Sunday, May 26, 2013

Papa and Mama Bemigho in Cheating Episode.... wiseness meets wisdom BY ENA OFUGARA

Our "AKPAKO"  of the day comes from Papa Bemigho.
 Mama Bemigho being very civilized and jealous had warned Papa Bemigho that if she ever caught him cheating, that is the end of the marriage. So Papa Bemigho tried his bestestest. But to quote Jesus "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" and so Papa Bemigho started carrying Sisi Alero one fine "potokri" girl to Protea Hotel in Ekpan. Mama Bemigho with her radar (actually friends) saw Papa Bebigho with Sisi Alero, the fine Potokri yokoyoko skin girl at protea hotel and not only walked up to Papa Bemigho but picked up the phone in Papa Bemigho's presence to call mama Bemigho.

Aproko Egbegbemi: (The catcher. she starts dialing and speaks into the phone) Mama Bemigho, I dey with your husband for Protea hotel so. He is with a fine girl. He drank Guinness and ate groundnut to show he was ready for action. They have been telling me my friends husband comes here with Tseke Oyibo, I said I must see it for myself. They went up, spent two hours in Suite 205, came down and that was when your husband Tuoyo (papa Bemigho) ordered the small stout. If you see am right now, na drip you for order for am"

Papa Bemigho is silently watching the Warri Witch sent by "enemies" to destroy his home. Of course his mind does not tell him that it is he and his cheating that could jeopardize it as then no one can tell on him. But humans always blame the tattler. He ignores Aproko Egbegbemi, pays for his drinks and zooms offf with Sisi Alero.

Mama Bemigho is waiting at home. YES. She will kill him today. How dare Tuoyo? After giving him 3 sweet children. After her uncle put him in Chevron. After...he will see today.  how dare he cheat on her with that smelly ugly stupid girl (well she has never seen her but she has to call her smelly. Do these stupid Warri girls even know how to wash well? Papa Bemigho will die today. She picks up the phone and calls him. He picks it up

Mama Bemigho: Papa Bemigho, just dont bother to come to this house you hear? Just stay where you are. Did I not tell you if you ever cheat on me it is over? Just consider yourself a divorcee. Better not come to this house. Stupid man. Idiot.

Papa Bemigho: says nothing. The lines goes dead.

Mama Bemigho calls back. Phone is switched off

And she waits....and waits....and waits. 10 oclock, eleven, 3 oclock. Next morning. she waits and waits. Then she calls all his friends and none has seen or heard from him. She wonders how she can find out the place of that stuuuuuupiiiid small girl but none has seen or knows her. Papa Bemigho must die today.Let him just remain there.

she waits and waits, night ....morning

And she dozes off by 4 a.m. its been 36 hrs that she has been awake. She is woken up by noises of wardrobes opening and closing. She opens her eyes and in the semi-conscious state of sleep and wakefulness she sees papa Bemigho. She is so tired she is trying to muster up the energy to scream at him and curse the useless man out but then she sees he is silently packing two huge bags

Mama Bemigho: Where have you been???

(Silence. Papa Bemigho is packing his things. He picks up his Oritsefemi Cd lying on the ground.
Mama Bemigho is Livid she continues trying to raise her voice, suddenly finding her strength.)

How dare you Tuoyo? and where are you going

Papa Bemigho: I am moving out

Mama Bemigho is shocked. she cannot believe her eyes nor ears

Mama Bemigho: Park? To where? For what? Why?

Papa Bemigho: You remeber you said if I ever cheated on you that is the end of our marriage? Also yesterday you said I shld consider myself a divorcee. EHEN, so I guess i have to move out and i need some of my personal belongings. I am sorry I had to come home

Mama Bemigho: Tuoyo wait wait wait....

Papa Beemigho. No need to wait. I misbehaved. I did the unforgivable.  I cheated. I have to go.

Mama Bemigho: (she is confused. This is not how she planned it. No. She is an Itsekiri girl from old Warri Money. She never speaks pidgin like all these local people. She has lived her life with honour and grace. Why should she share a man and his manhood with....Bemigho is packing...but she.... she stands in front of the door as papa Bemigho struggles with the biggest bag.

You are going nowhere

Papa Bemigho: How can I be here when I am a divorcee. I have to go. Bye bye. I will come later so we can divide the children.. I will take Bemigho, you will take Misan... or anyone you want

Mama Bemigho: You are going nowhere

Papa Bemigho: But you said I should not even come back to the house yesterday. Pls let me go. I am a cheat

mama Bemigho: You are going nowhere ohhhhhhh

Papa Bemigho: See, I did terrible things. I ddo not deserve to be here. I am a useless man. I am nogood. I am... pls let me pass

mama Bemigho: Pass and go and meet who? You try well well

Papa Bemigho: Shell Ogunu girl, you speak pidgin? Na wah, pls let me pass

Mama Bemigho: I say you are not leaving this house.

Papa Bemigho: But I am a cheat. Your tatafo friend Egbegbemi with her fat Ghana yansh saw me

Mama Bemigho: Are you the first man to cheat? She should mind her business

Papa Bemigho: But...em...

Mama Bemigho: See, I am not a fool. This your style sef I know am. You go form vex comot from house, follow that girl go enjoy then after one month flexing holiday, pastor and family go come settle us meanwhile you dey flex and me, dem pay bride price for my head abi so no flexing for me? The style no work. Tuoyo keep your bag. Your food dey fridge, make I go warm am

Papa Bemigho: Na you dey speak pidgin so Mama Bemigho?

Mama Bemigho:  I get wiseness, and I get wisdom

Papa Bemigho: I don't understand

Mama Bemigho: Wiseness na the street sense. Because my papa get money and I dey go abroad for holiday no mean say I no get wiseness. If I follow you quarrel this quarrel, na me go lose. You think say u sharp abi? Wisdom is what I learnt growing up. Na make our children no go dey fail WAEC make we come dey pay expo money for them make I decide not to speak pidgin. Na from small dem dey straight K-leg. I know you think you are smart now oh. You did counter attack abi? reverse psychology. You try. Na this sharpness make I marry you in the first place. Your brain na tortoise own. But the quarrel, we must quarrel am. But come chop first. I made egbagbafofo and Starch. But we go still quarrel the quarrel

Papa Bemigho. Shakes his head and wonders how stupid he is to cheat on this his wife. His own wisseness must meet wisdom and not hurt this girl anymore.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


To lead a land as divided as Nigeria...divided by tribe, religion, economics, education, landmass etc is not easy. Like I always have maintained, ALL AMERICANS STAND BEHIND OBAMA TO FIGHT TERROR.

In Nigeria's case, even the CBN governor apparently supports Boko Haram. All the Northern Elder and Emirs have come out to say GEJ HAS DECLARED WAR ON THE NORTH.

 For southerners or for many Christians, the words said in the TV Series SPARTACUS "Kill them all" should be the mantra for the soldiers battling Boko Haram in the three Northern States where State of Emergency has been declared. In our hearts we would not mind a little genocide to go with our breakfast lunch and dinner. And who would blame us? With over four thousand dead since 1999 to violence from Boko Haram, with the gruesome murders of Youth Corpers, Church-goers, merrymakers in bars and outright removal from homes and murder of whole families, our bile pumps more bitters than Alomo.
Add capigeria acquired and upgraded the attack drones from the Isreali military and they were hooked up with NigComSat-4 (Nigeria's most advanced Orbital Satellite). 
That is why NigComSat-4 is entire dedicated to Military issues unlike the other Satellites that are purely weather and communication birds. tion
 But vengeance is not the brief of the Nigerian army. Instead the brief is to put an end to the violence and activities of the group, attendants of which which includes where necessary killing of the sect members, capture of the sect members, liberation of areas held by sect members, discovering and confiscating arms and ammunition of sect members, securing the Nation's Northern borders, and setting up a security plan to forestall the reemergence of the sect.
The Nigerian army has shocked many of us with some of the equipment they have mustered for this battle and they have not been afraid to use it. Reports of air strikes abound. Also the information gathering seems to have been spot on. No one has accused the army of hitting civilian targets but instead attacks have thus far been rightly against these strongholds of the sect. The information is so good that even when the Boko Haram members were burying one of their own, the army swooped in and arrested a hundred and thirty plus.

While totally praising our troops and commiserating with those who have died in service of the fatherland including the helicopter shot down by a land to air missile which the army says are gotten from Libya and I daresay Mali, I urge them to have allegiance not to God or Allah, not to some tribe or region,  but to the Nigerian flag and their Commander in chief. Boko Haram is a scourge to us all, even if the Northern elites do not see it that way

The Northern elites... these age-old viruses and parasites under whose leadership the North has been underdeveloped and who should be hanging their heads in shame and ignominy, manage to remain sadly relevant. They have come out to say GEJ has declared war on the North. These same people who encouraged the fight against the Niger Delta Militants whose grouse were known, whose leaders came out and talked with open faces and who took their case international and met with sympathy, these same Northern Elders Forum that called for their annihilation has come out to say GEJ's call for State of Emergency which in many of our opinions is a year or two overdue, is a war against the North. Buhari has called for GEJ's resignation (make he hand over to you abi? mtchewww).

 However in fairness to the North, the Governor's Forum and many of the Youth Organizations have chosen to make the Northern Elders Forum into the pterodactyls that they are...sadly this time refusing to be extinct. They have come out in support of GEJ and NIGERIA by supporting the activities of the army.

But in leadership, public opinion can change in an instant. The momentum is with GEJ. His career critics are perched deciding whether to be for the SOE (state of emergency) or not to be. They are waiting on a mistake to pounce and side to choose.

Now against the backdrop of the Northern Elder's Forum's charge of war against the North, against the backdrop that true peace is the placation of various sides as opposed to reliance on violence only. As is consistent with all wars that have ended including the Biafra war, World war 2, Rwandan war etc, to seek to kill and imprison all wrongdoers is asinine. A lot of people are mere followers and the target is to capture the ringleaders, choose the ones who are amenable to reason and eliminate the ones most headstrong. The ones amenable to reason are then put in the forefront and granted amnesty and empowered to lead their people to peace. This is the only solution to lasting peace. TO GET THE LEADERS ON YOUR SIDE.

We have seen this with Tom Polo and Asari Dokubo who despite his hot air, we know he was well and truly compromised by the Federal Government of Yar'Adua. Now for other militants who are headstrong like Gen John Togo, they are immediately executed.

The same soldiers that tackled the Niger Delta Militants are the ones in the North right now. The same strategies which GEJ as then vice president must have been conversant with, are still available with a few tweaks. Yes Religion is an opium and it sadly is the main fuel of Boko Haram, it is mine and the President;s belief that Nigeria can eliminate a lot of the foot soldiers and many of the bigwigs by offering the carrot and then for the real zealots, the stick and death.

This is what has predicated GEJ's release of a number of the prisoners and all the women which has met serious criticisms.

Ask yourselves, what voices do these women have? How many times have we seen or heard that women were part of an assault team of Boko Haram? At best these women are accomplices and abettors and imprisoning them does nothing for Nigeria in the long run. Now imagine a speech by the hateful Northern Elders saying 200 Northern women are being held and rapeed in prison. Imagine how heated the polity will become.

As for the males, the Governors asked for them. I am certain they have been photographed and now these governors will attempt to break them with monetary or other offers.

Nigerians must realize that no action by any government or president will be unanimously agreed with. That our religions and regions shape our opinions more than we care to admit. Thus we must try and view decisions from other perspectives aside ours.

Also we must learn that compromise is the only way we can continue to be ONE NIGERIA.

Now what are the compromises on offer and which GEJ must preside and indeed presides over?

For the South, "the drones fly and death drops from the skies on the killers. Even if they aren't wiped out altogether, hopefully it would reduce and we can all have a moment of respite albeit the least."

For Northerners, "it is not a war on us by the President. He has let our wives, sisters and mothers go free and some of our brothers too. There is money offer on the table and we can hereby better our lives"

For the Northern Governors, "a state of emergency is declared and we still get to control our monthly subventions and are still in power"

For Southern Governors, "our people will be safer and can remain in the north and not come and add to our population and problem".

For Northern Elders "Nothing this infidel can do that will impress us. He should resign. Power belongs to us or else Boko Haram should kill everybody"

For career critics headed by Sahara Reporters, Premium Times, Leadership etc "heads we insult GEJ, tails we insult GEJ."

For supporters of GEJ like myself  "Way to go sir. Carrot and stick all the way"

 I here remind all once again the purpose is not to punish but to put a stop to carnage. If the Tutsi seek to punish the Hutus, there will be no Rwanda. If Gowon had sought to punish Ibos for treason, there will be no Nigeria. If the world had decided to punish every foot soldier in Adolf Hitler's Germany, no German youth would be free today. And if America and  Japan remembers Pearl Harbour and worse Hiroshima and Nagasaki, they would not have the closest military alliance where to attack America is to attack Japan and vice versa today.

In conclusion, your views may be different from mine. We cannot all be agreed. It is why we elected a president to "use his mind" and lead us. GEJ is doing it. Let us help him with belief, faith, prayers, constructive criticism and encouragement.

And by the way F**k Northern Elders Forum. Your people suffer because of your greed, theft and feudal lordship and no reason else. LOOK IN THE MIRROR and tell yourselves the truth.

. I

Monday, May 20, 2013

IN VIEW OF THE NORTH'S POSITION..... I take mine and enjoin you to join me BY ENA OFUGARA

I do not know GEJ except as my President same way as many of you. Nor have I spoken to him nor made a kobo from anyone associated with him. I AM NOT IJAW. In fact as an Urhobo through and through (Both parents Uvwie-Urhobo) I am saddened that no Urhobo is appointed in GEJ's government and even the amnesty moneys and pipeline protection jobs  due Delta State is monopolised by Tom Polo (Ijaw), Ayiri Emami (Itsekiri)and Michael Diden (Itsekiri) with no Urhobo involved hence serious marginalization of Urhobo youths for which I can never be happy over. But I have bigger fish to fry.

 I see a more clear and present and continuing danger in how the Hausa/Fulani views the rest of Nigeria and how unlike Awolowo, Tinubu has chosen to align with the supremacists the way Azikiwe foolishly did in 1960...alliance Ibos were to regret (ask Chinua Achebe and Ojukwu, the two people with Ibo interest at heart)

I see the Middle Belters and shake my head in disgust as to how such an intelligent hard-working people can be so subservient to people they are more intelligent than.
I see Yorubas who are Muslim who tell me the Hausas will never allow a Yoruba Muslim to be Imam in their mosque.

I see Yoruba Muslims and Christians live in harmony as my experience in my year plus living in Ketu Lagos showed me, meaning it is not the religion that is the problem but the tribe using religion as a means of conquest and or annihilation of all those belonging to other tribes.

I read and listen to their Patriarch Ahmadu Bello's disgust for everything un-Hausa/Fulani and how the whole Nigeria should be Dan Fodio's "ESTATE" and how none other must ever rule.

I see how from GEJ's election night till now, the killing of Southerners have commenced unabatedly and never considered critical enough for Northern governors to meet, nor of Hausa/Fulani leaders including Buhari to berate and call an end to.

I see these and I feel shame for my fellow southerners.

I have said and will say a million times that Nigeria is a Federal state which means it is Uduaghan's duty to look after Deltans and Amaechi to look after Rivers. That each governor must question his Northern counterpart for every single member of their state killed and why. That if the governors of slain members of their states react to every single death as Americans react to each of theirs, that Ciroma and other Hausa Oligarchs would have taken the lives of Christians and Southerners more seriously than as the chicken/mosquitoes with which they view it now.

Yes na abi??? If i can kill your brothers and sisters without repercussion and even coordinated complaints from your family, why should i stop???

So like Chinua Achebe, I  offer my pen and voice (though infinitely thinner and gazillion times more muted) to the struggle for either of two things

1. A Nigeria that is free and fair to all, no matter your religion or tribe and in which the Niger Deltans have a sense of belonging and can benefit from the oil underneath their soil as Lagos Abuja, Kano and Kaduna have benefited from crude oil not under their land even (not that I mind as long as those on whose land benefit equally and owning 80 percent of it in the name of Oil Block is evil and belongs in the pit of hell). A country where any tribe can aspire to and be president without people going on rampage and killing others not of their religion or tribe

2 A total divide of the country as no one should want to belong in a country where he and his people are treated no better than a "conquered people" (as Ahmadu Bello said we are).

The choice is clear and unequivocal and I enjoin our leaders from the South to make it crystal clear to the Northerners. SOUTHERN LIVES MATTER. Love us or leave us.

And yes, the south's and indeed Nigeria's  best hope still remains GEJ

Thursday, May 9, 2013


I felt it redundant of me to sing Alex Ferguson's praise. Seriously, how many people retire and the Prime Minister of his country immediately makes a statement and quips he move over to Aston Villa his club? 
The outpouring of praise for the SIR has been torrential and I felt my mere dewdrops in a surging ocean of praise means absolutely nothing. 
Alas I was wrong. Aghomi GabrielOmo-Odiase Osadebamwen and a handful of others, like greedy preachers demand I add my widow's mite to the offering plate.
But what can you say abt a man who is retiring with the title? And whose squad perhaps costs half as much as the two super-monied that sit far far far below him? What greater honour is there than to retire with your crown?
Upon his appointment as Manchester United's gaffer (coach) he made a statement that was nigh impossible "we will knock liverpool off their perch". Now who dreams to do that? It is like Tottenham saying "we will knock Man Utd off their perch.
Yes United is no Tottenham but having lost their team in the Munich disaster, it was always going to be a tall order to rebuild the club how much more remove Liverpool as the Supreme British football powerhouse. Surely this was the proverbial frog trying to inflate itself to be as big as a cow. Liverpool was a European and domestic juggernaut no less.
How many years on, he has not only equalled Liverpool's record 18 League titles, but has "muni", (added) two others and Liverpool never looked like they could even compete in a title race with United save for one season.
For those of us who do not support United, we yet remain in awe of this man who will bully referees to give him decisions by always walking up to them and talking endlessly so as to psychologically intimidate as the referees will give a penalty for or refuse against "make that Ferguson no go enter me end my career with his mouth.". He wwill also be the first to comment on an opposing coach needling them as he has done with Benitez, Wenger and countless others. Or he will demean an opposing team by calling them "Noisy Neighbours" or a "wee" club and truly the club will be fighting relegation battles like "wee" clubs do.
Now to the proverbial Mancunian enemy Liverpool, Sir Alex ferguson's dominance of the "Premier" League, has ensured that LIVERPOOL HAS NEVER WON THE PREMIER LEAGUE. Yes, the trophy they have is the FIRST DIVISION and this just galls Liverpool supporters. Thiis is not just knocking Liverpool off their perch but seizing the branch they perched on

Every new coach and club he has wrestled and bested. Arsene Wenger must be an expert on describing Manchester United's tail lights by now....cos he has been well dusted. The Manchester United iron cage battles seem seem like it existed along with the Brachiosaurus and Compsognathus in Jurassic Park. Mourinho came from Porto and a war chest of Genghis Khan. He won the Title twice with huge records broken and made. And Fergie said "give it back" and Mourinho left with just the FA cup in his hands. Ancelotti came, one of the few to win the Champions league as player and coach twice. He took the double but Fergie said to him "give me back my EPL" and Lotti left. Mancini then came with his war chest of Alexander the great, fit enough for World dominance. It took a mistackle by Taiye Taiwo on Sergio Aguero for his "noisy neighbours" to touch FERGUSON'S TROPHY. And with alacrity, Feguson has ordered his trophy returned by reaching the finish line and going to take a shower and still the competition lags. Yes United could very well have started their holidays and even pre-season but are "burdened" by the remaining games...

Now I am one of those who insist Ferguson is a very lucky man. The two Champions League Titles he has can be ascribed to luck. 1999 One minute to go Sheringham and Solskjaer score to make it 2:1 against Bayern after Bassler has hit the post and Effenberg has shown United players what total football is like. 2008 All Terry has to do is score and Chelsea are Champions. But Terry even was going to play a penallty because Didier Drogba had playfully tapped Vidic on the cheek. Vidic took no offense but the refree would not hear of it nd so Terryy goes to the ball and slips and hits the post just as Drogba did during the game and Ferguson is 2 times European King.

Like it is said, it is better to be lucky than good. But Fergie combines both.

I still believe Ferguson was why Man United clicked. Eric Cantona, for all his godlike reputation does not compare with the very best. Arsene Wenger's Viera, Henry, Pires, Wiltord, Petite Wiltord, Keown, Adams were better than the Keane and Scholes and Giggs...proof of which is how the France core of Arsene's team went on to win the world cup and EuroCup much like Barca. Ferguson stopped that dominance. Yes Keane was good but not as skillful as Viera nor is any Man United combination and Adams and Keown. Nor any understanding a Pires Henry. Cole and York are just average club level good and that is the truth.

Then Chelsea, then Man City. Even as at today, Hazard, Mata, Oscar, Lampard, Ramires....who will you compare with them in United? Carrick???????

So to the man who someday the trophy will be named after, to one of the greatest (club) coaches of all time, to he man that groomed Cristiano Ronaldo and Beckham and Scholes and "the owner" of the Premier League, to the coach rightly Knighted by the Queen, we say "thank you for being a part of our lives.

May you be as successful in retirement as you were as a coach.