Saturday, January 26, 2013

WHEN SHE IS RICHER (The follow up article to THINK LIKE A MAN ACT LIKE A WOMAN lessons for my Nigerian unmarried sisters)

Hahahahahahaa. My belle ohhhh. Sorry, I am not laughing at you but you know people are laughing right? hahaha. They know you didn't buy the car. (cough cough. clears throat). No. I am sorry. I apologize for laughing but seriously let us yarn. Let us talk as men, of not just our experiences but that of friends and parents and sisters and brothers.

Okay you saw "Notting Hill" starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant wherein a big star like our own Genevieve, falls for a regular guy who works in a bookshop.... not his own but a mere employee in the bookshop. The words by Julia's character to Grant "I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" is some of the most romantic ever said in a movie. Does anybody see Genevieve doing this? If yes, tell dudes the bookshop she will be going so we can go and work there. lol.

Also you have been playing Paul Simons  "Diamonds on The Soles of her Shoes" and listening to beautiful singing about how a rich girl with diamonds on the soles of her shoes fell for a boy who was "empty as a pocket"

Now these are fantastic movies and songs especially the NOTEBOOK that shows true love between a rich girl and a poor boy.

However note something for sure, the movies and songs usually end at wooing and dating stages. Any sweet-looking or intelligent, or caring or stubborn/rugged, or sweet-tongued guy etc can win over a rich girl. Women fall for men for whatever reasons and the dating period is usually sweet and even the quarrels and fights make it sweeter. If the sex is great and you both cannot do without touching each other, everything is just great.

But then you move in together either especially as married couple and then the reality hits. The whole novelty of just knowing each other like a new book or movie fades and really you become a book you have read and a movie you have watched. Now with the ebbing of that natural first tide of love which is replaced by the regularity of "everyday", how is this different WHEN SHE IS RICHER?

In my piece on EVOLUTION AND SEPARATION, A PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS OF DIVORCE, I explained that historically men were hunters and women gatherers. That is, it is the responsibility of the men to face the wilds and bring home the bacon which in this case is wild boar (where that phrase "bring home the bacon' meaning to provide for the family) or some other animal. I mentioned that women merely picked berries and learnt to know the poisonous mushrooms from those that are edible, hence when you see them selecting bags or clothes endlessly in a mall, it is part and parcel of their historical evolution of finely selecting the nicest things. Provision is not an integral part of their make up. Selecting fine things is.

I can hear people's brain already putting up an argument that females actually are providers etc etc. I do not argue with that. Yes indeed they are providers but have you listened to them talk about being the providers?

Indeed women HATE the fact that they are the ones providing. Going out and coming in and seeing their man watching television or in front of the computer is the most annoying sight in all the world. In fact, I rate it just behind her coming home and seeing the man with another woman....yes just behind that.

Rich career woman meets handsome decent jobless man. They fall in love and marry. The honeymoon is over. A baby has joined in. She goes to work, he stays at home of course making calls, applying online, reading dailies for openings etc

She comes home after a hard testing day at the office. Now if the plates are unwashed or bed unmade or house untidy, added to the anger of seeing you watching television or fiddling with your ipad or blackberry, it is either of two things....the slow growth of deep detest and or the immediate flaring up and insults. I am yet to decide which is slowly begin to detest you while saying nothing or to shout at you and call you the usual "useless man. Shameless man. Are your mates at home by now? Common plates you cannot wash. I should buy the food, cook it go to work then come bacck and wash the plates. I cannot. I am tired. I am tirrrreeedddd!!!!"

Okay, alright, you wash plates and make the bed?. Your father was never asked to do so. But then you think about it and you tell no one. You begin to wash and cook and clean and do everything she WILL ask. Yes, you have begun to anticipate her wants and are trying to meet them. You wash, clothe and feed the baby. You are like a nanny on steroids. But still you drift apart. She takes the baby from you without as much as "ekale" or "miguo" or "hello". She does not know why she is angry and you do not know why she is angry and her anger awakes your anger and anger is the dominant emotion.........but is growing. Yes anger begets anger.

Then a funny thing happens. In church in front of everybody, the baby chooses you ahead of the mother to be carried. She does not mind the baby choosing you at home but in public, while the baby is being admired by all and sundry, she makes to carry the baby and the baby turns her down and everybody says "her, this one is daddy's girl". Because she has held back and is competitive she retorts

"You know i go out to work, the father stays home with her all through. If I stay home to carry her we will all starve" 

Silence... You take it as a man but your pride is deeply wounded. You smile but want to wring her neck right there and then. Then a smart guy says

"na so my pikin sef like me pass her mama. She no dey gree her mama carry her" and everybody tells their different stories of their adorable children but you do not hear a word. ANGER!

She tries to apologize but words said are like shattered eggs. For the violent men, they scream and slap her and perhaps get kicked out for a day or two and family come and the issue is resolved but not you. You are the silent type. You begin to withdraw. You begin to detest her like a slave detests its master. Without knowing it, you no longer like her enough to even want to sleep with her. The anger begins to affect your erection beyond any Viagra, or testosterone boosts. On her part, perhaps even before you, she has stopped finding you sexually attractive. The male dominance and swagger with which a cork chases a hen and conquers her into sweet submission is gone. You cannot dominate nothing. YOU ARE WEAK in her estimation. Even when she watches a raunchy movie and wants you, you do not want her back and you just roll over and act like you are asleep. she gets angryyyyy! Hell hath no fury like a woman's c*nt...sorry scorned. She gets frustrated and not that she wants you but to think you do not want her kills her inside ANGER!!!!

Now for sexual release, you both hide and masturbate. Yes, you are the decent man. Yes her being rich may have played a role in your loving her but then you have gotten to knowand love her. With a reversal of fortune with you as the rich guy and she the poor one, you will not mind that she contributes nothing. You will buy her the latest clothes and jewelry. At the back of your mind you even like the fact she is unemployed and can spend time with your lovely daughter. You even will try and get her pregnant again if the next one will be junior so u can buy him a soccer ball. But that is wishful thinking. The reality is that she is everywoman and like the everywoman she is, she prefers a man that provides and you are not that man. It is not her fault. This is part of their DNA. It is okay at the start but not for long. She needs your a*s earning and bringing home something....anything.

Yes dude, you feel you are a nice guy. You feel you did not massage your ego by driving her car to sleep with other girls. You score yourself high marks for helping with the chores and the kid. You point to other people whose wives are the bread winners and how the men outspend the women even with excessive drinking, women carrying etc. Igbinoba was even stopped on the road while with his girlfriend and his wife took the key from him to the embarrassment of the girl and himself. bring no such drama but still it is you and your wife that has drifted most far apart...SADLY

Now here is the most annoying one; her brothers, sisters, children from a previous relationship, father, mother, friends etc. None will respect you and will see you as a leech who has come to reduce the share of goodies they used to enjoy. Any changes you try to enforce in the house as the man will be easily discountenanced. NO MONEY NO RESPECT cliche rings true for the first time in your life. Your wife is forced to delicately balance you her husband whom she is angry at, with a mother that starved to train her, kids she bore for nine whole months and worked hard to train on her own and who represent her entire life's joys and struggles. As a man, the balancing never feels right because you remember the absolute authority your father has, that your younger brother has in his home because he works in Chevron etc. In fact the other day you almost insulted the mother who told you that the meat you took from the pot was too much, that others have not eaten. ANGER!!! FRUSTRATION!!!.

So do forgive me when I laughed at the beginning. You have discovered quite painfully that a man's money is the wife's but her money isn't his. A wife can brag with how rich her man is but for a man, it diminishes him in many ways. You have come to understand the difference between "Oga" and "madam husband". You have come to understand when people only walk to you when "madam" stands near you. And if things do not change, your "sit down junior" will make little meaning unless mommy says "junior, obey your father. sit down"

I do not know how to talk to a woman WHEN SHE IS RICHER so she comes to understand exactly what happens to a man's psyche and self-worth deep inside. I do not know how to inform them that 80 percent of the time, the man criticizes himself even worse that you can ever do. In fact he despises himself.

However, i can talk to dudes and make the following suggestions. Indeed i must first say the conversation continues and I welcome counter or further suggestions. But here are mine

1. Get the eff outa the house in the morning. My cousin Smart Ofugara say "house dey swallow man." another of my friends Peace Imoh suggests "carry-waka better pass carry sitdown. MOVE!

2. Seriously do help with the chores. It lessens her anger that is sure to be present. Even if you were rich and except you had servants all over the place, I'd still suggest you help out

3. Dude, like really, do not use her car and roll with friends and expect her to refuel it. If you really are broke, get a friend to fuel it or you are with wrong friends. If you can bring the car out, they can fuel it. It is demeaning asking her for money to go out with friends when she is very likely not happy you are going out with friends thinking it is to be with other women (You know women and their suspicions)

4. Seriously have some pride. Do not pick up chicks with clothes bought for you by your wife in a car fueled and paid for by her. It is bad enough for rich dudes to cheat. have some pride. seizing the car key from you in front of a girlfriend has to be more embarrassing than what Falcao did to Chelsea that day.

5. Do not go bringing some funny high-risk business for her to fund. NO! Music business in Nigeria is too inclement as is movie and crude oil or diesel. It is hit and miss. For every Wizkid, there are 1,000 people whose investments have washed down the drain. Along with applying for jobs, ask Peters Onyeama on facebook about fisheries and at Bright Ikpitanyi or Jakpo Pablo about laundry services. Also getting trailers and bringing tomato or onions from North to south seems a no-brainer so look into it and  make sure you read enough and ask the right questions about it and that you will be physically present to do the business putting pride aside and ready to make a living even if your wife is CEO of World bank.

6. If you are staying in her house as in you moved in with her, try and ensure a promotion by her does not make her want to rent a more expensive place. If she is building, fantastic. If she moved in with you, better. Let her build with the extra money or buy a house. Nothing is more humiliating than when a landlord comes and you say, "sorry landlord, my wife never give you? Okay, I go remind her"

7. Do not beat her up. Women have bad tongues, ask well. Rich or not, they will wash you down. beating her does not prove your manhood. Show restraint, rich or broke. Develop a thick skin to her bilious tongue. Think about all the nasty things your mother has told you. Does it mean she does not love you? OK your mother is perfect but your wife is not so bear it.

8. Walk away when you do not like her friend, mother, sisters etc. As for the step-children, do try your best and develop a relationship. But for the rest, "kpa ero vre" which is urhobo for "ignore". If you are very busy at your the new business you established, you wouldn't notice the silly things (yes silly) her mother and sisters say.

9. Buy her things. BUY HER THINGS. Even if you have to borrow money or with the one she let you have, buy her tings. (You should read the article on SEPARATION AND DIVORCE, A PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS on this blog to understand why all women like a man bringing them things.)

10. Monkey is for play. If monkey does not somersault and throw "backie", monkey ends up in Banga soup. Negro, you better find a way to get it up and copulate with your wife. There is nothing more healing than a good bout of sex. Feel free to use toothpick to remove hairs from your teeth after. (this is for the discerning men...yes it is what I mean)

11 Whatever applies to your direct situation.

If you liked this and it made sense, then share it so we can get the conversation going. Share on facebook, twitter, anywhere. and do comment as well. use ur gmail account to comment.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

NENE, The Nigerian Grandma's conversation with a hurt. angry, jealous wife BY ENA OFUGARA

Nene, Eloho's grandmother watches silently as Eloho, her grand daughter, baby in one hand and another walking behind bursts into her son's house. She watched as  the security guard helps her drag the huge boxes behind her
."Nene"' "nene" young Oghenekaro screams as he sees his greatgrandma and runs to her. He is all grown now she thinks to herself remembering how not too long ago she oversaw the cutting of his foreskin by the nurse and also how she ensured his bottom tongue was cut too as he would have had problems pronouncing the letter R. Yes, she could tell a child that would lisp or have that problem from their first cry at birth.

NENE: "karo Mavor" she says as she cradles the young boy. But her eyes were on Eloho her grand daughter. Just looking at the large amount of trunks and bags, she knows something is amiss. This is no August visit and this was definitely not a Christmas one.

ELOHO "Miguo ma" Eloho her grand daughter greets

NENE "vrendo Eloho mena" she says.

(She named her and she was glad the mother allowed her to be called by that name and not the Christabel she herself named her, She was a strong proponent of calling a child a name that would have a meaning that could shape the child's destiny, she believed.)

ELOHO "Where is papa?"

NENE: "Your papa done comot. You no call am for phone?"

ELOHO "I did. I was just asking to make conversation Nene"

NENE: "Gbe ki dia. Sit down Eloho. You bring things come sell for Warri abi why you carry many bags like this?"

ELOHO "No. hmmm. I packed out of my husband's house"

NENE: "You pack comot from you husband house. I think say na una two build am say na your house too"

ELOHO "That is a matter for later. What I know is the marriage is over" Eloho says ominously

Nene walks to Eloho and looks over her face and examines her body

NENE: "die wiarhe? wetin happen? He dey beat you? That very quiet boy dey beat you? Ha. And oshare na jevwe. I like your husband well well.So he dey beat woman?"

ELOHO" No ohhh. If he tries that I will kill him"

Nene: Ekiah! God forbid. Nobody go kill anybody. But mark no dey your body. he no beat you well well?

ELOHO: I said he didn't beat me at all. he dares not

NENE: then why you pack commot for house na????

ELOHO: Nene, you will not believe what he did. I am waiting for papa to come.

NENE: Wetin your papa want do? he never chop your bride price money?

ELOHO: How much is bride price? Is it up to what I spend on shoes?

NENE your shoe fine well well but the small money wey we collect for your husband hand, e no fit buy your shoe but naim he pay take buy you from our hand.

ELOHO: I was not bought. I am not a piece of property

NENE: I been think say if dem pay "price" say na buy be that before. No vex. You know say this English na everytime dem dey change am

ELOHO: I can give him the money now now if that is the problem

NENE: I hope say as you fit give am the money, you fit also gather the crowd wey come follow una happy for the wedding and you go fit go grave go bring Akporobaro, you papa senior brother wey done die wey naim collect the money for your husband hand. But Eloho mena, my omote yoyovwi, wetin he do you wey you want leave your  oromo, your marriage so?

ELOHO:. He cheated on me

NENE: wa ni diye? You say wetin? Cheat....wayo...he dupe you? He take your money run? I been think say he get better work before?

ELOHO: No he cheated on me. Not he cheated me

NENE: cheated on you....this una oyibo dey hard me.

ELOHO: Mama stop pretending. You always can even speak very goodEnglish. You think we don't see you reading the newspaper?

NENE: You know weda na the picture i dey look?

ELOHO Nene, you brought me up from childhood. You taught mama how to clean me upand you taught me as well. As you know me, so do I know you too

NENE: Elohooooo. This your knowknow! Oya what happened?

ELOHO: My husband had been acting funny. Normally he takes all calls in my presence but I noticed he will pick some and walk away. He also started passwording his ipad. Normally we have no secrets. So I started watching him closely. When I call him, I ask him where he is and listen to the surrounding sound and many times i find he is lying. So we quarrel a lot

NENE: Okay. So as you begin monitor am naim quarrel start?

ELOHO: em.. em.. yes cos I started suspecting him

NENE: So as you suspect am and as quarrels start, wetin you come do?

ELOHO: I watched him enter his password and you know me and my memory. I memorized it and opened his phone and i found messages between him and his cassanova friend Kiniovo.

NENE: No be with him and another woman. Na with him and man?

ELOHO: Not him and man man. I mean he and Kiniovo and Kiniovo was telling him of some Ekiadolor college girls. That they should meet at Saidi Center.

NENE: And then?

ELOHO: So I marked the date and time and he left for "work". I followed him to the hotel and I caught him with one small girl. She cannot be more than 20 years old

NENE: Ebabo!!! Wetin you come do?

ELOHO: I attacked the girl of course. She ran. Even my husband ran. I chased them but I couldn't catch anyone

NENE: You leave your baby them for house dey pursue yur husband for Saidi Center hotel?

ELOHO: Itohan my neighbour was helping me look after them

NENE: So what now happened?

ELOHO: I came home. He did not return until 2 Oclock in the night. I was waiting for him in the sitting room. I think I must have fallen asleep because till now, I do not know how he entered the house and entered his room and locked the door. He must have bought sneaker or converse shoes and walked like a spirit passed me.

NENE So true true you and your husband dey sleep separate rooms?

ELOHO: Of course. I have the children sleeping with me in mine.

NENE: Okay!. So when you and oga want to

ELOHO: I will go to his room. But seriously, who has time for that these days? You know how work and taking care of the childen are. It is so tiring

NENE: So wetin you come do?

ELOHO:  I screamed and i cursed his life out. I reminded him he was a nobody when I met him. He was a poor 3rd year student. We dated with me sharing my pocket money with him. Even during youth service, I was still the one supporting him. So now that he has a Mobil job and now has money, he feels he can cheat on me?

NENE: Na wetin u tell am?

ELOHO Yes. I cursed him out. He must be very stupid

NENE: Na your oga you dey curse so oh!!!

ELOHO: Why do you keep calling him my "oga"? Am I his employee? He is my husband not my boss

NENE: You wey carry church for head. No be "lord and master" Bible say your oga be?

ELOHO: Lord and master ke (laughs) Tejiri my Lord and master? hehehehehehe

NENE: Wetin he come be?

ELOHO: He is...was my husband. I am getting a divorce

NENE: Finish your story. When you cursed am finish, wetin he do?

ELOHO: The idiot kept quiet and left the house. We didn't speak for a month only for me to catch him again in the same hotel with a new girl.

NENE wetin you go do for the hotel?

ELOHO: My friend Ized called me and said she saw my husband's car at the hotel so i rushed down

NENE: And you feel say that your friend like you abi? She done see your husband car for hotel. You done leave marriage because of her 'see see" and you feel say na you friend abi? Shebi she dey her husband house? Why you no "see see" her husband motorfor hotel too abi the husband no dey go hotel?

ELOHO: Everyone knows her husband is a cheat. Ized's own is common knowledge.

NENE: But she still dey her husband house and you done pack leave your own. Ono ke kpa? Who is the fool now?

ELOHO: Nene u have....

NENE: Ruru ugbunu vwe. Shut your mouth. Na me wash the first shit commot your yansh when them born you. Just because your papa my pikin get money send you go London and America go go school nomean say u know everything pass me. The one oyibo done teach you done do.make you listen to me. I know say if that your papa come, he go tell you to stay and begin to pet you spoil again. But no be your papa first get money or like him girl pikin. But the like naim make u get heart pack come so

ELOHO: I don't have to come here. I can stay in a hotel till I rent a flat this minute.

NENE: I know na. naim make i dey proud of you. You done make good use of your life and you dey successful. I dey use you boast na abi?

But wait first. Shebi i tell you say make you leaave pikin for their room make you and your husband dey one room?
Na vitafoam and mouka big big foam plus big house andmany rooms dey scatter una marriages. For our time na six spring bed. E no get as me and una late grandpapa quarrel reach, na dat small bed we must sleep and body must touch body and quarrel must settle. If bed wide or una dey different rooms, how husband and wife go take 'close'?

'Eloho, man no dey beat u, he no troway ur load go outside outside, u dey pack leave am. MARRIAGE DONE TIRE YOU.e be like the name "divorcee" dey sweet you for ear.

.U say he dey carry another woman. Me I dey wait my turn . Me and your grandpapa second wife, we dey fight sef say na me get monday or wednesday.

That your fine gentle  husband wey we all like, you done pack leave am. Shebi u done kukudash am give the girls. Ekpa na!

So as he fine, u think say na only u he go dey f#ck? When dem circumcise am, dem use the knife write ur name put for him osho abi?(urhobo word for the male privates)

I like ur husband. Na better man. He wey for fit beat you for the hotel say you disgrace am, he run. All his friends go dey laugh am now. That one show say he respect you. He dey hidehide do him kurukere waka. Why you no kpa ero vre? Why you no commot eye?

He dey train ur two pikin. He dey hide dey follow the girls, no be say he carry dem come house. U find am go the hotel. No be trouble u dey find?

If I be u, I go carry my bag go back house, I go pack enter him room and we two go dey stay one room. I go close eye for him yeye waka as long as he dey gimme my own and he dey look my pikin dem. Na God hand I go put my marriage and I no go use my hand carry mysef comot for my marriage. God no go gree. Wo nyo obo meta na?

ELOHO: ha nene he hurt me. he .... (phone rings)

NENE: Na your husband abi?


NENE: Gimme the phone. (she takes it and starts talking) Tejiri..."vren" but no "do". ..... Tejiri shebi we tell you say we no dey return money....oh you no want make we return money? You want your wife no be the money... So na so you dey treat our daughter anyhow? say wetin..... you are sorry? ....make i no vex? Why I no go vex? So as she fine reach so, born two fine pikin for you, you still dey find ohoro follow everywhere

ELOHO: Ha nene! You are too raw.

NENE: (ignores Eloho) You want give my pikin HIV abi AIDS abi you dey use Condom?

ELOHO: Nene....

NENE: Tejiri.. no dey "ma ma ma" me. So as you quiet reach one woman no do you? Wetin them get wey your wife no get? She no dey gree you do? No be the same pour you dey pour when you brokware with your wife naim you dey pour for those girls abi e different?... Ame oma (semen) wey una go take give we new pikin naim u dey carry give yeye girls for outside?.... Your wife no dey gree you do? Your mate no dey do soapie?

ELOHO Nene...ha!!

NENE: Tejiri, if your wife no gree give you, enter bathroom do soapie release yourself. No be to dey carry money and body dey give all those ogbanje girls for outside.... this your am sorry done too dey hear me? Do soapie if your wife no give you do...where u dey? You dey Ologbo? U dey come carry your wife? You be better man. Oya hurry come before her papa come. No speed oh....Vrendo. Vrendo. Talk to your wife....she no dey gree pick phone since? 95 missed calls? You want finish her battery? Make the battery finish naim you talk? hehe You be better man. She go talk to you. Eloho take phone

ELOHO: (takes the phone) Hello...

Saturday, January 12, 2013

IT MAY ONLY GET WORSE... giving Nigeria a heads up

Believe it or not, these may be Nigeria's Golden Years.

Now indeed this looks like the most stupid statement in the world considering how much suffering and hardship is in the land. yet I dare warn that this could be Nigeria's Golden Years. I say the above with dread in my heart while staring in my crystal ball... well my television set. The news coming out is scarier than Williwilli and Hammer House of horror... those TV series that scared the living daylight out of me as a child. Once again I feel the same chill crawl down my spine but instead of my fear for the phantasmagorical poltergeist, this time my fear is based on events which already have been put in which Nigerians seem to be unaware of

. I read the claim that oil has been found in the North ( and I said "Amen" because I am aware of the billions wasted in the search for oil all resulting in "dry casting" which is a technical jargon for not finding oil after spending billions in its search.

Indeed as happy as I am by all oil finds, we must realize that way sooner than later, our oil will be of little use globally. It will interest you to note that America is Nigeria's biggest oil buyer and has been for aeons. I however wish to inform Nigerians that by 2025 (just fifteen years time) America will halve its consumption of crude oil. It may also be the highest exporter of oil overtaking Saudi Arabia.

Now as a seller, what happens when your major customer only needs half of your product? Or rather himselfbecomes a seller?  Now add the fact that Ghana and a few other countries are making their own discoveries. Thus, while more oil is produced and available in the market, the world's number one buyer only needs half? What happens to the price? Did i hear you say crash? It gets worse. Nigerian people and government seem not not realize that Canada has the third largest oil reserve, or that America has just a little less oil than Nigeria or that China, one of our big buyers also have oil reserves. And more importantly that Canada and America are now trying to fully exploit their oils and that China are trying to sign oil treaties with Canada. Now what this portends is that we lose two big customers as well as other customers who will start going to a "mall" and leaving our "supermarket".

Chevron advertizes daily saying all the billions it puts into the American economy just so the people would allow them fully exploit American oil. Add to that the fact that soon oil pipelines may run from Canada to the United states. Also add the fact that with Canada fully exploiting their oil, with its proximity to the South American countries like Brazil (One of our major customers) Argentina etc, it will make sense to buy from Canada than from Nigeria which will thus eliminate shipping costs across the Atlanti Ocean. As if the above is not enough, those living in America must be aware also that the new cars made in America have responded to Obama's challenge and are using half the amount of fuel it used to do. American cars which used to be known as fuel guzzlers now use less fuel than even Japanese cars and rightly GM motors is now the number one car manufacturer in the world.

Now also add that America has invested billions in solar, wind and majorly coal. All of this was part of the major investment made by this Obama administration so as to be totally independent of the troublesome Middle East and their oil. Then again be aware that there is now made the fastest electric car in the world with a zero-sixty miles acceleration in 2 seconds. The car is totally silent, extremely fast etc. The first unit has been ordered Now for those who understand technology, the prototype is very expensive but in a very short while the price will crash and made for the average market. Now if the electric car can conquer the "slowness" it is known for, and when a car is merely plugged just like a phone instead of buying expensive fuel , when the car does not emit carbon mono-oxide which destroys the environment, what is the hope for our crude?

I can go on and on from looking in the crystal ball. But I do not like horror movies. Instead I pick up my computer and send a plaintive cry and tell my people in Nigeria especially the politicians and leaders that we must make good use of our oil now to develop the land as fast as we can. We must use the oil money to invest and diversify our economy. This is the time to ask the Americans how their cows and turkeys are so huge and therefore cheap. How their summer which is as hot as Nigeria's is able to produce wheat and rice etc. We must also ask them to share their research on coal so Enugu can once again become buoyant.

Now is practically our last chance. The fear is no longer that the oil deposits will be exhausted but that sooner than later the oil will be of little or no use or at best very cheap and no longer the "Black Gold" it is now

If Nigeria with our oil that produces over 90 percent of our earning is still among the poorest nations in the world according to known statistics, how poor or rich will Nigeria be if that oil becomes obsolete like the typewriter, black and white TV, or if our oil is no longer needed like a trader who sells old newspapers to be used as guguru wrapper when everyone now uses nylons. Or if we are traders who sell what everyone already has in their compound.

Like I have mentioned, I hate Horror movies and the one my TV shows me of Nigeria's future and continued total reliance on oil is the scariest of them all.


FOR NIGERIA TO WIN MEDALS...the do it ourselves approach BY ENA OFUGARA

.Ok, the Nigerian government and system aren't doing enough. But when has that stopped us? When has it stopped us from getting a generator when NEPA power fails, or digging our own borehole in place of "water board"? So why cannot we win in spite of the government and their misfiring?

I daresay even in sports, we take matters in our own hands...what am I even saying??? Even in the US, parents take matters in their own hands and so should we. It is time for our children to win and become great in sports, not despite us but because of us as parents.

How many times have we heard athletes say "my father used to beat me when I go and play football but I continued. Look at me today" The funny part of these type of athlete stories is that it is the same parents who stopped their children from doing the very sport that made them rich and famous that go out in the jeeps bought them by these children and start describing themselves as "papa Wilson Oruma"etc.

Indeed many a dream have been cut short and talent wasted by parents who failed to see the big picture. The sad one of a parent who burnt the feet of his son that played for KB Stars or was it Pedro back then in Sapele is fresh in the memory. We understand the would be defender is today a drunk and still lives at home with his aged father who weeps daily saying he ruined his son's life.

Yes indeed, talent wasted is a sad thing but one unhoned and undeveloped is as sad. I believe children are given to us as parents to be their guides and teachers. To be the one to polish the diamonds or gold or silver or some other precious thing which they are. The potential is there in each child and if we are but committed, we would be able to see it and develop it.

I was reading the article on Mikel Obi, the 75,000 pounds a week earning footballer for Chelsea fc and how he would rush to wash plates in his mother's Pepper Soup restaurant so he can go and play football and I compare that to a Messi who from ten years was already signed by his parents over to a football club in Argentina who signed him a yr later over to Barcelona, and I realized the big gulf in their training and development. While Mikel had to fight for himself, Messi's parents already laid down a plan to succeed for their son. Now Argentina is 3rd world much like Nigeria. You may ask why Nigerian parents do not support their children to be good athletes and sportmen and women? It is because of our "clerical culture". We all want our children to have "White Collar Jobs". Little emphasis is placed on other things like teaching the child how to do business (except Ibos as per business training) or be anything else but finish school and start applying for jobs. Well NEWSFLASH: NOT MUCH JOBS.

Indeed aside medical doctors and maybe lawyers, the labour market is inundated with people who sadly developed precious else by way of skill Thus does it not make sense to allow the child to develop all-round? Shaquille Oneal, the Basketball Hall-of-Famer just had his masters. Sam Okwaraji studied law. Indeed 90 percent of the athletes that represent the US are in school and must maintain a certain grade point average (GPA) to qualify to represent their school and which is where they are usually picked to represent the US

Thus as parents what do we do? First we realize the role of education and ensure the child stays in school. School and sports and indeed music and acting and dancing can work side by side. It is why you are needed to direct the kids and help them apportion their time.

Secondly u must watch the child and see what talents God gave him. I know to all parents, their kids are "miss world" but I am talking watching for genuine talent and what the kid likes doing.

Thirdly, it matters not that you do not know the sport. Like Williams (serena and Venus father) you can read it up or like Douglas mother, get a the child in facilities that can hone them

Furthermore, realize this could just be your "retirement benefit".  Basketball moms like that of Lebron james, Kevin Durant etc are living large off their children. Usher Raymond's mother and Beyonce's father continue to make money off their children as managers.

This is a whole new line of work then. It is not an easy road ask Gabby Douglas mother and Beyonce's father. They both went into debt just to see their kids talent reach its fullness. here in Nigeria, despite little encouragement from parents, Mikel, Okocha, Oruma, Yobo etc etc etc are financial pillars of their families. Mikel paid the millions for the ransom for his father and Yobo paid the ransom for his brother.

In conclusion therefore I recap what I have said earlier. 1. Your kid can do well in school and sports 2. You must discover then harness the talent. (If he or she has one) 3. Doing this may be the best financial decision of your life, ask Mikel Obi's mother. Her son makes 18 million eight hundred and ninety thousand naira legally a week. (18,900000) and 75 million 6 hundred thousand naira a month and "error" "error" "error" if you try to calculate what he makes per year. And this is because he was able to develop his talent and his mother and father let him.


As I am wont to do, I will try and give my own suggestions and how we as a people can stop this ugly trend becauses indeed you can or a close one can be the next victim (God forbid)

Below are itemized suggestions that will drastically reduce kidnappings


I think it is time for the police to start investigating suddenly rich young men and boys. The "he just came from Ghana" cannot be a justification for wealth after 6 months of leaving. Also having been here in America, I know for certain you cannot be a millionaire overnight except you win the lottery. My brother Riete Ofugara and the Ometies and Hilda Avwenagha have also told me the same thing of London. Apostle Ovie A. Dafe says same of Italy etc etc. Thus when young men and women return with fantastic amounts in such short time, we must also ask how that is. The police thus must have a department dedicated to suddenly wealthy individuals. They must be brought in and questioned. The Nigerian embassies in Ghana, US, Canada, Austria etc must be emailed and questions asked as to WHAT DOES HE DO?

In other climes, if you deposit as little as ten thousand dollars, the banks will call the police and you will be questioned. You must show precisely how you came about the money. In this way, you may succeed in the crime, but the aftermath and stashing of the money becomes a problem and a means to fish you out. The truth is that a lot of our young men in that Sapele axis do not even go to the Ghana to hustle which now is the perfect cover. They may make the money from the kidnapping in Nigeria, go to Ghana to chill for a while and 3-6 months later return to welcoming Nigeria as big boys. I say we question each and everyone of us as to how we make that wealth as is done globally. The days of testimonies in church that goes like "Praise the Lord!!! I was poor but God blessed me. Now I have a house in Lekki and that Hummer outside is mine. Pra pra praise the Lord..." must end. The testimonies must be "I was poor, God now blessed my Pure water business or blessed my Dear MaMa Laundry or gave me a contract with Eternit to supply cement or gave me a job with Chevron" etc. We must know the source of the "blessing".
As long as young men who  only last 2 months were broke can overnight drive flashy cars and rent or buy houses, without the society questioning them, kidnappings, armed robbery, ritual killing etc etc will not stop no matter the policing.


It is now common knowledge that groups of young men now go to a quiet village near major towns, furnish apartments and carry out these nefarious activities. The government and police must encourage villagers to report all such “strangers” who come to their villages from nowhere with no job and or economic interest of farming etc in that village.


policing is helped by tips surreptitiously given to the police. Any citizen that gives tips that leads to arrest must be rewarded for being “good citizens” Campaigns on TV and Radio and on bills must announce monetary rewards to people who report suspicious activities to the police. By the time someone is given 100,000 naira for solid information, we would have a vibrant “para-police” in the denizens.


Delta State and indeed every state has their version of the Bob Izuas…people that the thugs and vagabonds and honestly sometimes merely unemployed boys look up to and work for. Without mentioning names, those in the Sapele/Warri Community know the people to whom I refer. The police must work with these community leaders by asking them to submit a complete list and also photograph and fingerprint of their followers. Since these people have access to funds from companies and also since these boys double as “political egbe wagers” let us know them and so armed robbers and kidnappers cannot hide amongst them and ascribe stupendous moneys from ransom to “community money”. The community leaders must thus ensure that their followers do not indulge in such activities and must be made to report suspicious behaviour to the police else face dire consequences.NOBODY IS BIGGER THAN GOVERNMENT. If you cannot run your ship, we must take it from you and nominate someone who can run the community and monitor the youths better.


Al Capone was done in by IRS and not the police. The IRS is more feared than the police in America and elsewhere. If you have large chunks of money and cars etc, if you cannot explain how you got it and if you do not pay taxes on the moneys, cars, and properties, you are made to forfeit (seize) them and you also go to jail. I do not understand why the government is not doing this. Drug-dealers and other criminals have to work extra hard, not only in making the illegal money but also in hiding it. As I am here now, if I am given a million dollars illegally, you have complicated my life seriously. I cannot deposit it in any US bank nor can I go to a car dealership and pay the 50,000 dollars in cash. In four minutes or less, I will be speaking with a policeman from the back of their vehicle and explaining how I got the money. It is why the Suge Nights and Damon Dash etc have to hire accountants and lawyers and try to hide the money in entertainment and music. Those who live in the US or who are knowledgeable in these affairs know what I am talking about.

I see that this administration through the governor of the central bank is trying to make Nigeria follow in this regard. He must be encouraged and banks and bankers must realize that if they make this policy fail, maybe it is their mothers that will be kidnapped next and someone will be easily able to stash the ransom. Thus when a young man or woman is unable to explain his source of wealth, the IRS must seize such monies immediately.


I do not understand those who are against capital punishment and say Bible says “thou shalt not kill” when all through the old Testament where that law was written, JEHOVAH, God of the Hebrews ordered people to be put to death. The same Bible also said “Live by the sword die by the sword (sword being the equivalent of a gun back then) Thus it is those against capital punishment that are going contrary to the Bible.

Since the public killing of Dr. Oyenusi, the notorious armed robber at Barbeach, a lot of notorious criminals have gone the same way. When the good Judge Omo Agege sentenced Anini, Osunbor and the conniving policeman Iyamu to death by firing squad, everyone over 25 years old and that lived in and around Benin will agree that crime rate plummeted seriously. The very England that is attempting to stop capital punishment once hung the heads of criminals at city entrance and public places. In fact the judge pronounces that you be “hanged, drawn and quartered” which means the criminal is hanged and upon dying, his dead body is tied to a horse and taken round the city, and after everyone has seen it, he is cut into four pieces (quartered) today London has the lowest crime rate in the world for such a city. Their evolution ensured that crime was severely punished and entrenched this in their DNA.

In our evolution as a country Nigeria, we are skipping eras and classes. We are attempting to walk without crawling. What is the ratio of police and cars to the citizens of America and what is the ratio of police and police cars to citizens in Nigeria? Thus when I hear that schools and parents in Nigeria are stopping corporal punishment wherein a child is beaten up severely when he steps out of line so quite early he or she understands actions and consequences, I shake my head in disgust. We do not have the American, England forensic, and justice system yet we want to adopt their ways. HOW FOOLISH.

Some states in the East have had their state legislative houses pass laws that prescribe capital punishment for kidnappers and armed robbers. WAY TO GO!!! I say we bring back the firing squads. I say children from 13 be allowed to come to the stadium and see kidnappers and thieves and murderers put to death. I say the Nigerian youth and children need to know crimes have consequences and dire ones too.


The present system of policing in Nigeria just is not working. The governor of Delta State Emmanuel Uduaghan has been calling for the prosecution of certain policemen who he said connived with kidnappers in Delta State. If indeed by the Constitution of Nigeria, the Governor is the chief security officer of his state, I say the police be put under him. Let him pay them and let them answer to him. In the US, states own their police departments e.g. NYPD (New York Police Department then the Federal Government has the FBI. When the FBI is to take over is well spelt out. I say we adopt this because THE PRESENT FORMAT OF THE POLICE IN NIGERIA IS JUST NOT WORKING.

Finally, I must remind everyone that KIDNAPPING NA SMELLI SMELLI YEYE HUSTLE. No be work. I welcome discussions and arguments for and against my viewpoint and more importantly further ways and means we can put a stop to this ugly trend.


  What is so long in the letter C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S that it is now spelt XMAS. I don't see anybody abreviating BUTTERFLY which is same nine letters. Are the letters CHRIST so repulsive that the letter X which signifies the unknown and which mathematicians are still trying to "find" sufficient replacement?

First it was CHRIST MASS which is a Mass in honour of Christ's birth. Then one S got missing so it does not sound like Catholic Churches' MASS. Then CHRIST got missing. Now it is XMAS a far-cry from CHRIST MASS

The most annoying is by us Nigerians when we say "Compliment of the season". What does this phrase mean? What happened to the "compliment of the season"Ehen! So? It is like the words in letters those days "I hope you are in good health, if so DOXOLOGY" What doxology? Go ahead and say the very doxology like "if so, glory be to God" or "we praise the Lord" not DOXOLOGY. Same thing with "Compliments of the season" Why can't we say "happy Christmas in advance" as we used to?

The world is now a killing field and even kindergartens are death-traps as more and more we eliminate Christ from our lexicons and everyday living, I point to the US as a prime example. Since Christian prayers have been removed from schools; since this country built by Christian Pilgrims have allowed the very tenets of Christ with which they built the greatest country the world has ever known; since even the words "In God We Trust" that is in their money, people want it removed at great expense and millions and billions of dollars; since they have stopped teachers from sharing the Good News Of Jesus and his peacefulness and love; since they have removed the fear that if you are bad, you will go to Hell Fire and burn for Eternity; since they have told Children "It all ends here, You will not account for what you do in another place or to Abraham or Peter and there is no Devil with a long Fork to pull you to HellFire, why won't the kids take guns and kill everyone and kill themselves since THERE IS NO ACOUNTING FOR OUR DEEDS AND NO PUNISHMENT ONCE YOU SHOOT YOURSELF?

Ask yourselves "IS THE CHRISTLESS AMERICA A BETTER AND SAFER PLACE TO LIVE IN OR A WORSE ONE? I ask for "little drops of water" in this Ocean. For you to do your bit and bring CHRIST back in our daily conversations about this Season. To never say XMAS but to take 3 more seconds to spell it or say it out loud.

And to all of us reading this, I say Merry CHRISTmas and a happy New year in advance and may all our dreams come true in Jesus Name. (Yes to you to you too my Muslim Brothers and sisters as well as Olokun worshippers. Happy CHRISTmas)


I just have a few questions 1. Why is one never too poor to get drunk? Why is there always someone to buy the booze?

2. Why is gutter so attractive when you drink?.

3. How come even when u fall, the bottle and contents remain unspilled?

4. Why does everywhere begin to be unbalanced when u drink? Why does the ceiling and bed move once they see u drinking?

5. Is it not so much better to drink near ur house so u can walk instead of drive, and so u can be identified when u forget ur address?

6. They say "drink responsibly" like what are u responsible for? that small girl's pregnancy? Is that not why u r drinking in the first place, afraid ur wife and her mama will soon bring cassala to ur doorstep?

7. why do we drink "one for the road" when it is the gutter that we will likely end up? Why not "one for the gutter?"

8. Why can't alcohol just stay in the stomach in peace and come out thru the other holes? Why does it insist on coming out the way it came via vomiting?

9. Why are women prettier when we drink? And instead of spending so much money on surgery and make-up, shldnt women use the money to keep us drunk so that they will remain beautiful in our eyes?

10. Why do we have love for all mankind only when we drink? (except those yeye people who process alcohol wrongly and are violent. I am talking of the drunk who sings and smiles when high) Why do guys bond and guys and girls make love when there's alcohol?

11. Why is the Middle East, known for its religious ban on alcohol, also the most violent region of the world and why is the only organization in Nigeria with bombs and death, the one that does not drink (Boko haram)? Is alcohol not then the real "road map to peace"?


(Nothing in this article should encourage you to drink and drive. Also if you get aggressive after drinking, please see a pshrink. Lastly, alcohol and being drunk is not reasons nor excuse to be abusive of wife and children. If it does not make u happy and jocose, if it does not relax you, it is not meant for you)



  Even in my tired state, I am listening (yes too tired to watch) to FOX News as they do their best possible to ensure OBAMA is removed from office this coming elections in America. Listening to the crimes leveled against Obama, I felt transported to Nigeria and I almost felt mosquito bite me because of how close the arguments and accusations against Obama resembled the ones against GEJ.

Okay, GEJ is not the orator Obama is nor does he have Obama's charm but in the most fundamental way, I see a serious similarity chief of which is that they both seem to have a God that insists on elevating them.

Both of them are born to African fathers and while Obama's Kenyan negro heritage makes him a minority, GEJ's Ijaw parentage puts him outside the Hausa-Fulani/Yoruba/Ibo majority tribes. Thus neither of them growing up dare dream of being President. When circumstances, luck and or God ensured events made it possible for both of them to aspire to the highest office of their lands, they were ranked outsiders

Both were told "they had no experience" Obama was a senator with no executive experience while GEJ was a deputy Guv then Guv. However events and or luck or God turned that inexperience to "fresh air" in GEJ's case and "Change" in Obamas.

Both of them are some of the first leaders to embrace facebook. Their support base is the youths and win they did against traditional powers blocks...power blocks that were determined to stop both of them from the onset.

While the Republican senators swore from day one to "make Obama fail by opposing his policies", the Nigerian power block swore to render GEJ's government "ungovernable" Thus while Obama has sweated everyday for his policies to be approved by a Republican Senate, GEJ has totally been distracted by Boko Haram.

Obama like GEJ has had very low ratings in first two years of rule. His "yes we can" like GEJ's "I had no shoes" are butt of jokes and ridicule as has been the "fresh air".

The opposition to both of them seem to be profiting. While the Ryan's (Romney's VP Nominee) who while they were Senators voted and truncated obama's policies, in Nigeria, the very elements that are the cause of retrogression and unrest are the ones screaming loudest and who stand to profit the most should Obama lose or GEJ be removed. talk about eating your cake and having it!!!

The most annoying as i listen to FOX is how the Republicans blame Obama for "pre-existing medical conditions". They point to 15 trillion debt of America and have a big clock to remind America of their debt...when majority of it was acquired by the Republican former President BUSH. In same vein I listen to the the Buharis, Babangidas, El Rufai etc blame GEJ for NEPA, insecurity, and other malaise that are indeed not his making nor happenings generated by his rule. Like Ryan the VP Nominee says "You promised to solve it so solve it" a mantra I have heard in many quarters said to GEJ. They point out increased debt even in Obama's time as they point to GEJ's. Thus these two must pack the excrements shat by other bottoms and are blamed for the odours and while they both try to pack it, they ensure the tissue papers and everything needed to pack the faeces is not available to the presidents. The very ones that shat and farted are the ones holding their noses and screaming the loudest.

For Obama and GEJ, the silent majority know who shat. They listen to the broadcasts and say nothing while the minority take to television and facebook with twitter. the powers know both of them are Collosi. In GEJ's case, there is a powerful pressure for him not to recontest in 2015. In Obama's case it is to come on TV and lie abt factories he did not close as if he did.

CNN did a documentary on George Bush Senior which aired yesterday september 3rd 2012 and even as an octogenarian, George Bush spoke of the pain he felt losing to Bill Clinton and how he would never forgive Ross Perot the Billionaire independent candidate who he blames for his loss. Seeing the pain in Bush's eyes despite his son having been president, I came to understand how it must feel for Hausa/Fulani Supremacists and also White racists seeing that not only did power leave their hand, but to a group they consider inferior and not good enough to be amongst them how much more rule them. i can hear their heart break and heart fill with hate and determination to see the incumbent lose.

However like I said, God chooses those he blesses and Obama and GEJ have been blessed by God as first of their people to rise to that exalted position of president without being the most qualified. And just as God delivered Osama to Obama when God chose.. an achievement of which is cornerstone of Obama's bragging rights, I believe that is how God will deliver Boko Haram to GEJ at his chosen time. When God chooses a man, or a people, he is persecuted and written off then he rises. Examples of this include the nation of Israel which has been conquered severally yet exist still and prospering and King David who was an outlaw, begged bread from temple and even as King endured an uprising from his own son Absolom.

Like I told my brother Riete Ofugara inbetween arguing about arsenal and Chelsea, Obama is a child of Destiny much like GEJ. .To bet against them is to lose badly Indeed of Obama and Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, if there exist no more similarities, this one you cannot deny, they are the two men who are president of countries i am resident of and if from their back you say "Mr president Sir", both will turn in response  because they are both the rulers one of the most powerful country on earth, the other the most populous black country on eart.

God bless Nigeria and America


2012-10-18 17:41:32 7 votes

Friday, January 11, 2013

The American Dream: Sessions with a psychiatrist or should I call her Pshrink

I love America! and so would you if you have ever stayed in Nigeria with its many problems (let's not go into that) and listened to their music and watched their movies and heard all of the hype about her and indeed go and find quite a few to be true (well...except that the birds that fly in their skies are really birds not angel of God)

Okay, I am not going to dwell on the amazing self-flushing toilets or stories of ones that actually wipe the bottoms after..., nor would I talk about how much food there just is and how "organic" on every food item will make you wonder if it means it was planted in fields of gold or same soil and dirt.

No. Not at all. Instead we will good-naturedly look at a certain nuance of the American which is a need to see a psychologist, otherwise called a pshrink.

Growing up in Nigeria, Uselu and Aro Mental hospitals are the places I know psychologists may or may not be (okay, there are psychologists there) These are hospitals for people who are "mentally disturbed", "mentally challenged", "not all there" (I am trying to be politically correct like the ultra-sensitive American), insane or in plainer Nigerian slang "people wey done kolo  or craze or mental"

However, thanks to novels and movies, we all then become aware that not only insane people go to a psychologist. We begin to watch movies and see everyday people in a psychologist's office unburdening their souls. The psychologist never seems to talk much but merely interjects while he (bespectacled and black suit wearing) writes on a pad. the next thing, they say" time up" and schedule another time to meet.

Oyibo things right? Indeed I have always viewed it as such "oyibo thing" (a thing done by only white people) Thus I was shocked when it was a requirement for me before i could "take possession" of what I really truly desire. Okay! Ena wants to see a Doctor for something other than malaria, which by the way he treats with that malaria drug and the ever-present Urhobo people elixir; pepper-soup. Ena that broke a tooth and was bleeding and did not see a doctor as a kid. Ena that suddenly could not breathe and immediately sent for an inhaler and inhaled it and could breathe thus successfully self-diagnosing an ailment as terminal as asthma, is to see a Doctor when he is feeling the healthiest he has ever felt in his life. Okay!

And so I arrive at the "doctor's" office. (still having a problem calling a psychologist a doctor when even calling a dentist "Dr." is a slightly difficult enterprise.)  Okay, I arrive at the doctor's place and the environment is at once inviting and soothing. There are dimmed lights, candles burning, sweet low jazz music in the background and magazines of Obama and of healthy foods and beautiful male bodies (none of a female) that make you feel jealous till you psyche yourself that "their em em fit small well well. no be by chest" and then you sit and wait.

Then the usual American "hello" "hi" "how are you" and other pleasantries and the American warmness is unbeatable. the smile is MacDonald-ready for you. You are assured and sit in.

To cut to the chase, the questions start. "Hey Ena, where you abused as a child?" and you think of all the "you dey craze" "shut up there" "your papa" and other insults you received as a child which we in Nigeria call "abuse" but smile in the knowledge that your education has taught you that is not what she is talking about. So you say "Abuse? what do you mean" Then she says "were you beaten as a child" and you tell yourself "shuo! why them no go beat me? you want me to rotten? them beat me i still stubborn like this. if them no beat me nko?. Then you answer. "Nigerian parents beat their kids. it is the right thing to do. If you mean that was i beaten more than the average African kid, i would say no"

"Still on the abuse, when did you get introduced to sex?"  You are quiet. You are trying to think because it seems like it was even before Noah's flood. it is so far back. her voice cuts short your trip down memory lane "did any much older person abuse you as a child"  at this you guffaw. and say "no no no". You then remember as a child all the aunty you were peeping through keyholes. You know in your heart even as a ten year old, you do not feel any older now than then. You know if anything, you were not forced into it. You know how much you wanted whatever you got and more even. You remember the "kelekele" and "papa and mama play" and that particular person you always chased around and or chose as partner and you smile and say "No I was not abused as a child"

The questions go on. you feel like saying "wetin concern you?" to some of the questions which to you is total breach of your privacy.  you want to tell her that no you are okay. you do not blame the world for anything that has happened to me. That Sigmund freud and his Oedipus Complex is a sick man for having such thoughts for his mother and you do not think of sex every five minutes.  You want to tell her you are African and you do not just wake up and shoot children in a public school. You want to scream that no matter your crush on Jessica Alba and or Angelina Jolie, you are not Hinckley who to impress Jodie Foster, needed to shoot a serving president in Ronald Reagan. That no, you do not look at chickens and animals when they copulate. That even if it was that your father beat your mother, you are in a foreign land where the laws favour the woman and you did not come to America to go to beautiful jail. that even with the free clothes and even white bedsheets, the rumour of what they do to men's annal region will keep you away. That you are now your own anger manager and when you go back to Africa, it is not with that scary scary scary modern day taboo word, that word that has millions of families in Nigeria shaking just like mentioning "willie willie or gbomo gbomo" to a child in the eighties in Nigeria.  That term "deported" but instead with enough goods for your people who are praying for you back home. You wish Uselu and Aro and other mental hospitals in Nigeria had such an understanding "doctor" to treat them.

However you say nothing. You answer the questions as best you can. and as you make to go and schedule another session, you realize, just this session could cost as high as 150 dollars per session ((twenty two thousand naira) and you agree that this is the most expensive "chat for an hour" that you have been involved in...and no be say you dey craze
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 So many mistakes. So many errors. Too many bad decisions have brought me to this point. And I have many more to make.

Listening to Rascal Flatt's song of same title, I realize the story of humanity is a story of blunders. From the onset, right in the Garden were a few major mistakes viz Eve ate the Forbidden Fruit; Adam ate The Forbidden Fruit; Adam refused to take responsibilty and apologize for eating the Forbidden Fruit and instead passed the buck and said "the woman you gave me..."

And Jacob, in Connivance with his mother chose to take Esau's blessing from Isaac and deceived his own brother with a plate of porridge.

And then Moses. He was already a Prince and had he waited and allowed God plot, he may have ascended the throne and became Pharaoh but instead he chose to take matters in his hands and killed a cruel Egyptian.

Oh David, of all the women in Israel, he chose Uriah's wife and even had Uriah killed. And the Jews chose to kill a man named Jesus who walked on water, healed blind people, raised the dead etc etc BROKEN ROADS.

In our lives, we all have made mistakes of greater or lesser proportions. We label them errors, mistakes, regrets or as we say in Warri "had I known". I call them poetically as "broken roads" because I see life as a path, a road and each of those mistakes, depending on their severity have taken us away from the roads we would have preferred to take. Clear instance of this is Florence that gets pregnant at 16 and stops school for Eguono her baby. She had the intellect that could have made her a doctor or pharmacist but her road was broken and took her down a different path. Or maybe Onos, who was brightest boy in his early university days but because he was bullied by cult boys over a girl in Moremi Hall, he too joins a cult and is expelled... Broken road. Maybe your own case is not as bad. You felt Bayo, your long time boyfriend in the University didn't become rich quick enough so you married Emeka, a much older established guy, but you find that you are unhappy in your marriage. Broken Road. Now take a minute and think of your greatest regret...still thinking?

Now let us look at each mistake from creation. Adam and Eve, they buried a son Abel and perhaps were estranged from another Cain but God gave them others and still they multiplied and populated the earth as God ordered. Their mistake made it tougher as they tilled and toiled but their destiny was fulfilled. As appertains Jacob, he suffered. He served Laban years and years. His favourite child Joseph was torn from him believing him dead, yet today, his descendants Israel is one of the most critical nations on earth and you cannot be president of America without swearing to protect Her and though they dwell in the desert, they export food and flowers because their desert land blossoms unlike their neighbours.
Moses? Yes he suffered through the Wilderness and fought over watering wells. But he fulfilled his destiny and his Red Sea crossing is the singular most amazing visual miracle yet. And yes he freed the Israelites. David? Absolom exacted a revenge on him by sleeping with his wife on rooftop for all Israel to see. However, Uriah's wife bore the child that took over David's throne and who is synonym for wisdom and a large family King Solomon. And for those who killed Jesus, from that "mistake" we have salvation for that ill-treatment meted out to Jesus, he fulfilled Isaiah's prophesy "by his stripes we are healed. That 16 year old girl that gave birth could be Genevieve, Africa's biggest female actress (Aside Charlize Theron) and one acknowledged by Oprah Winfrey. That boy Onos has two degrees in America and has a thriving business.

Yes, the cliché "every disappointment is a blessing" is trite and true. All it takes is for God to bless the broken road. That child you want to abort could be your retirement benefit in old age; That problematic car could be saving you fatal accidents everytime it refuses to start. (Remember Balak's Horse?) That child whose father left you to care for all on your own could be become President as was Obama's case. Maybe God did not want him in the kids life so they could be all they can be (not saying God supports divorce. Just saying it could turn out to be a blessing and a way to fulfil destiny.)

A thing to note from the foregoing, every broken road may lead to toiling and tilling, but that suffering is for a while. As my Big Coz Smart Ofugara told me when I was telling him of a particular struggle, he said something profound "This too shall pass"

Thus I encourage you today to know God never throws away a child and the bathwater. He removes the "dis" from "disappointments". He removes the "r" from "regret" and makes you beautiful as an egret. He removes the "mis" from mistake and indeed we "take".

So as I continue to live and make mistakes as I am sure you do too, I ask that you join me and say "God Bless The Broken Roads. Let them lead me straight to you" Amen
Via Mobile



The GOLDEN AGE of family life has to be when men were hunters and women gatherers. The man was expected to go out with his club and sharpened wooden spears to hunt down the lions and tigers (...em well.. a deer or antelope makes more sense if life was to be valued. meat is meat eh?)

While the man went hunting, the women picked the wild berries and mushrooms and other plants that made for food and with the meat brought by the man, made food. Thus today when you see women gathering fine things, and appreciating roses, it is ingrained in their history. Also the man was their defence in time of attack. His practise with the sharpened wood was central to his ability to keep his homestead because quite easily his wife could be stolen...I mean physically stolen and made to rare children in some distant "un"civilization" Now this clear distinctive separation of duties made for less clashes and conflicts in the home as everyone knew their place.

As time passed, the evolution slowly started. Man decided to cultivate the land and the women and their children became were of help. While the man did the arduous work of tilling the soil that was then majorly rocky, the women and their children poured the seeds in the ridges and tilled earth the man dug. Thus the man grew physically stronger while the women grew more patient. The women at this time did not mind the man getting other women and having a harem as more women and children meant a bigger havest. It was tantamount to growing your own labour force by the activities of your loins and your wives wombs. Thus it was still a matter of everyone knowing their place

Then the industrial revolution took place. The loom was invented and with time, machines that could do the heavy lifting. As men went to war, women learnt to operate these machines that helped them till the soil and plant and harvest and thus slowly the women began to realize that in fact and in truth, they can survive without the man. The age-old need for the man as a protector in case of attacks was diminishing as the women knew to operate the Dane gun left to them by their soldiering husbands. The men came back from wars and...em drinking parlours or other women's bedrooms to find their relevance diminished in the homes. The women did not see why the men would marry more women as more children no longer meant more produce as tractors were doing the work of several male children. The women began demanding faithfulness and better treatment. The battle in the homestead had started. The men began making it a taboo for a woman to be alone and or leave her husband. Both the Christian and Muslim religions were willing conspirators. Divorce was a "sin" and unacceptable and the Catholic church doubled-down on this practically eliminating even the waiver and exception Jesus put in the no-divorce statute in matthew. The muslims were ready to stone a woman so liberated as to be on her own and succeed, so they too doubled down and enforced purdah But how do you stop a species from evolving?

Indeed central to evolution was the sudden realization by women that they indeed owned a..em...em well... clitoris. Perhaps husbands being away from home, they like every animal had times in the month were they were in "heat" and requiring "servicing". While some employed the young layabout lover, others were too timid to and so found things that looked like their husband's genital and thus found they could please themselves even without their husband being physically present. Like all newfound and fangled shiny objects, there is an obsession with it and women required a lot more from their men. No longer would they just lie and be serviced with the man determining when it would end. No longer would copulation be for procreation. Like the men who are guaranteed an orgasm, the women too demand theirs and sadly while men need little "provocation" to "spit it all out", the women are long-suffering and their patience developed through time is most made evident here. For the women it is a marathon not the sprints. Thus the man is required to evolve from the speedy Jamaican Usain Bolt to the long distance Kenyan Kipketer Speaking of the man's evolution, we indeed have remained prehistoric.

There is a denial even on a global level of the woman's evolutionary demands. The GOP in America recently discovered the women want a lot more. The Urhobo man has found his daughter would no longer agree to be circumcised and neither would the mother let you. Yes the urhobo woman wants more for herself and her girl-child. The Isokos are finding that "oliho" their ancient god's will no longer help to tie down a woman who is abandoned to her devices which may include a strappling young man. Even "Oliho" realizes that the women want a lot more and will look for it in the home or... sadly...very sadly outside.

Yet men continue to live and think pre-historic. While like Rome they go to conquer new Kingdoms, they forget to solidify their "ancient capital". Truth is that evolution has made it hard even to please one woman how much more four or five. Yet the man's evolution insists on the harem, even if he does not have them all in one place but scattered in universities, college of education, his secretary at the office and such sundry places.

The lack of male evolution is not restricted to the loins. With the fact that the women now bring home as much or even more or that their work hours are as rigorous, we men still insist on the prehistoric duty of the wife to cater for the children and still prepare the meals and clean the house all by themselves. They still think to throw the woman's clothes and panties along with theirs in the washer is a "taboo" and for some, even to cook while she studies for that promotional exam emasculates them or rather us.

Now what happens to creatures who refuse to evolve? Where are the dinosaurs and mammoths? Indeed the dinosaur is perhaps the lizard because he has realized being big is a big disadvantage and to be successful and to survive, huge size and ego must be done away with. The days of chest thumping and manliness must like the British Empire be only a historical fact. The home is becoming an endangered species. Michael Dedon, a practising lawyer in Lagos informs us via his status a while back of the astronomical increase in divorce proceedings.

If indeed the latin maxim "respondeat superior" is to be followed which means the "head must answer," and if the man is the indeed the head of the home, then men must sit down and answer. We as men must also realize that there is no longer much stigma for a woman to be a divorcee as the number is too numerous. A norm or something commonplace cannot be a stigma. Also as men we must realize that JESUS FORGIVES and ALLAH IS MERCIFUL. Thus unlike Ogun and Oliho and other ancients gods, the women can simply kneel down and pray and ask for forgiveness and GRACE and THE BLOOD OF JESUS will WIPE AWAY ALL SINS NO MATTER the heinousness. No longer is the cheating wife made to walk naked in the market square or threatened that all her children will die or that the child will not be born if the man with whom she cheated is not in the labour room. In fact, the child will immediately be born via caesarian section. Yes indeed, if the child obeys some cultural taboo and refuses to be born, he/she will be born through caesarian.

Speaking of Caesarian sections, women as part of their evolution are choosing it more and more so as to, not just reduce childbirth pain, but keep the vagina intact for further use and to reduce wear and tear.

EVOLUTION! Thus as "heads of the home" what can we do to save the home? I imagine a symposium wherein men shall be made to answer a few questions viz

1. are we really sure we should be dissipating sexual energy with these young girls when our wives are home waiting?

2. How long will "i am tired" hold when the wives demand or even if they do not demand, yet want without saying?.

3. Does not every excuse we give to allow us space for "orukuruku" activities eg, I am traveling for work, I am working late etc give same space to our wives with us doing all the scheming while they benefit?

4. if we aren't there for our wives, what does science say about vacuums?

5. Like really, must she do all the work? Is school run such a Herculean task? What will it take to nappy the kid sometimes and let her rest or cook or actually go to that correct "mama put" to buy supper for everyone?

6 who are you Facebooking, BBing or Pinging and who is she pinging and facebooking? you are aware she spent four years at least in the university and her father didnt buy all her textbooks and instead one aristo or Alhaji "helped her dad" and also she did a few things with a few (or not so few) guys who may still like her just like you still like a few, so who are you pinging and who is she pinging and all day?

7. Does bride price and wedding gowns remove libido and desires and wants?

8. Are you sure she is no longer fine? Have u looked at your own beer-belly lately? have u not noticed even as you make love to that young girl the amount of time it took for you to be "ready" especially compared to your early twenties when just hearing her bike arrive, John Thomas stands in anticipation? Have you also noticed that like older Tyson, Round one and two is the most you can go before getting "knocked out"? have you also noticed that some certain backpain and muscle pull sometimes slows you down in "midstream" (midstream is not a reference to "wetness" of the woman I promise. lmao)

If you have depreciated so much, how about her who has children to show for it...children that proves your manliness and virility?

I know some women are too evolved to be caught up with. I know some see marriage and men as a new apparel to be returned if defective. Nothing can be done about those ones. We wave them "bye bye" as they fade into the distant horizons. But a huge majority of them are just a model or two ahead and waiting for us to UPDATE and RELOAD so as to get the family unit working again.

So this is ENA OFUGARA 2.0. who is updating with me?