Friday, April 12, 2013

And Tega Agbosa Cracks our Ribs. hahahaha

Barrister Tega Agbosa had this on his facebook update and invited me on BB to read it. Reading it I immediately knew why he drew my attention. It had the humor that embellishes my writing and I thought it made perfect sense that I share it with those who have grown a taste for what God puts in my head to write.
After reading, pls tell me how come many "Bendel" people are so funny. Let us allow Tega take it from here

"When I first enter Amsterdam, jab occupy person with correct groove and tins, everybody dey form pally sotay I nor even remember contact people wey I been done dey follow yarn small small before I enter the area. Me and the other oyibo people for office dey waka everywhere, chop yama yama wey nor dey ever done. On top say the lem nor done, e nor still dey belleful. True true, butter no be monkey food. And everytime na so the bill dey be gboah!. But wafi nor fit carry last, as oyile dey happy me sef go follow dem praise the food. If no be sense wey man get take arrange egusi and ogbono with one big lylon of G4 plus indomie follow body only God know wetin my eye for see that period. Everytime I reach house like dis my body go dey shake, cold plus alarm. Sharp sharp I don start to boil water, warm soup. When I don lem finish only me go start to provoke, who send me go this waka na? Onojuvwe? As I like mede mede reach, dis one pass my power. Dem nor dey tell person o, small small I start to dislodge. I free dem sharply before agbada go hook barbwire.

As I start to roll solo I remember some people wey I suppose block for here, two southie girls when my other southie friend hook me up with. No be dat kain hook up so comot mind for bad tin. In the land of Oyile all blackman na fellow area. One of their pally sef con join the parole so dem come be three, all from SA. Anyway we generally waka a few times, chop for outside and, as a papa filla I tell dem make dem shucking their money make I pay. Dem first draw rain say dem must pay but we know say all na activity because the "I go pay my own" wey dem dey sing so I no see anybody wey put hand for purse. But at least all of us gree say as Africans make we lem the closest thing to wetin we sabi, so no forming. True true dem correct die. So naturally we dey always arrange to meet like one weekend a month.

Na so we agree to do shacks last weekend. We first go wack, steak and fries, normal. Time to pay I bone, everybody must answer their papa name today. All of dem start to dey ask me how much dem go pay. I put the bill for table say make another person divide am by 4. I sure say dem go dey wonder why I lock up, but like Olamide, I no send. Anyhow anyhow we pay finish come say make we go another joint go high up. Na there yawa gas.

As we siddon dey drink dey gist, suddenly the atmosphere change. I nor fit breathe, I just dey look everybody face dey wonder who mess this mess. Girls dey pretend die. All of dem lock up bone like say nothing dey happen. Why all of dem bone? Shebi na only one person mess the mess? Wetin do the rest nose? I start to look around me so that the innocent among us go know say I innocent before dem go say Naija guys dey troway without human sympathy. Our reputation don kuku sawa, e go too easy to add this to the list. Abi na the guys for my back? Small time the tin pass, we start to breathe normal again. We drink some more, dem dance, we laugh, everybody forget. But the peace nor too tay.

"Gboza!" The person troway another silent killer. Dis time my head turn. All my thinking start to take place in pidgin. I start to breathe only out. Small time I start to sneeze like posy. All dis one so dem still bone. Ah my brain knock! My spirit start to provoke. For my mind I dey voke "If shit dey catch una make una go shit na. If shit nor dey catch una sef make una still go shit, wetin?". I close my eye, close nose close mouth. As I open eye my eye don red, the girl wey near me, the one wey I dey suspect, dey look her phone. Another one come ask me "are you okay?". I nor know when I say "wetin na?" Dem confuse come say "waiting? For what?" I say make dem nor worry. I start to search for mess for my belle, today na today. If dem send dem come meet me we go dig am today, shebi all na oxygen? Ehn lets go there. I start to ginger, kpata kpata we go use mess kill oursef today.

"Gbuyaka!". Before I fit gather my own the person release another one. Omo my belle squeeze, all mess producing facilities for my body shucking. I dey look dem, dey look dem, dey look dem. Dem see say I dey look dem, dem must know why I dey look dem. Yet everybody keep face straight. Ehen? Na so? Okay, no shaking. I get up, waka go stand for corner. Again dem dey look me, me sef start to look dem dey smile because at least I dey breathe better air now. One of dem wey don dey dance since, and the one I suspect less wan waka come meet me like say wetin I dey do there. I raise hand say make she dey where she dey, say I dey come. The other one smile. The last one, the one wey siddon near me still do like say nothing dey happen. Right then she confirm my suspicion, na she wan kill me.

When I suspect say the environment dey safe again I waka go back, say make we pay because I need to go. I turn to the "messer" with straight face tell am say "you for like go kaka sha!". She say "huh" I say "ehn". Nobody talk again. Bill come, we share the money again, pay finish enter road.

The next day one of the "innocent" girls call me say why I switch off come dey speak "Nigerian" yesterday. I tell her hoha say the "pharting on that table was a mind altering experience". She burst laugh say she think say na only her been dey smell am. God knows sha, if dem say make we comot again I go tell dem make dem shit first before dem leave house or I go nowhere, I can't shout!"