Tuesday, January 15, 2013

NENE, The Nigerian Grandma's conversation with a hurt. angry, jealous wife BY ENA OFUGARA

Nene, Eloho's grandmother watches silently as Eloho, her grand daughter, baby in one hand and another walking behind bursts into her son's house. She watched as  the security guard helps her drag the huge boxes behind her
."Nene"' "nene" young Oghenekaro screams as he sees his greatgrandma and runs to her. He is all grown now she thinks to herself remembering how not too long ago she oversaw the cutting of his foreskin by the nurse and also how she ensured his bottom tongue was cut too as he would have had problems pronouncing the letter R. Yes, she could tell a child that would lisp or have that problem from their first cry at birth.

NENE: "karo Mavor" she says as she cradles the young boy. But her eyes were on Eloho her grand daughter. Just looking at the large amount of trunks and bags, she knows something is amiss. This is no August visit and this was definitely not a Christmas one.

ELOHO "Miguo ma" Eloho her grand daughter greets

NENE "vrendo Eloho mena" she says.

(She named her and she was glad the mother allowed her to be called by that name and not the Christabel she herself named her, She was a strong proponent of calling a child a name that would have a meaning that could shape the child's destiny, she believed.)

ELOHO "Where is papa?"

NENE: "Your papa done comot. You no call am for phone?"

ELOHO "I did. I was just asking to make conversation Nene"

NENE: "Gbe ki dia. Sit down Eloho. You bring things come sell for Warri abi why you carry many bags like this?"

ELOHO "No. hmmm. I packed out of my husband's house"

NENE: "You pack comot from you husband house. I think say na una two build am say na your house too"

ELOHO "That is a matter for later. What I know is the marriage is over" Eloho says ominously

Nene walks to Eloho and looks over her face and examines her body

NENE: "die wiarhe? wetin happen? He dey beat you? That very quiet boy dey beat you? Ha. And oshare na jevwe. I like your husband well well.So he dey beat woman?"

ELOHO" No ohhh. If he tries that I will kill him"

Nene: Ekiah! God forbid. Nobody go kill anybody. But mark no dey your body. he no beat you well well?

ELOHO: I said he didn't beat me at all. he dares not

NENE: then why you pack commot for house na????

ELOHO: Nene, you will not believe what he did. I am waiting for papa to come.

NENE: Wetin your papa want do? he never chop your bride price money?

ELOHO: How much is bride price? Is it up to what I spend on shoes?

NENE your shoe fine well well but the small money wey we collect for your husband hand, e no fit buy your shoe but naim he pay take buy you from our hand.

ELOHO: I was not bought. I am not a piece of property

NENE: I been think say if dem pay "price" say na buy be that before. No vex. You know say this English na everytime dem dey change am

ELOHO: I can give him the money now now if that is the problem

NENE: I hope say as you fit give am the money, you fit also gather the crowd wey come follow una happy for the wedding and you go fit go grave go bring Akporobaro, you papa senior brother wey done die wey naim collect the money for your husband hand. But Eloho mena, my omote yoyovwi, wetin he do you wey you want leave your  oromo, your marriage so?

ELOHO:. He cheated on me

NENE: wa ni diye? You say wetin? Cheat....wayo...he dupe you? He take your money run? I been think say he get better work before?

ELOHO: No he cheated on me. Not he cheated me

NENE: cheated on you....this una oyibo dey hard me.

ELOHO: Mama stop pretending. You always can even speak very goodEnglish. You think we don't see you reading the newspaper?

NENE: You know weda na the picture i dey look?

ELOHO Nene, you brought me up from childhood. You taught mama how to clean me upand you taught me as well. As you know me, so do I know you too

NENE: Elohooooo. This your knowknow! Oya what happened?

ELOHO: My husband had been acting funny. Normally he takes all calls in my presence but I noticed he will pick some and walk away. He also started passwording his ipad. Normally we have no secrets. So I started watching him closely. When I call him, I ask him where he is and listen to the surrounding sound and many times i find he is lying. So we quarrel a lot

NENE: Okay. So as you begin monitor am naim quarrel start?

ELOHO: em.. em.. yes cos I started suspecting him

NENE: So as you suspect am and as quarrels start, wetin you come do?

ELOHO: I watched him enter his password and you know me and my memory. I memorized it and opened his phone and i found messages between him and his cassanova friend Kiniovo.

NENE: No be with him and another woman. Na with him and man?

ELOHO: Not him and man man. I mean he and Kiniovo and Kiniovo was telling him of some Ekiadolor college girls. That they should meet at Saidi Center.

NENE: And then?

ELOHO: So I marked the date and time and he left for "work". I followed him to the hotel and I caught him with one small girl. She cannot be more than 20 years old

NENE: Ebabo!!! Wetin you come do?

ELOHO: I attacked the girl of course. She ran. Even my husband ran. I chased them but I couldn't catch anyone

NENE: You leave your baby them for house dey pursue yur husband for Saidi Center hotel?

ELOHO: Itohan my neighbour was helping me look after them

NENE: So what now happened?

ELOHO: I came home. He did not return until 2 Oclock in the night. I was waiting for him in the sitting room. I think I must have fallen asleep because till now, I do not know how he entered the house and entered his room and locked the door. He must have bought sneaker or converse shoes and walked like a spirit passed me.

NENE So true true you and your husband dey sleep separate rooms?

ELOHO: Of course. I have the children sleeping with me in mine.

NENE: Okay!. So when you and oga want to

ELOHO: I will go to his room. But seriously, who has time for that these days? You know how work and taking care of the childen are. It is so tiring

NENE: So wetin you come do?

ELOHO:  I screamed and i cursed his life out. I reminded him he was a nobody when I met him. He was a poor 3rd year student. We dated with me sharing my pocket money with him. Even during youth service, I was still the one supporting him. So now that he has a Mobil job and now has money, he feels he can cheat on me?

NENE: Na wetin u tell am?

ELOHO Yes. I cursed him out. He must be very stupid

NENE: Na your oga you dey curse so oh!!!

ELOHO: Why do you keep calling him my "oga"? Am I his employee? He is my husband not my boss

NENE: You wey carry church for head. No be "lord and master" Bible say your oga be?

ELOHO: Lord and master ke (laughs) Tejiri my Lord and master? hehehehehehe

NENE: Wetin he come be?

ELOHO: He is...was my husband. I am getting a divorce

NENE: Finish your story. When you cursed am finish, wetin he do?

ELOHO: The idiot kept quiet and left the house. We didn't speak for a month only for me to catch him again in the same hotel with a new girl.

NENE wetin you go do for the hotel?

ELOHO: My friend Ized called me and said she saw my husband's car at the hotel so i rushed down

NENE: And you feel say that your friend like you abi? She done see your husband car for hotel. You done leave marriage because of her 'see see" and you feel say na you friend abi? Shebi she dey her husband house? Why you no "see see" her husband motorfor hotel too abi the husband no dey go hotel?

ELOHO: Everyone knows her husband is a cheat. Ized's own is common knowledge.

NENE: But she still dey her husband house and you done pack leave your own. Ono ke kpa? Who is the fool now?

ELOHO: Nene u have....

NENE: Ruru ugbunu vwe. Shut your mouth. Na me wash the first shit commot your yansh when them born you. Just because your papa my pikin get money send you go London and America go go school nomean say u know everything pass me. The one oyibo done teach you done do.make you listen to me. I know say if that your papa come, he go tell you to stay and begin to pet you spoil again. But no be your papa first get money or like him girl pikin. But the like naim make u get heart pack come so

ELOHO: I don't have to come here. I can stay in a hotel till I rent a flat this minute.

NENE: I know na. naim make i dey proud of you. You done make good use of your life and you dey successful. I dey use you boast na abi?

But wait first. Shebi i tell you say make you leaave pikin for their room make you and your husband dey one room?
Na vitafoam and mouka big big foam plus big house andmany rooms dey scatter una marriages. For our time na six spring bed. E no get as me and una late grandpapa quarrel reach, na dat small bed we must sleep and body must touch body and quarrel must settle. If bed wide or una dey different rooms, how husband and wife go take 'close'?

'Eloho, man no dey beat u, he no troway ur load go outside outside, u dey pack leave am. MARRIAGE DONE TIRE YOU.e be like the name "divorcee" dey sweet you for ear.

.U say he dey carry another woman. Me I dey wait my turn . Me and your grandpapa second wife, we dey fight sef say na me get monday or wednesday.

That your fine gentle  husband wey we all like, you done pack leave am. Shebi u done kukudash am give the girls. Ekpa na!

So as he fine, u think say na only u he go dey f#ck? When dem circumcise am, dem use the knife write ur name put for him osho abi?(urhobo word for the male privates)

I like ur husband. Na better man. He wey for fit beat you for the hotel say you disgrace am, he run. All his friends go dey laugh am now. That one show say he respect you. He dey hidehide do him kurukere waka. Why you no kpa ero vre? Why you no commot eye?

He dey train ur two pikin. He dey hide dey follow the girls, no be say he carry dem come house. U find am go the hotel. No be trouble u dey find?

If I be u, I go carry my bag go back house, I go pack enter him room and we two go dey stay one room. I go close eye for him yeye waka as long as he dey gimme my own and he dey look my pikin dem. Na God hand I go put my marriage and I no go use my hand carry mysef comot for my marriage. God no go gree. Wo nyo obo meta na?

ELOHO: ha nene he hurt me. he .... (phone rings)

NENE: Na your husband abi?


NENE: Gimme the phone. (she takes it and starts talking) Tejiri..."vren" but no "do". ..... Tejiri shebi we tell you say we no dey return money....oh you no want make we return money? You want your wife no be the money... So na so you dey treat our daughter anyhow? .....eh say wetin..... you are sorry? ....make i no vex? Why I no go vex? So as she fine reach so, born two fine pikin for you, you still dey find ohoro follow everywhere

ELOHO: Ha nene! You are too raw.

NENE: (ignores Eloho) You want give my pikin HIV abi AIDS abi you dey use Condom?

ELOHO: Nene....

NENE: Tejiri.. no dey "ma ma ma" me. So as you quiet reach one woman no do you? Wetin them get wey your wife no get? She no dey gree you do? No be the same pour you dey pour when you brokware with your wife naim you dey pour for those girls abi e different?... Ame oma (semen) wey una go take give we new pikin naim u dey carry give yeye girls for outside?.... Your wife no dey gree you do? Your mate no dey do soapie?

ELOHO Nene...ha!!

NENE: Tejiri, if your wife no gree give you, enter bathroom do soapie release yourself. No be to dey carry money and body dey give all those ogbanje girls for outside.... this your am sorry done too plenty....you dey hear me? Do soapie if your wife no give you do...where u dey? You dey Ologbo? U dey come carry your wife? You be better man. Oya hurry come before her papa come. No speed oh....Vrendo. Vrendo. Talk to your wife....she no dey gree pick phone since? 95 missed calls? You want finish her battery? Make the battery finish naim you talk? hehe You be better man. She go talk to you. Eloho take phone

ELOHO: (takes the phone) Hello...