Our "AKPAKO" of the day comes from Papa Bemigho.
Mama Bemigho being very civilized and jealous had warned Papa Bemigho that if she ever caught him cheating, that is the end of the marriage. So Papa Bemigho tried his bestestest. But to quote Jesus "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" and so Papa Bemigho started carrying Sisi Alero one fine "potokri" girl to Protea Hotel in Ekpan. Mama Bemigho with her radar (actually friends) saw Papa Bebigho with Sisi Alero, the fine Potokri yokoyoko skin girl at protea hotel and not only walked up to Papa Bemigho but picked up the phone in Papa Bemigho's presence to call mama Bemigho.
Aproko Egbegbemi: (The catcher. she starts dialing and speaks into the phone) Mama Bemigho, I dey with your husband for Protea hotel so. He is with a fine girl. He drank Guinness and ate groundnut to show he was ready for action. They have been telling me my friends husband comes here with Tseke Oyibo, I said I must see it for myself. They went up, spent two hours in Suite 205, came down and that was when your husband Tuoyo (papa Bemigho) ordered the small stout. If you see am right now, na drip you for order for am"
Papa Bemigho is silently watching the Warri Witch sent by "enemies" to destroy his home. Of course his mind does not tell him that it is he and his cheating that could jeopardize it as then no one can tell on him. But humans always blame the tattler. He ignores Aproko Egbegbemi, pays for his drinks and zooms offf with Sisi Alero.
Mama Bemigho is waiting at home. YES. She will kill him today. How dare Tuoyo? After giving him 3 sweet children. After her uncle put him in Chevron. After...he will see today. how dare he cheat on her with that smelly ugly stupid girl (well she has never seen her but she has to call her smelly. Do these stupid Warri girls even know how to wash well? Papa Bemigho will die today. She picks up the phone and calls him. He picks it up
Mama Bemigho: Papa Bemigho, just dont bother to come to this house you hear? Just stay where you are. Did I not tell you if you ever cheat on me it is over? Just consider yourself a divorcee. Better not come to this house. Stupid man. Idiot.
Papa Bemigho: says nothing. The lines goes dead.
Mama Bemigho calls back. Phone is switched off
And she waits....and waits....and waits. 10 oclock, eleven, 3 oclock. Next morning. she waits and waits. Then she calls all his friends and none has seen or heard from him. She wonders how she can find out the place of that stuuuuuupiiiid small girl but none has seen or knows her. Papa Bemigho must die today.Let him just remain there.
she waits and waits, night ....morning
And she dozes off by 4 a.m. its been 36 hrs that she has been awake. She is woken up by noises of wardrobes opening and closing. She opens her eyes and in the semi-conscious state of sleep and wakefulness she sees papa Bemigho. She is so tired she is trying to muster up the energy to scream at him and curse the useless man out but then she sees he is silently packing two huge bags
Mama Bemigho: Where have you been???
(Silence. Papa Bemigho is packing his things. He picks up his Oritsefemi Cd lying on the ground.
Mama Bemigho is Livid she continues trying to raise her voice, suddenly finding her strength.)
How dare you Tuoyo? and where are you going
Papa Bemigho: I am moving out
Mama Bemigho is shocked. she cannot believe her eyes nor ears
Mama Bemigho: Park? To where? For what? Why?
Papa Bemigho: You remeber you said if I ever cheated on you that is the end of our marriage? Also yesterday you said I shld consider myself a divorcee. EHEN, so I guess i have to move out and i need some of my personal belongings. I am sorry I had to come home
Mama Bemigho: Tuoyo wait wait wait....
Papa Beemigho. No need to wait. I misbehaved. I did the unforgivable. I cheated. I have to go.
Mama Bemigho: (she is confused. This is not how she planned it. No. She is an Itsekiri girl from old Warri Money. She never speaks pidgin like all these local people. She has lived her life with honour and grace. Why should she share a man and his manhood with....Bemigho is packing...but she.... she stands in front of the door as papa Bemigho struggles with the biggest bag.
You are going nowhere
Papa Bemigho: How can I be here when I am a divorcee. I have to go. Bye bye. I will come later so we can divide the children.. I will take Bemigho, you will take Misan... or anyone you want
Mama Bemigho: You are going nowhere
Papa Bemigho: But you said I should not even come back to the house yesterday. Pls let me go. I am a cheat
mama Bemigho: You are going nowhere ohhhhhhh
Papa Bemigho: See, I did terrible things. I ddo not deserve to be here. I am a useless man. I am nogood. I am... pls let me pass
mama Bemigho: Pass and go and meet who? You try well well
Papa Bemigho: Shell Ogunu girl, you speak pidgin? Na wah, pls let me pass
Mama Bemigho: I say you are not leaving this house.
Papa Bemigho: But I am a cheat. Your tatafo friend Egbegbemi with her fat Ghana yansh saw me
Mama Bemigho: Are you the first man to cheat? She should mind her business
Papa Bemigho: But...em...
Mama Bemigho: See, I am not a fool. This your style sef I know am. You go form vex comot from house, follow that girl go enjoy then after one month flexing holiday, pastor and family go come settle us meanwhile you dey flex and me, dem pay bride price for my head abi so no flexing for me? The style no work. Tuoyo keep your bag. Your food dey fridge, make I go warm am
Papa Bemigho: Na you dey speak pidgin so Mama Bemigho?
Mama Bemigho: I get wiseness, and I get wisdom
Papa Bemigho: I don't understand
Mama Bemigho: Wiseness na the street sense. Because my papa get money and I dey go abroad for holiday no mean say I no get wiseness. If I follow you quarrel this quarrel, na me go lose. You think say u sharp abi? Wisdom is what I learnt growing up. Na make our children no go dey fail WAEC make we come dey pay expo money for them make I decide not to speak pidgin. Na from small dem dey straight K-leg. I know you think you are smart now oh. You did counter attack abi? reverse psychology. You try. Na this sharpness make I marry you in the first place. Your brain na tortoise own. But the quarrel, we must quarrel am. But come chop first. I made egbagbafofo and Starch. But we go still quarrel the quarrel
Papa Bemigho. Shakes his head and wonders how stupid he is to cheat on this his wife. His own wisseness must meet wisdom and not hurt this girl anymore.