that we want to….em…you see… we all need to watch it so that we can come to a good conclusion. You are truncating this case

Papa Agbontaen: My son, let us watch it to fully understand what went on

Papa Osaro: Nooooooooo……

Mama Osaro: No oh Agbons, you must let them see. Now that what happened between us you have gone to call everyone, let it all come outside.

Papa Agbontaen: What is it my daughter…the one in whose house I am always welcome. My favourite daughter in law, please do not be angry. He did not tell “everyone”. We are family. You are my daughter

mama Osaro: Then let him let me show it to you. Epa, see. I have been in this marriage, have I ever complained to anyone? I have done everything expected of me. Mama Agbontaen here jokingly asks me if I will not give birth to a second child aand if everything is okay. I smile and say it is God that gives children. Is it God that will sleep with me when I am ovulating? My body will be ready, I will not see my husband to sleep with. He is working late or tired or headache…headache that does not worry him when Arsenal is playing. I have bought Panadol Extra and Alagbim and Phensic all to stop headache…no way.

Okay, I would have said he has a low libido or even low testosterone and then I find he is sleeping with this girl whose mother owns the bar he goes to drink.

Papa Osaro: Iye!

Mama Osaro: Iye what? Am I not the one who washes your pants? Don’t I see sperm stains? Don’t I smell the perfume on your shirts? What do you take me for Agbons? ………. You think I am a fool right (turns to thee others) Epa, I have not even brought it up so I do not quarrel in my house. I simply cry to God and put it in prayers. I cry every night as he snores. I have looked at myself in the mirror, has childbirth flattened my breast so much my husband never desires me? When he touches me….1..2…3 he has come. What is it???.....Am I not a human being? Now to that girl. The person who told me about her said she is calabar and so “know work” meaning she can please my husband better than I can. Me…a Bini girl… we that men all over the world desire us from Italy to Holland to America, one Calabar local champion says she “knows work” more than me……
So I decided to show him what he has at home that he is not seeing. I let him know if a woman is keeping herself, it is not for a lack of desire. It is blood in my veins not ice water. So I showed agbons pepper. You people should watch the video. You should see how he was shouting and begging. He says he is Roman Catholic but he spoke in tongues when I wind my waist on top of him.

Papa Osaro:…Emmmm Oghogho please it is enough…

Mama Osaro: What is enough? Tell them how you shouted when you were com….

Papa Osaro….yeh! It is enough!!

Mama Osaro: I will not be hushed anymore. You men do what will make your wives seek pleasure outside. You think because you put a ring on my finger and poured drink on my leg and told me of taboos, that is enough to keep a woman at home and faithful? YOU LIE! Even circumcision is not enough. You like tell a woman “ogun wa gbue” that Ogun will kill her, if she does not find satisfaction at home, if her husband is taking the sperm for the family and giving it to outsiders, he should be ready to hear stories too of his wife. Oh you think we are afraid of divorce?

me I am a Christian. I will never desecrate my home by giving a body I have given to my husband in front of God to another man. NO. But I must get my own in my house. Except you will lock yourself in another room. If you sleep, like Adam, like Samson, I will do things to you as you sleep. If you even lock yourself iin a room, unless you do not eat my food. I will put sleeping pills and I will chain you and collect my own. This time it will be hot candle and all those crazy things I see in the porno on your laptop. All those things you see in those movies, I will show you your wife at home can do all of them.”

Silence….silence….you can hear a pin drop.

Mama Oghogho: Oghogho, child wey dem born with this kind of handcuff style, the pikin no go be armed robber so? The style and time wey man take give woman belle dey matter oh. Your brother wey stuborn for there, na because na hot afternoon your papa rush me that day oh. Naim make him blood dey hot

Doctor Nosakhare: Mama Oghogho. I do not think that is true. Hehehe. The time and type of mating and gymnastics employed has nothing to do with how the child behaves later in life.

Mama Oghogho: Doctor, na you wan tell me wetin I know? You mean say pikin wey papa and mama do small small born and the one wey the papa rough handle the mama go behave the same Na lie. Me, my children, I know how I take conceive each one and how them dey behave and why

Doctor Nosakhare: Em…well,that is worth researching. As to why I was invited, I declare her compos mentis, to borrow a phrase from our brother Obahiagbon. But you see, em…I have to go and see my wife immediately. Emm….if she gets this idea of handcuff, I am afraid she will cuff me and throw away the keys. Please let me go and do my duty. In fact, I think I have some Viagra in my car. (he exits)

Papa Agbontaen: I believe this matter has settled itself. Agbontaen, we have small talk with you privately later

Odiokpa: (Oldest man about 80 years old. Goes to the police uniform and handcuff, looks at it slowly. Looks at his wife) Abieyuwa, will this uniform size you. I want you to try it on later and handcuff me.. I have always wanted to do it with a police woman. It is only nurse we have tried

They all rush to Odiokpa

All: Epa La wowo. Please, we love you

Papa Osaro: Epa please. Let us save for good things not burial epa. If I show you the video, you will know it is by God’s grace I am alive. Lawowo. Please. You people are too old to try this at home

Odiokpa: If I die like that, is it not good death? I then started my heaven from here. Where is the police baton? I want her to have it all

Odiokpa’s wife: Gimme the uniform and handcuff. Who is too old? You think we have been married for fifty years and given birth to eleven children by playing Ludo? Don't worry.  We will do it gently gently, small small.

Thursday, August 1, 2013


 I know toooooo manyyyyyyy excellent sisters some of whom I spent enough years in school with to know they are excellent well-brought up girls and I see many are still single. One or two I can even swear are still virgins sef.... that is how decent I view them. (Me I no know oh. I no do "egg test". Emphasis is on "view")

With all the "I want a decent, Christian/Muslim well-brought up girl as wife" that is uppermost in many bachelors mouth when asked their choice of woman to marry, how come the "decent Christian/Muslim well-brought up girl" is the last to be snapped up by eligible bachelors?

I have taken the pains to enumerate a few reasons that come to me why the good sisters apparently end up being single the longest. Here are a few of them

Some diamonds are so pretty and bright, everyone assumes the diamond is too good for them or too expensive or already taken. Many men disqualify themselves long before the criteria is set, so they never find out if they are good enough or not. Seriously how many brothers have the confidence to approach a beautiful medical doctor driving a 2011 Honda Accord and being "dobale'd" for with "doctor, doctor doctor"  calls following her? How much worse is a lawyer who many already feel that "hmmm that one wey go dey correct person English naim u dey go follow? She go quote "crinkum crankum" and "higi haga" and tell you say your marriage is "floating near the Bermuda triangle" and you no go understand wetin she dey talk?"
Thus with this defeatist stance of potential husbands, the decent doctor/lawyer/engineer/business tycoon single girl drives home to a very lonely cold bed made worse by the air conditioner in her room.

. To function optimally in today's society, people need at an average of 16 years of education (6,3,3,4). If you add years for being a professional or doing masters and doctorate...then even factoring strikes and maybe need to change from microbiology to medicine or Social works to Law or from OND to degree or simply not getting scores high enough first and second time or writing JME, girls are usually aged about 23-32 by the time they are done with school....32!!!! You want to kill Yerima the Senator abi??? 32!!!!
however not only the pedophile Yerima has this coplex of seeking children for marriage....okay not children but young girls between 18 and 24. These men though nearer fifty than thirty believe only little girls will obey them as our culture makes age a yardstick for respect. What they forget is that a 16 years old girl, the the man and her have begun to.. you know... from that minute the respect is halved...quartered and even gone. In fact, these young girls are quicker to say "stupid old man" than a more mature woman who has learnt to value the gift of a husband. But do these men know this? No! So the decent-achiever sister again goes to her bed alone while "bros" railroads the small 19 years old girl to the altar.

 A lack of "menxperience" (experience with men). You start dating at 25, how do you compete with a girl that has known men since 15 and know when they are angry, hungry horny, cheating, etc etc? You are a learner in comparison.

Being decent, there are a few "horizontal" things they may not agree to do. Okay you as a man has had your sexual "coming of age" (pun intended on the "coming") from friends stories and porn including the old DAUDA THE SEXY GUY comics. Then you date a girl that attends REDEEMED and who hears Adeboye say em.... you bad. Now men having a very adventurous nature.....a spirit which has made us conquer everest, the moon and space, wants to experience those things he "mistakenly" read and watched and his "serious born again girl" hesitates to give him and thence comes the :strange women"....well not strange but experienced and Brother Olugbenga is shown "Heaven" now- now-now-now here on earth and not the one Pastor has been preaching about.... and there goes "heartbreak of Sister Angela

 Simply because they are faithful, they expect the greatest level of faithfulness from their men....well men....that disappointing creature that has exasperated God since Adam through David and Solomon.... men. So the first straying by the man...straying that may have been caused by sexual frustration and heaviness of the cross (Cool down, the Cross is heavy. Jesus sef fall. Na Simon of Cyrene help am carry small  not to talk of ordnary man. We must fall na abi?) they hold it against the men so much and they actually call it off. Brother Cosmos begs for a while but indeed moves on "I done tire for the holy-holy sef" he says.

Now Sister "SELLina" sorry Celina, knows she sef has her "kurukere waka" which brother Cosmos knows nothing about. She will rant and rave and collect the begging sharply from Brother Cosmos knowing "she no holy pass". So at the end Brother Cosmos the "faller" marries selling Celina who even gave her other boyfriend one hot goodbye....em....em...a week to the wedding with Brother Cosmos.

 Sister Pristine is like a Ferrari, she never advertises. SHOWla sorry Shola on the other hand is like Toyota and will advertise endlessly. In fact, she will do promo. She will push the twins on her chest out... so out that Brother Seekiru sorry Sikiru will See(kiru) and "as far as the eyes can see, he reaches out and....

7. NOT REACHING OUT....not venturing.

Sister Ruth will "wait on the lord" for her Boaz. However since God does not put a sticker on any man saying "MARRY THIS ONE. HE IS THE GOOD ONE" many good ones pass Sister Ruth by even as Gabriel is shouting GIVE HIM A CHANCE OHHHHH! HE WILL STOP SMOKING. (as my dad did) LOOK PAST THE BENSON AND SOON YOU WILL BORN BEN a SON.

SISTER RUTHLESS on the other hand will take study a guy....warts and all and if she sees certain character traits she can work with. She will then give this "ozige guy" a shot and look beyond some annoying traits and funnily, with her own Mary Magdalene-type crying-on-Jesus-leg-use-hair-to-wash-Jesus-feet-BRIBE, her confra-smoker-partier man will just suddenly realize that he is getting older and start with Christ Embassy and "guy-guy" churching will get serious and he is using the same fervour with which he partied to serve God. There is a picture of one badooo bros back then carrying his little daughter with a clothe on his back like a village woman and wife posing with a hand on his shoulder on his profile picture. I remember shouting " u use wraper tie pikin for your back so guy?" and his reply to me was "Ena, hope you done repent oh... Jesus na the way oh. My wife (then just wooing her)  invite me come church, I go remove am come outside, na there God capture me oh"


 Life is not fair. Even the Bible says "The first shall become the last." The prodigal son spent half of his father's wealth, came back and they did party for him while the Good Son was not even eating meat sef but so so sardine and crayfish.


Look around you, many of those marriages that happened so quickly have broken up. It has been fraught with pain and anguish. Maybe God is indeed preparing a  special man for the decent sister, allowing him to mature and put away his childish hurtful ways.  He says in Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope"
Also remember the whole biological clock thing has become a myth. 55 year old women are giving birth to twins and triplets. Yes oh, how dem dey talk am? Delay is no denial.