Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Whenever I hear talk about the US especially by those criticizing Nigeria, I sometimes shake my head. I wonder what bad thing exists in Nigeria that does not or at the least did not happen in the US. I have told people that terrorism, corruption, kidnapping, suicide bombing, mass killing etc are not Hausa or Yoruba words. They aren't even pidgin which means they exist where English was made.

I had once written on facebook 4th September 2012 which I copied here to this blog this year about the similarities between Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and Hussain Barrack Obama. Sacrilegious as this might sound, if you read with open mind, you will see my point and at the least acknowledge the logic even if u disagree.

Goodluck Ebele Jonathan famously said of his difficult attempt to make sharp changes in the country, that "there are too many Goliaths". Watching Obama today  April 18 2013, at the White House lawn speak on his failed mission to enforce stricter gun control laws, he may not have used these very words but the spirit of exasperation that was in those  GEJ GEJ words inundated his speech.

It was supposed to be a no-brainer. If American laws required every car sold to be reported, why cannot the same be done of guns? Boko Haram has killed 4,000 (four thousand) people thus far. since the Sandy hook massacre where about 26 innocent children were slaughtered, over 4000 people have been killed by gun violence in America and still the Goliaths would not allow anything to be done to stem it.

Not to bore you with a long read, the conclusion remains that just like Nigeria, the powers that be (Goliaths) who have benefited from the status quo will never allow change and no Obama or GEJ, despite their best intentions can easily effect these changes and will continue to be blamed for things their democratic authority would never empower them to change.

I will herein post verbatim the very speech of Obama which is just more oratorical than GEJ's though the end product is the same....too many Goliaths. Here is the link for those who want to hear it from the horse's mouth. for those who cannot open the link, here is the transcript. We will allow Obama take it from here

"A few months ago, in response to too many tragedies -- including the shootings of a United States Congresswoman, Gabby Giffords, who's here today, and the murder of 20 innocent schoolchildren and their teachers –- this country took up the cause of protecting more of our people from gun violence.
"Families that know unspeakable grief summoned the courage to petition their elected leaders –- not just to honor the memory of their children, but to protect the lives of all our children. And a few minutes ago, a minority in the United States Senate decided it wasn't worth it. They blocked common-sense gun reforms even while these families looked on from the Senate gallery.
"By now, it's well known that 90 percent of the American people support universal background checks that make it harder for a dangerous person to buy a gun. We're talking about convicted felons, people convicted of domestic violence, people with a severe mental illness. Ninety percent of Americans support that idea. Most Americans think that's already the law.
"And a few minutes ago, 90 percent of Democrats in the Senate just voted for that idea. But it's not going to happen because 90 percent of Republicans in the Senate just voted against that idea.
"A majority of senators voted "yes" to protecting more of our citizens with smarter background checks. But by this continuing distortion of Senate rules, a minority was able to block it from moving forward.
"I'm going to speak plainly and honestly about what's happened here because the American people are trying to figure out how can something have 90 percent support and yet not happen. We had a Democrat and a Republican -– both gun owners, both fierce defenders of our Second Amendment, with "A" grades from the NRA -- come together and worked together to write a common-sense compromise on background checks. And I want to thank Joe Manchin and Pat Toomey for their courage in doing that. That was not easy given their traditional strong support for Second Amendment rights.
"As they said, nobody could honestly claim that the package they put together infringed on our Second Amendment rights. All it did was extend the same background check rules that already apply to guns purchased from a dealer to guns purchased at gun shows or over the Internet. So 60 percent of guns are already purchased through a background check system; this would have covered a lot of the guns that are currently outside that system.
"Their legislation showed respect for gun owners, and it showed respect for the victims of gun violence. And Gabby Giffords, by the way, is both -- she's a gun owner and a victim of gun violence. She is a Westerner and a moderate. And she supports these background checks.
"In fact, even the NRA used to support expanded background checks. The current leader of the NRA used to support these background checks. So while this compromise didn't contain everything I wanted or everything that these families wanted, it did represent progress. It represented moderation and common sense. That's why 90 percent of the American people supported it.
"But instead of supporting this compromise, the gun lobby and its allies willfully lied about the bill. They claimed that it would create some sort of "big brother" gun registry, even though the bill did the opposite. This legislation, in fact, outlawed any registry. Plain and simple, right there in the text. But that didn't matter.
"And unfortunately, this pattern of spreading untruths about this legislation served a purpose, because those lies upset an intense minority of gun owners, and that in turn intimidated a lot of senators. And I talked to several of these senators over the past few weeks, and they're all good people. I know all of them were shocked by tragedies like Newtown. And I also understand that they come from states that are strongly pro-gun. And I have consistently said that there are regional differences when it comes to guns, and that both sides have to listen to each other.
"But the fact is most of these senators could not offer any good reason why we wouldn't want to make it harder for criminals and those with severe mental illnesses to buy a gun. There were no coherent arguments as to why we wouldn't do this. It came down to politics -- the worry that that vocal minority of gun owners would come after them in future elections. They worried that the gun lobby would spend a lot of money and paint them as anti-Second Amendment.
"And obviously, a lot of Republicans had that fear, but Democrats had that fear, too. And so they caved to the pressure, and they started looking for an excuse -- any excuse -- to vote "no."
"One common argument I heard was that this legislation wouldn't prevent all future massacres. And that's true. As I said from the start, no single piece of legislation can stop every act of violence and evil. We learned that tragically just two days ago. But if action by Congress could have saved one person, one child, a few hundred, a few thousand -- if it could have prevented those people from losing their lives to gun violence in the future while preserving our Second Amendment rights, we had an obligation to try.
"And this legislation met that test. And too many senators failed theirs.
"I've heard some say that blocking this step would be a victory. And my question is, a victory for who? A victory for what? All that happened today was the preservation of the loophole that lets dangerous criminals buy guns without a background check. That didn't make our kids safer. Victory for not doing something that 90 percent of Americans, 80 percent of Republicans, the vast majority of your constituents wanted to get done? It begs the question, who are we here to represent?
"I've heard folks say that having the families of victims lobby for this legislation was somehow misplaced. "A prop," somebody called them. "Emotional blackmail," some outlet said. Are they serious? Do we really think that thousands of families whose lives have been shattered by gun violence don't have a right to weigh in on this issue? Do we think their emotions, their loss is not relevant to this debate?
"So all in all, this was a pretty shameful day for Washington.
"But this effort is not over. I want to make it clear to the American people we can still bring about meaningful changes that reduce gun violence, so long as the American people don't give up on it. Even without Congress, my administration will keep doing everything it can to protect more of our communities. We're going to address the barriers that prevent states from participating in the existing background check system. We're going to give law enforcement more information about lost and stolen guns so it can do its job. We're going to help to put in place emergency plans to protect our children in their schools.
"But we can do more if Congress gets its act together. And if this Congress refuses to listen to the American people and pass common-sense gun legislation, then the real impact is going to have to come from the voters.
"To all the people who supported this legislation -- law enforcement and responsible gun owners, Democrats and Republicans, urban moms, rural hunters, whoever you are -- you need to let your representatives in Congress know that you are disappointed, and that if they don't act this time, you will remember come election time.
"To the wide majority of NRA households who supported this legislation, you need to let your leadership and lobbyists in Washington know they didn't represent your views on this one.
"The point is those who care deeply about preventing more and more gun violence will have to be as passionate, and as organized, and as vocal as those who blocked these common-sense steps to help keep our kids safe. Ultimately, you outnumber those who argued the other way. But they're better organized. They're better financed. They've been at it longer. And they make sure to stay focused on this one issue during election time. And that's the reason why you can have something that 90 percent of Americans support and you can't get it through the Senate or the House of Representatives.
"So to change Washington, you, the American people, are going to have to sustain some passion about this. And when necessary, you've got to send the right people to Washington. And that requires strength, and it requires persistence.
"And that's the one thing that these families should have inspired in all of us. I still don't know how they have been able to muster up the strength to do what they've doing over the last several weeks, last several months.
"And I see this as just round one. When Newtown happened, I met with these families and I spoke to the community, and I said, something must be different right now. We're going to have to change. That's what the whole country said. Everybody talked about how we were going to change something to make sure this didn't happen again, just like everybody talked about how we needed to do something after Aurora. Everybody talked about we needed change something after Tucson.
"And I'm assuming that the emotions that we've all felt since Newtown, the emotions that we've all felt since Tucson and Aurora and Chicago -- the pain we share with these families and families all across the country who've lost a loved one to gun violence -- I'm assuming that's not a temporary thing. I'm assuming our expressions of grief and our commitment to do something different to prevent these things from happening are not empty words.
"I believe we're going to be able to get this done. Sooner or later, we are going to get this right. The memories of these children demand it. And so do the American people.
"Thank you very much, everybody."

Friday, April 12, 2013

And Tega Agbosa Cracks our Ribs. hahahaha

Barrister Tega Agbosa had this on his facebook update and invited me on BB to read it. Reading it I immediately knew why he drew my attention. It had the humor that embellishes my writing and I thought it made perfect sense that I share it with those who have grown a taste for what God puts in my head to write.
After reading, pls tell me how come many "Bendel" people are so funny. Let us allow Tega take it from here

"When I first enter Amsterdam, jab occupy person with correct groove and tins, everybody dey form pally sotay I nor even remember contact people wey I been done dey follow yarn small small before I enter the area. Me and the other oyibo people for office dey waka everywhere, chop yama yama wey nor dey ever done. On top say the lem nor done, e nor still dey belleful. True true, butter no be monkey food. And everytime na so the bill dey be gboah!. But wafi nor fit carry last, as oyile dey happy me sef go follow dem praise the food. If no be sense wey man get take arrange egusi and ogbono with one big lylon of G4 plus indomie follow body only God know wetin my eye for see that period. Everytime I reach house like dis my body go dey shake, cold plus alarm. Sharp sharp I don start to boil water, warm soup. When I don lem finish only me go start to provoke, who send me go this waka na? Onojuvwe? As I like mede mede reach, dis one pass my power. Dem nor dey tell person o, small small I start to dislodge. I free dem sharply before agbada go hook barbwire.

As I start to roll solo I remember some people wey I suppose block for here, two southie girls when my other southie friend hook me up with. No be dat kain hook up so comot mind for bad tin. In the land of Oyile all blackman na fellow area. One of their pally sef con join the parole so dem come be three, all from SA. Anyway we generally waka a few times, chop for outside and, as a papa filla I tell dem make dem shucking their money make I pay. Dem first draw rain say dem must pay but we know say all na activity because the "I go pay my own" wey dem dey sing so I no see anybody wey put hand for purse. But at least all of us gree say as Africans make we lem the closest thing to wetin we sabi, so no forming. True true dem correct die. So naturally we dey always arrange to meet like one weekend a month.

Na so we agree to do shacks last weekend. We first go wack, steak and fries, normal. Time to pay I bone, everybody must answer their papa name today. All of dem start to dey ask me how much dem go pay. I put the bill for table say make another person divide am by 4. I sure say dem go dey wonder why I lock up, but like Olamide, I no send. Anyhow anyhow we pay finish come say make we go another joint go high up. Na there yawa gas.

As we siddon dey drink dey gist, suddenly the atmosphere change. I nor fit breathe, I just dey look everybody face dey wonder who mess this mess. Girls dey pretend die. All of dem lock up bone like say nothing dey happen. Why all of dem bone? Shebi na only one person mess the mess? Wetin do the rest nose? I start to look around me so that the innocent among us go know say I innocent before dem go say Naija guys dey troway without human sympathy. Our reputation don kuku sawa, e go too easy to add this to the list. Abi na the guys for my back? Small time the tin pass, we start to breathe normal again. We drink some more, dem dance, we laugh, everybody forget. But the peace nor too tay.

"Gboza!" The person troway another silent killer. Dis time my head turn. All my thinking start to take place in pidgin. I start to breathe only out. Small time I start to sneeze like posy. All dis one so dem still bone. Ah my brain knock! My spirit start to provoke. For my mind I dey voke "If shit dey catch una make una go shit na. If shit nor dey catch una sef make una still go shit, wetin?". I close my eye, close nose close mouth. As I open eye my eye don red, the girl wey near me, the one wey I dey suspect, dey look her phone. Another one come ask me "are you okay?". I nor know when I say "wetin na?" Dem confuse come say "waiting? For what?" I say make dem nor worry. I start to search for mess for my belle, today na today. If dem send dem come meet me we go dig am today, shebi all na oxygen? Ehn lets go there. I start to ginger, kpata kpata we go use mess kill oursef today.

"Gbuyaka!". Before I fit gather my own the person release another one. Omo my belle squeeze, all mess producing facilities for my body shucking. I dey look dem, dey look dem, dey look dem. Dem see say I dey look dem, dem must know why I dey look dem. Yet everybody keep face straight. Ehen? Na so? Okay, no shaking. I get up, waka go stand for corner. Again dem dey look me, me sef start to look dem dey smile because at least I dey breathe better air now. One of dem wey don dey dance since, and the one I suspect less wan waka come meet me like say wetin I dey do there. I raise hand say make she dey where she dey, say I dey come. The other one smile. The last one, the one wey siddon near me still do like say nothing dey happen. Right then she confirm my suspicion, na she wan kill me.

When I suspect say the environment dey safe again I waka go back, say make we pay because I need to go. I turn to the "messer" with straight face tell am say "you for like go kaka sha!". She say "huh" I say "ehn". Nobody talk again. Bill come, we share the money again, pay finish enter road.

The next day one of the "innocent" girls call me say why I switch off come dey speak "Nigerian" yesterday. I tell her hoha say the "pharting on that table was a mind altering experience". She burst laugh say she think say na only her been dey smell am. God knows sha, if dem say make we comot again I go tell dem make dem shit first before dem leave house or I go nowhere, I can't shout!"

Monday, April 8, 2013

IF I FAT COME BACK FROM THIS AMERICA...The food too much abeg By Ena Ofugara

This past Sunday I tried to wear the native attire I brought from Nigeria just over a year ago and I tore it. I mean as it passsed my head I heard "tia". But I was determined to show i was Nigerian in this new very white-dominated church I attended the previous Sunday. I wanted them to know I am not a black American (as if my accent wasn't enough evidence). So despite the shirt's "tia" sound, I tried to wear the trousers and you know native trousers have waists so wide and a rope to tie it tighter. As I tied it and walked up the stairs, this time it was"kpia" I heard and behold looking at my "agada (crotch) I found a hole so big, Yokozuna can pass through and that was when I knew "e done dey happen oh!!! America food done dey enter my body"

You never know you are getting fat as a guy. It is girls that are paranoid about their weight that even a lekpa (thin girl) that adds big stones to her bag so the wind will not blow her from Lekki beach to 1004 apartments will be saying "Ena i am getting too fat" Mtchewww! You wish!. For us guys it is clothes that tell us cos we do not spend inordinate times naked in front of the mirror. And even when we do, we usually are admiring something else, telling ourselves that "objects in mirrors are bigger than they appear" And then we rub our stomach and say "evidence of hammer" (wealth)

Okay I was born big (11 kg at birth) but my hyper active "talki talki" play play self lost all the weight. people who remember me from Uniben would describe me as thin. In fact Osemotan Okosun, my blooder,  jibed me one day when I said I wanted to carry weights and pick up muscles, he said "Ena, dem no dey turn bone to muscle. Try chop make you fat first". CHAI!!! He discouraged me from becoming Nigeria's Arnold Shwarzenegger with that one "yabis". Semo, let your conscience judge you. lol

Now I am  from  a very middle-class background so growing up there was as much food at our table as was in any table around us so when I compare eating styles and habits, know it is done with the average family in mind....a little better than average perhaps.

You know how in Nigeria you can eat a big plate of eba and or foofoo/akpu and to see the meat you may have to scuba dive to the bottom of the bowl. And when rice is served even in parties, sometimes two Magi-cube looking object will lie atop the rice and you usually finish the rice before you eat the meat. Yes, we were taught that you should save the best for last. Then as you finish the rice/eba, u drink a big cup of water to fill whatever space that is left. In fact I remember the gist about a guy that said to a "mama put". (food seller)

Customer: "madam give me eight raps of akpu"

Mama Put:   "how much meat?"

Customer: "meat at you own risk"

Another version perhaps of that story is

Customer: "madam, give me eight raps of akpu"

Mama: "how much meat?"

"I dey hurry madam. No time to chew the  meat.  I done late for work"

So with this background i arrived America and I was taken out by Kimberly. As we sat down, they brought a large bowl of chips which is like fried black plantain but it is made of corn and then sauce to dip it in. Then a large bowl of small chicken thighs (at least sixteen). Then leaves fried in oils, tasting like meat (you should try it if you cook) and then wines.

Trust me I attacked the chicken thighs particularly and remembered my manners not to "talk while eating"....well it was so I could really eat as much and as quickly before one friend will come and visit me and reduce my ration (as if na Naija i dey and visitors that know your eating schedule and visit only then)

So having eaten to my fill and belched as silently as i could, the waiter came and said

Waiter: "can I take your order now"

("TAKE MY ORDER OR BILL"?) I wanted to scream and he added

Waiter: "how did you like your appetizer" 

Ena:( "APPETIZER???? This many chicken lap naim you dey call appetizer????" But not to "fall my hand" (disgrace myself), "Oh nice. Very filling"

( I started perusing the menu which made little sense to me because i did not know the foods so I asked)

Ena:  "So what tastes really good here?"

then the waiter started mentioning different types of meats and saying"well done" "medium rare" etc...things that made even less sense to me. But I am humble so I asked

Ena "what is medium rare"? Is it a rare kind of meat like dinosaur or mammoth" (this na America. the hunters fit dey catch meat from Jurasic park)

Waiter: (The waiter smiles in a kind of embarrased way)  "medium rare means half cooked"

Ena: (Chei!!! half-cooked wey kerosine no finish for stove? why people go dey chop half done meat?) Emm. Gimme the Pork ribs on (I no know wetin marinade mean) in Barbecue sauce.

Waiter: And what two sides do you want?

Ena: Sides? the side of the pork I want to eat? the ribs na. Where there's the "yokoyoko" oil.

Waiter: sides I mean um... cornbread muffins, rice, potatoes, grilled zucchini salad with lemon and scallions...

Ena: Em...(Rice na side abi na rice be the main food? Godabegoooo)

And so the food is served and indeed the rice I ordered was really "the side". It is the meat that is the main food. So unlike Nigeria where you will scoop like ten spoonfuls of rice and cut a lil bit of meat to manage it till the end, here you are eating the meat and then scooping some rice or zucchini to balance the meat.

So greedy me and because the "well done" meat I ordered tasted so good, I began stuffing myself and small water is leaving my eyes from the overfeeding.
Now Kim sees me struggling with the food and she says

Kim: "are you full?"

Ena: (Full wetin? make i leave better well cooked pig for who? No be money dem take buy am????) Not really. (I straighten up, move in my seat to allow more space in my stomach and delve into the meat...sorry food again. I at least finish the meat and as if on cue the waiter brings a large bowl of ice cream and large cake in the center and smiles.

Waiter: Your dessert.

Ena (dessert. hmmm. E get as you go chop only this cake, lick the ice cream, drink one correct cup of water and you done chop correct morning food be that till "eba hour" in the afternoon. I love cakes and ice cream. Living alone, it is something I always get from the mall. But that day I looked at the waiter with hate in my eyes. I wanted to ask him "dessert wetin??? Na so Arab people dey chop for "desert" na im dem thin? No dey call am dessert again. Find name call am" But instead I smile and still greedy me, I scoop some ice cream and after all it is just water. It will find a way to settle to the bottom of my stomach, past the meat and meat and meat and rice etc.

So as the bill is paid and waiter tipped, I walk sluggishly like a cobra that swallowed a full cow and unable to say a word on the way home. As I lay on the bed, food poured right back into my mouth and nose and i ran to the bathroom to retch out the food that I had so greedily engorged myself with

Okay that was high-end feeding. MacDonald has one dollar burgers that would fill u up in seconds. Remember the meat and dough is ground so flat that you dont even chew as it slides down your throat ,making you ingest faster and more as chewing is dispensed with. And the sodas... (no vex, na "soda" dem dey call minerals like fanta coke pepsi etc)... and for a dollar six cents, you are given one large cup and you go to a fountain or dispenser and you fill your coke or sprite from the tap and you can go five hundred tiimes as long as it is the same in you have not left finally. So you can drink coke till you drown for one dollar 6 cents.

So when you see people that you knew were thin in Nigeria like me put on weight, no, it is not that I now have money. NA LIE. Food is very cheap here and the achievement is not in the weight you are able to put on whereas in Nigeria people will say "your husband/wife dey take care of you oh. see as you come FRESH", here it is staying thin that is expensive.

So if I "rebuuu" or "orobo" come back, no be my fault. BLAME AMERICA