Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Failing Forward By Ena Ofugara

 I done already title my autobiography FAILING FORWARD, which encapsulates what my life and many people's life story is. I dey read about Steve Jobs that owns APPLE and many times they sacked him from a company he built. He was broke more times than u wld believe, yet till date, when an Apple product is released, people queue up and fight to BUY...not free...to Buy them. He kept on and on even as he failed and must have been laughed at. 
I just felt like sharing my thoughts and situation that failing does not make you a failure. Again FAILING DOES NOT MAKE YOU a FAILURE. 
My dad told me "odjo Oro e riye, ka ro oma ere gboro Oro e" (when someone falls, it does not mean he should now  keep rolling on the floor) which means keep trying to get up.
Also a friends dad Igbunu Onosode told me what has been a recurring decima in my headl "the wheels keep turning".
I have taken many detours in my life and each one has broadened my horizon. I wrote an article on my blog "broken roads" and many have been inspired by it.
Is life hard? YES...even for billionaires.

 Is poverty a sin? NO. Elijah begged a widow for her last morsel. How low can it be for a man to beg a widow food? Pretty low I say. Did it make Elijah a sinner or a failure? NO. It was a phase, a design in a large tapestry called life.
The "sin" in poverty is in not trying. Not working hard despite perceived failures. Jesus says "he who does not work, let him not eat"
So I encourage myself and everyone else...even if you be down on your luck, to work hard, raise your chin up. be proud in the garri you are soaking, even if u do not have sugar. Ejiro Jalogho an ajebutter who came to live with me in Lagos, came with snooker sticks, expensive perfumes etc. @Dudu Tetsola and I laughed and said "he never ready to hustle Lagos. I left to Gordons hotel and stayed for 3 days and handsome Ejiro who ran out of money and as I wasn't home saw the garri and sugar I kept. He had never soaked garri in his life. His dad hold pieces, that is has money. Nobody taught Ejiro how to put water and mix the garri. Now as he was about to put Sugar, the sugar fell. He drank the garri like that..sugarless.

 When I came home, he told me the story, that his mom refused for them to drink garri cos it spoils eyesight she said. Ejiro looked at a distant billboard and told me "Ena, na now I dey see clear pass. I dey see that far billboard. Make I read am for you?" Dudu Tetsola and I laughed till we cried. But indeed ejiro saw a lot clearer with the garri. I termed it "garri-assisted vision". He was able to see a clear path in modeling and along with Uti and Ajibade his look-alike are sought-after models in Lagos. 

Ejiro has come here to America and the same story is repeating itself somewhat as he finds his feet. 
Poverty is no sin. Failure to work and laziness is. There is so much scriptures on the sluggard and the slumberer. But as long as u try, as long as u keep keeping on. As long as while u "hustle" you "look to the east from whence cometh your help" God will bless the works of your hand and prosper you.
I will say it a thousand times I AM BLESSED. I was blessed in Uniben plus the stress and wahalas, I was blessed  thru sojourn in Lag with Alibaba, Basketmouth, Alec, Kefee Gordons, Fragrance Don Pedro, Raymond Dokpesi etc. I was blessed with DnI's David and Isaiah Iteire and Adaz and Bclean and Snoop Damager at Magodo with swimming pool and Sauna flexing. I was blessed in Ketu struggling with Longjohns. I am blessed in America even when I had no car awaiting buses and trains in snow. I am blessed now typing this. I will still remain blessed even if Obama says this morning "Ena leave my America to ur Ekpan village".

 Because I do not count my success by the fact I threw away a whole chicken I bought a day before, cos I forgot and bought another on way back from work and no space in fridge anymore (I dey troway am I dey shake head) or that as winter set in I threw away designers cos I no fit keep clothes full wardrobe dey block space (my designers na from "sales". Dem cheap. Dem no pay freight way make am dear for naija.). NO.

 I am blessed because JESUS LOVES ME...in good and bad times, thru success and failure. ups and downs supine or upright. He is the fourth man when I am in the fiery furnace. He is with me in the Lion's den. If I do not hurt, how will I confirm he is the balm of Gilead? If I dont fal lsick, how will I know he is the great physician? If I no broke, of wha tuse then is Philipian 4:19? Which says he will provide all my needs?

So when u see me smile, na knowledge of who is in me bringing an overflow of confidence nay faith, that come what may, good or bad, kpokpo garri or hor's d'oevers, IT IS WELL.IT IS WELL IT IS WELL

 Make e beta for all of us in Jesus name. Amen

POVERTY IS A SIN? By Ena Ofugara

They say poverty is a sin and Christians have no business being broke. So is Benny Hinn an Olokun worshipper? The truth is that even as Christians and as humans we all make wrong decisions and we all fail in this or that area. Poverty is not a sin. It is a challenge and God's grace follows you through debt and getting back on your feet. He did not stop Shadrach Meshach and Abednego from being thrown in the flames, but he was there with them as the fourth man. He also did not stop Daniel from being thrown in the lion's den.
So as we go through life with our failures and victories, do not let a prosperity pastor tell you that you are a sinner that is why you are poor or that Jesus was poor so you can be rich. Just know that no matter your condition, the comforter will comfort you. It is the work of the Holy Spirit to comfort not to burn down "enemies". I am hardly the biggest christian in the building. I have a few beers in my system right now. But I know deep in my heart with all my right and wrong decisions, with my successes and failures, that Jesus watches over me.
People on facebook keep saying I am brilliant. My university lecturers didn't think so (... neither did they think so of Gani or Wole Soyinka) not because I wasn't brilliant but because I didn't apply myself to what I ought to do at certain times just the way Benny Hinn must have turned a blind eye on his finances. But Jesus is lord of second, third and fourth chances even infinitum. He turn the hardest of rock bottoms to trampolines which bounces you right back up when you fall. It is this knowledge that allows me to smile and look ten years younger than my real age (people here say I am 25. haha.me epa, Ose,) It is why for over 3 years on facebook, I continue to be upbeat. Efe Light Sakpere once said of a piece I wrote where my cousin Ofugara Smart told me "this too shall pass" that "Ena, so u dey get challenge too? I cracked my ribs with laughter. Dangote has challenges. I hear a few wives have left him. You think he is happy abt it???? Enron bankrupted.
So as you go to church later today, know that whatever your situation in life, Jesus is right there with you. Go to church with a sieve and throw out a few things the Pastor tells you. David, God's most loved was hungry and begged bread from the Temple. I am sure seeing him at that time, you would not believe he slew a Goliath. Job's own case is legendary. Go about life knowing it is not over till you are in a casket. Have u not heard where an old man who has been poor all his life drove a jeep at 80 years plus in that Sapele? IT IS NOT OVER.
I am saying this because of a message I got in my inbox. IT IS NOT OVER. Smarter people than you have failed. Duller people than you have succeeded. Time and chance happeneth to all things. (Ecclesiastes 9:11. No look people pictures on facebook judge their enjoyment. No look location. You no know how e be for people for London or here. Once again, know "his plans for you are of good and not of evil" (Jeremiah 29:11).
I can only speak what I know and that is GOD IS GOOD even when you are flat on your back like Benny Hinn right now. People will laugh and mock him but wait a few years and see where Bennu Hinn who is supine now will be.

Thursday, December 5, 2013


ABDUL: Ena, Ena, Omonigho has left me

Ena: na so I hear. Wetin happen sef. Wetin you do?
ABDUL: I did nothing.

Ena: She just wake up say she no do again? That na spiritual things oh!

ABDUL: No. The thing is a guy hit her car. It was a mere scratch ....

Ena: Ehen....dem scratch her motor...na reason to break up nowadays? Na you dey drive? You drive carelessly?

ABDUL: No Ena. You know I am meticulous. You always say that

Ena: Okay finish the story. You know say all this kine story dey sweet me like overripe  dodo

ABDUL: Man mi, she was moving straight and this fool came and hit her. Before I knew, she jumped out and started shouting at the guy.

Ena: ah ah. Ehen....

ABDUL: So I rushed out and was telling her to cool down. That I will pay for it

Ena: Fair enough. So?

ABDUL. My girl still continued insulting this guy told her only ashewo's have no respect for men.

Ena: Okpetu. The film done dey tough. wetin come happen?

ABDUL: My girl said "It is your mother and your mother's mother that is ashewo. You don't know your father. Ask your mother to tell you who your father is.


ABDUL: I just heard a loud sound like twa! I did not see my girl anymore.

Ena: as as how?????

ABDUL: I turned to look at where the loud sound came from and when I turned back, she was gone.

Ena: Shoo.

ABDUL. I then looked at the floor and there she was. Very calm

Ena: Wetin you come do?

ABDUL: The guy entered his car and left. Me? I helped my girl get up and as she entered the car, she drove and left me standing there.

Ena: why?

ABDUL: I had to take a cab home. I called and called. I went to her house, the gateman would not let me in.

Ena: shooo sake of say what?

ABDUL: It was later, after like 200 phonecalls that she told me what I did wrong

Ena: Which was?

ABDUL: Said I did not fight the guy

Ena: as as how?

ABDUL: That someone hit her car, that I ought to have been the one even shouting at the guy then she would be the one cooling me down

Ena: So that na u go receive that invisible slap abi???? And u sure say that kind of girl go cool you down abi she go put fire make una fight well well. Me, I dey know the kine girl I dey dey with wey I go take rake for person. Some kine girls, as you dey rake, instead them go say "honey it is enough, let us go" Them go say "Ena, make I help you hold your shirt make blood no stain am. E done SETigooo Yayyyyy." Them go dey rake on your behalf dey tell your opponent "you done die for my guy hand today" Like say dem do "otishe" or "nack and fall" or "gedu" juju for you wey you go use win the fight.

ABDUL: Exactly! She said I do not love her or else I would have fought with the guy. How does she expect me to be fighting on the street?

Ena: You no dey fight for street, na where u dey for fight? U for carry the guy go there

ABDUL: Stop being funny.

Ena: Hope you tell your girl say "I am a lover not a fighter"?

ABDUL: Stop playing please. I love her

Ena: She done tell you. If to say you love her, you would have fought for her

BELLO: You done see me fight once? No be we dey read atmosphere then know when to leave?

Ena: so wetin you want do?

ABDUL: No seriously, did she not see these rough dudes before she chose me? have I not always been gentle? is that not what she told everyone she likes about me? What if the guy beats me up. Don't you know the disgrace? My lip will be swollen.

Ena: Na that lip she go like to kiss as una reach house. The kine okware she for give u, bulb for ceiling  go blow. In fact Na now I know why girls dey like Boma and Jaguda like dem 2pac. Stubborn boys.

ABDUL: So what do I do?

Ena: Next time you go fight if she find trouble???

ABDUL: I have no choice. Even if they beat me I will fight. I cant afford to lose her

Ena. So u go gree make dem use blow design all ur lip because of her?

ABDUL: Yes. In fact, I will start taekwondo or Karate lessons. I will do body building. anything for her

Ena: Ok. I see say she hold your mumu switch. E good. Na this kind of one dey lead to marriage. Ok, see the plan. Since she like fight, we go wait outside. As she enter, you go go meet the gateman.

ABDUL: He won't let me in.

Ena: Correct. If he try to stop you, you go used this wood break all the louvers for the gateman house. Na that one we dey call "awareness". As you dey burst am, you dey shout like Tarzan. As the gateman near you, you go burst am one correct headbutt for chest, make head no pain you. as you head am, he go stagger go back. No give am space. Put strong blow for him jaw. Make sure say u dey shout as you dey do am make she for see u. Then kolobi the gateman. Dey shout say "I will kill him. I will kill anybody who stops me from you.

ABDUL. And what will you be doing?

Ena. I go dey far dey look whether police dey come.

ABDUL. You mean you wont help me....

Ena: When you and her dey enter room, you done call me come help you once? U WELL??? I say I go help u loook road if police or the area boys dey come. I go blow whistle then I go run leave you.

ABDUL ...errrr Okay. But okay, let me call my doctor, so he treats us after the fight.

Ena: U really want do am?

ABDUL: Yes....lets go. She will be home soon.

Ena: Na now I know why u be my friend since. Na me just dey do all ur strategizing. ekpa fefe. You want fight gateman wey no do you anything true true?

ABDUL: Even if I have to bite him I will

Ena: Mumu like you. Make we dey go. We go give the gateman like 15 thousand naira make he for let you beat am well well. Abi you think say wrestlemania na real???????

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

ALL ABOUT STOLEN CRUDE...Things you would never have known. BY ENA OFUGARA

I have heard some of the dumbest statements about crude oil theft from some top social critics who have never taken the time to read up or understand oil theft in the Niger Delta of Nigeria or globally. I do not know if maybe because there is little material available that deeply explains the goings-on

 I have found that like me when I watch football and my team is losing, even if it is to a much better-prepared, organized and financially savvy team, I scream at my team's coach who is not even the goalkeeper that allowed in a goal my late grandma would have caught with her arthritis.  NO! I still scream  "he no sabi coach. the coach yeye. sack am".  So also have many Nigerians been at daggers-drawn with the administration of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, many accusing him of either being indolent in the fight to stop oil theft, complicity in or in fact being the very thief of the crude. The only thing I have not heard is that the President's black colour/complexion is the crude that poured on him on one of the crude oil stealing missions

The most popular accusation is that he is letting "his people" of the Niger Delta steal the crude as a form of "settlement"

This article sets to give an insight into the oil theft business....what has never been in print (yes yes, I feel the coming applause...after all e no easy to carry una enter the creeks and dangerous yet lucrative business of oil theft.)

Now to avoid a case of slander and libel, most of the things I will say of people, please add "alleged" as I cannot prove anyone's involvement. What I here write, it is your choice to accept it or throw it away as baseless.

The brilliant ones amongst us will see the plausibility of the points and realize that even if it is unable to stand up in court, yet this is the true happening in the oil-rich Niger Delta and the new millionaires it spouts daily while the environment and peoples suffer.

Okay, we begin.

Oil, arms and cocaine are the three biggest international businesses of questionable nature. Blood diamond is a distant fourth.

The moneys that derive from these ventures make ending these businesses a very daunting if not impossible task.

Let us take a look at America, they spend the most money on securing their borders. They have the Coast Guards, Marines, FBI, CIA, and the police. Coca plants, from which you process cocaine do not grow in America. Yet if you stand back at many metro stations and street corners, and watch well, I am sure you will find someone you can buy cocaine or crack or at the ;least, marijuana from.

Now even if cocaine comes in small parcels, marijuana is very bulky and yet all of them find their way through the security apparatuses to even high schools and colleges...without fail.

Now why is this so? Why is almighty America that is able to detect those who try to harm the country, that spies on all the presidents of the world, that knows what you ate for dinner and if you were with your girlfriend while your wife was pregnant, why are they losing the "war on drugs"?


Okay, a very zealous president decides to fight the oil theft. He gets some solid no-nonsense policemen and soldiers from the North and sends them to the Niger Delta with the instructions "torpedo any vessel with stolen oil"

. The Hausa man is determined to do just that as he waves his three wives and ten children goodbye, asking Allah to watch over them for him.

He arrives Warri and gets on the boat with fellow officers as they patrol the waters.

He finds however that firstly, the creeks are not mapped as the country's leaders never envisaged they would ever develop that area. It was only good for draining the oil and not mapping it so as to get medical help or food etc to the denizens of the creeks. So even the soldiers rely on the Ijaw Private to navigate the boat for them.

He also finds that all eyes are on him as they patrol and the conversations...many of which is in Hausa as his townsman interprets what the Yoruba superior officer is saying to him. They are asking him about his family and if he wants the best life for them and he of course says he does.

And then they see the big vessel in the distance and they approach with speed. He gets his rifle ready and prays to Allah to protect him as he serves his country. Their patrol boat stops the vessel and he expects gunfire as he sees a very well armed boat of locals with leaves and red pieces of cloth around their arms, obviously voodoo as they clutch AK47s and SMGs ....superior guns to his.

He is somewhat afraid and wonders if they can win this battle should these people refuse to surrender. His thoughts immediately go to his 3 wives and even the fourth he is preparing to marry.

And then what happens next amazes him. The superior officer boards the vessel, returns with a huge suitcase and some expensive cigars and he is all smiles as the locals scream "officer! All correct sir" and let a few gunshots into the air as they and the oil vessel recede into the distance approaching international waters.

He is taken aback. He looks and sees eyes now furtively turned away from him. There and then the officer hands each of the JTF (joint task force) members a stack of money and hands him his.

This goes against everything he was taught in the mosque and in the army. But as he refuses to stretch out his hand, he hears a gun cock behind him and there and then he knows the choices before him....become rich or die poor...right here right now.

He reluctantly stretches forth his hands and takes the money, his survival instincts taking over....undesirous of a death in the slick waters of thee Niger Delta.

He looks at the money and his heart skips a beat...the stack is in clean hundred dollar bills. Adamu his 14 years old son can marry his first wife and he his fourth with this. He almost says "Allah Akbar, but stops himself as he knew this was against the teachings of the prophet. But what other choice does he have?

And as he comes ashore and visits his brothers at Hausa Quarters in Warri, as he hands in the dollars and gets 300 thousand naira in exchange at the black market, he realizes it is not a bad first day at the job. The Hausa people rush their complimentary cards to him and ask him to bring the dollars to them next time for better exchange rate....next time? Wow, what has he been wasting his time in the North for ever since?

The above is the everyday scenario of the JTF and attempts to stop oil theft. What government can pay its security 300 grand a trip? How do you compete with these businessmen?

America with its social security net, better society, insurance, etc etc are unable to convince their officers not to collect "egunje" (bribe) how then do you really expect the Nigerian soldier or police who are used to collecting twenty naira as bribe in broad daylight with kids watching, to refuse 300 thousand?

Now make no mistake, this is not a new development. It is only getting attention now because this administration has gone on to speak endlessly about it and are "clueful" enough to know there is only one way to fight it.....we will get to that shortly.


BECAUSE ALL THOSE WHO STOLE CRUDE OIL USED TO BE HAUSA MUSLIMS. Yes, Ijaws and all in the creeks were mere serfs/boyboy to these Hausas prior to Ken Saro Wiwa's wake up call. For "Alhaji" to trust and love you, you had to convert to Islam and trust the brilliant Dokuboh whose village has no mosque and who cannot explain how he became Muslim in the creeks to anyone except of course now you know.

These theft are why the word ALHAJI came to mean "oga", Millionaire" "master" to the average Niger Deltan.

Then came Ken Saro Wiwa, who knew these Hausas were not more intelligent than he and knew it was HIS OIL as in OGONI PEOPLE OIL that these Hausa/Fulani were using their own people as slaves while they made all the money....from his oil.

So he began the struggles against the oppression and theft. In fact to him, NIGERIA WAS STEALING HIS OIL AS NOTHING CAME BACK TO HIS PEOPLE.

Yes, Hausa with Yoruba support in following Ahmahdu Bello's script of saying "We must treat the Niger-Delta people as conquered territories" never bothered to give back to nor feed the goose that lay the golden egg. Lagos, then Abuja was developed while Oloibiri that brought the oil died...I mean DIED...yes Oloibiri where oil was first found is a dead town. The blood was pumped from its veins, its heart and liver harvested so Lagos can be healthy.

Same thing was done to Abuja as OgidigbeKpokpoUgborodo and Gbodoro etc continue to be wastelands with no government presence as its resources are drained through the pipelines. 


These young governors immediately see the potentials of the wake up call by Ken Saro Wiwa. The Ijaws and other tribes in the creek, beholden no more to their Hausa slave-masters are now mentored by the Iboris and Odilis and Alamieseighas who it is rumoured armed them even better and became the ones who now market the stolen crude...and why not? Is the oil in Arab lands not owned by the sheikhs? It is rumoured other governors started calling Ibori the Sheikh as we heard he even  attempted to own refineries in South Africa.

The wealth from the oil theft got into Alams and Ibori's head and they started asking for 50 percent derivation which pitched them against then president Obasanjo who then ensured Alamieseigha got arrested in the UK and then began the famous "Ibori is an ex convict" court case which brought Ibori to his knees as he would have been removed from office as he is an exconvict twice over during his time in the UK.


Now you must understand that OBJ in refusing for Odili and or Ibori to be president or vice, knew that these two individuals had too much power and money and so chose the powerless, docile GEJ to be Yar"Adua's vice.

Yar'Adua knew he had to stop this militancy which had gotten out of hand as both Abacha a military man and OBJ an ex military man's aggressive policies of engagement and killing was counter-productive. Yar"Adua saw that the country was losing billions from its reduced oil production and theft and knew he could not kill all the militants as Obasanjo tried to do in Odi which backfired both in oil production and in the eyes of the international community. So Yar"Adua proposed the perspicacious "amnesty program" which is a simple strategy to remove the majority of the youths of the Niger Delta and then he can go on to kill those who refuse to stop the militancy.

The strategy involved giving a pittance to these youths as payment and then going on to drain the oil. It worked and works still as it has led to companies returning to the creeks and oil production going back up.

Now he needed someone to broker the peace (same thing GEJ is asking of Buhari with the Boko Haram which Buhari refuses to do) GEJ went to the militants and there began his fight with Ibori.

Ibori was the only one militants listened to. People who are kidnapped even in Port Harcourt and Akwa Ibom are returned to him at Asaba. Thus Ibori was the most powerful man from the Niger-Delta, the feeders of Nigeria. Thus he wanted and indeed showed OBJ and Yar'Adua that GEJ was a neophyte and a stranger to how militancy works. He Ibori and Alamieseigha, GEJ's benefactor were the shot-callers and not this nonentity called GEJ...Vice President or not.

GEJ upon going to the militants was body-searched...told to hands up as they patted his body for guns and or wire taps. GEJ was said to have cried as he spoke Ijaw to the militants asking why they are humiliating him their own tribesman. That is he rambo that will shoot all of them?

Thus when YarAdua took the decision to bomb CAMP 5, GEJ remembering his humiliation said nothing.

Indeed, from Asari Dokubo's earlier speeches about GEJ, you will see a lack of respect that he would not dare with Ibori.

It is only now that GEJ has used the power of presidency to curtail Asari's excesses and Asari now knows to watch his statements to GEJ.

However successful the "amnesty program" has been, it has only succeeded to stop attack on oil installations and not to stop the boys from the creeks from making money. They have been exposed to the big business that oil is and really, who stops making money when he still can?


Okay, how then are these crude oil sales done? Okay check this scenario;  I Ena Ofugara find Chinese here in America wanting to buy crude. I get all four of them and we arrive Warri or Yenagoa. The Chinese do not trust me as I am a Nigerian. So they never pay upfront. They keep their vessel in international waters.

Now I locate these oil sellers who have gathered enough crude from illegal refineries in Burutu, Patani and elsewhere or have cut a pipe and have drained enough to fill a vessel. I tell them I have buyers. They too do not trust me so they ask one of the four Chinese to enter their vessel and if having loaded the vessel they refuse to pay and or run off, they murder the Chinese. This is human security/collateral for their oil. They get the vessel, pulled sometimes by tugboat to international waters where the Chinese vessel is waiting and then when payment is made, the Chinese is released to them. I get my cut or I am killed...as greed and double-cross are ever present where these huge monies exchange hands.


Where you one of the mumus that laughed at GEJ when he called for international help to stop oil theft? Did you join the media and facebook critics who insulted our president and called him "olodo" and "clueless" for asking their help? Slap yourself twice. Done? Good!!!

America knew they would never be able to stop security operatives from allowing drugs in. The knew the simple economic truism "WHERE THERE IS DEMAND, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SUPPLY". This was true in the PROHIBITION and it will be true forevermore. And so they devised  "follow the money". They passed laws and got International cooperation to declare drug trade an international crime and any moneys gotten/laundered through it was to be confiscated and shared between America and the host/domicile country. Switzerland and Luxembourg, the choice location for such moneys had to agree and that way the Escobars and and Griselda Blancos lost huge moneys to America and Switzerland and many druglords are no longer able to stay in business for long as it has become really hard to stash the cash.

This is what GEJ asks for stolen crude. It will reduce it....not end it even....just like drugs.

GEJ is pushing for crude oil theft to be added to piracy and drug trade as international crimes and so Nigeria can close down refineries in France, South Africa, China etc wherein stolen crude from Nigeria are refined. This is most "clueful" and deserving of support and applause.

Nigeria can never pay police 300 thousand per trip. WE CANNOT COMPETE, so stupid speeches that blame the remuneration of the police and army as reasons for oil theft is just silly.


The militants employed as security can only minimize and not eliminate it. What it does is get fewer youths not to need to be crude thieves themselves and also for them to catch a bunkerer here or there...as in...stop the smaller fishes.

But like as happens with the MAFIA and arms and cocaine dealer and barons, the big fishes, the sharks, the really organized criminals will continue to do this business as crime is a step ahead of detection


If you think Asari and the Tompolos get their money from pittance paid to them as amnesty, if you have criticised this admnistration based on this, neeldown, hands up and close your eyes. You deserve to be punished.

Asari Dokuboh is a brilliant man as are Atake Tom etc. These people have young brilliant people by their side as advisers...lawyers, doctors, professors too.
These ex-militants like old MAFIA bosses have legitimized. They have started doing legitimate businesses with these oil companies.

This is the part that is killing the Hausa/Fulani who owned this racket. Their companies can no longer assure Mobil, nor Chevron, nor Shell of security and safe passage of goods...especially during the peak of militancy. Now these companies need this oil and will continue to do business even if rockets and bombs land daily. All they will do is align with those that can ensure their business goes on as their society is run by this oil.

Thus when Ken saro Wiwa opened the eyes of these Ijaws and other tribes in the creeks, Asari no longer needed his "Alhaji" and thus became his own boss and suddenly his "alhaji" was calling him sir. Man Friday has taken over from Robinson Crusoe

These companies thus deal directly with these militants/ex-militants on security....no different from how the MAFIA operates....create a security need and fill that need.

But that is not all. These oil companies like Mobil only drill. Al other inchoate businesees like House Boats, hospitality, iron fashioning, pipe-laying, diesel supply etc are contracted out. Foreign companies seeking to do business now offeer the militants as much as forty percent of profits and make them partners.

Do I hear you hiss? Was this not how Awolowo got shares in Coca Cola, or Rewane Flour Mill and so on? Does Coca Cola need Awolowo to sell their products? NO. Global companies partner with locals ad offer them equities. These equities used to be given to the "Alhajis". Now it is given to the Tom Atekes and this is ingratiating to those who have been dislodged from this opportunity.

So if you see Tom Ateke with a private jet, he may own 30 percent equity of Bloomberg Drillers, and may be the labour supplier to Anderson Glass, and is chief security officer to Mobil.

Did you say something about the security? Did you just insult the Nigerian Government's inability to provide security? Again, give yourself a knock on your head. Security is provided in main by private establishments in capitalist societies. When a Nigerian arrives in the US, the first available job to him is as security man in a private establishment. Thus Atake et al are only following global trends.


1. Why was Asari Dokuboh the first person Al-Mustapha went to meet having been released from jail? What business do they have together? Should they not be enemies considering Hamza Al Mustapha was Chief Security Officer during the regime of Abacha and was Asari not public enemy number one? What business I ask again did they transact together?

2. If GEJ is involved in oil theft, why is his government through Ngozi Oonjo-Iweala the first to scream about it? Why is GEJ going round trying to lobby oil theft to be declared an international crime?

3. How will you end it if you were president? Can you stop your JTF from collecting bribe in the high seas and oceans of the Niger Delta? How will you monitor them?

4. Is it not time to build the bridges that the Forcados and escravos communities need to link them together by land as was done in Lagos that has contributed little to Nigeria's commonwealth in comparison?

5. If we stop the stipend to ex-militants, can Nigeria withstand the upsurge in jobless youths in the creeks?

Tell me how you intend to end oil theft and I will call you MASTER!!!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

WILL URHOBOS HIT OR MISS...AGAIN....Are there lessons to learn from our Itsekiri neighbours? By Ena Ofugara



The Portuguese like Henry The Navigator arrive the shores of West Africa. The Itsekiris like "King" Nana embraces the Portuguese. They open their arms... and legs to them and we have the Itsekiri "potokri" (mulattoes/Half Castes) children as evidence of embrace.

 The Urhobos do not.

The Itsekiris become the true allies of the Portuguese and one of their King, Dom Domingoes even goes on to be one of the first Kings ever to become a College graduate in West Africa.

The effects of this Itsekiri embrace of the Portuguese and Urhobo snub can be seen by the early dominance of Itsekiri traders like King Nana and Dore Numa....a dominance that made Nana consider himself a King of all the people's in that area including the Itsekiris when he was not.

The Urhobos miss out.

17th Century

Royal Niger Company (later UAC)

They arrive. Itsekiris embrace the British, Urhobos do not. King Nana does not. He is defeated and Itsekiris flee to Sapele and environs but maintain loyalty to the Olu's throne unlike Urhobos who would have immediately become clans and Kings in new lands.

Itsekiris also quickly rally and support the British, not minding the overthrow of their usurper King Nana. Dore Numa springs forth and becomes the new Nana and claims yet again to be King and leader of all tribes in the region and British indeed recognizes him as such.

This embrace by Dore Numa and his forebears lead to  Itsekiris being middlemen to Urhobo farming produce, making all the moneys from Urhobo enterprise of oil production and Urhobos in protest started cheating on the oil in protest of the exploitation and thus earning the name "Urhobo way oh" now known as "urhobo wayo" a derogatory reference to Urhobos as cheats.

The Itsekiris won and become somewhat overlords acting even as middlemen for selling of Urhobos as slaves to the British.

Again the Urhobos miss

Pre Independence Politics

Awolowo, is Premier of the Western Region and the Urhobo Nation is in the then Western Region. Thus they are under Awolowo.
Itsekiris like Rewane immediately align with Awolowo and had even employed him as their lawyer in the land cases against Urhobos.
Urhobos do not align with Awolowo nor The Action Group.


Awolowo as Premier then punishes Urhobos and declares The Olu of Warri, who is at best only a leader of his people the Itsekiris, the paramount ruler of the whole of Warri and labels him Olu of Warri from The Olu of Itsekiri which the British saw him as and which he was.

Again the Urhobos miss in their political calculations.

 The very Festus Okotie-Eboh and his immense wealth and  his NCNC  as led by Nnamdi Azikiwe whom they supported, betrayed them as Okotie-Eboh aligned with his Itsekiri lineage and thus solidified the Itsekiri hold on the political headship of the region.

Once again the Urhobos Miss

1979. Second Republic.

Urhobos decide to support the UPN which is Awolowo's party but choose to support Michael Ibru ahead of Ambrose Ali in the party primaries.
Ambrose Ali emerges as Governor of the Bendel State and decides instead of elevating the College of Education Abraka to a University, he instead builds a University from the scratch in his village Ekpoma then called BENSU (Bendel State University now Ambrose Ali University AAU) and why not? Why reward the Urhobos who chose their own Ibru? He too will choose his Ekpoma.


Urhobos punish Ambrose Ali and choose Samuel Ogbemudia. Then comes Buhari and his coup and Urhobos do not benefit from the political decision
This is a stalemate. Not a hit, not a miss.

1991. State Creation.

The Urhobos have their own state and are now able to assert some sort of superiority over her Itsekiri neighbour who no longer have Awolowo, nor the Oba of Benin's influence to keep the Olu as the most superior paramount ruler of the state. The Olu was second only to the Oba and was considered a first class traditional sovereign. Ordinarily this should have put him as head of traditional rulers of Delta state but with the creation of Delta, the Okpes realise they are the number one in population of a single people and as such the Orodje of Okpe was the first chairman of the council.

The Urhobos HIT for the first time.

it must be noted that Asaba being made Capital as against Sapele which was once considered to be Bendel State Capital back then, narrowly losing to Benin City, or Abraka which is in the very middle of the state and even Warri with its large Urhobo population, was viewed by Urhobos as a loss.
They made so much noise about it.
However, Miriam Babangida, the rumoured reason for the choice of Asaba as capital did not put this to heart and even encouraged the local gin production by Urhobos with her presence Under her project Better Life For Rural Women.

She was just magnanimous else it would have been a miss as the Urhobo opposition did not factor we were in a military administration and there was nothing we could do to change such decisions.

Stalemate....no MISS

1991 Third Republic

And with Urhobos having by far the highest population of a single group, the Governorship was theirs for the taking.
Itsekiris like Omamuli had no chance. NO WAY. The Itsekiri population was too few at less than a million to the Urhobo over four million.

But again, even with it being an Urhobo vs Urhobo primaries in SDP, Urhobos managed to bungle it by choosing Ighovojah ahead of Felix Ibru. It took some National presence of Kingibe and other SDP leadership to overturn a clear win for an unknown Ighovojah. AMAZING!!!

And even during the elections proper, Opiah of NRC might have sprung a few surprises but for Akpeki's role in the Ijaw communities of Patani and Burutu.

Of course Olorogun Felix Ibru remembers. He rules Delta State but is not as Urhobo-centric as many would have wanted as he knew his support-base was not his own Urhobos who chose his brother, Michael's former staff ahead of him.

Well the third Republic was truncated and well....

1999. Fourth Republic

A certain young man with immense wealth and military backing comes to become governor. Urhobos sneer at him, wondering the source of his stupendous wealth, but above all CALLING HIM ITSEKIRI when they very well knew he was an Oghara boy.
Sapele and many Urhobo towns do not vote for him, choosing Engineer Kragha. Even the Urhobo Progressive Union chooses Kragha.
Ibori wins. Sapele, perhaps the Urhobos most proud town and venue of all PDP activities is punished by James Onanefe Ibori with zero developments.
Yes, he could not believe that a sister town to his Oghara like Sapele could treat him so.


And Urhobo favourite son Ogboru runs against James Ibori. Urhobos suddenly see a "real Urhobo" unlike James "Jolomi" Ibori an Itsekiri (silly viewpoint) and vote Ogboru en masse and if not for what many believe to be serious electoral fraud, Ogboru would have defeated Ibori.

Ibori did not forgive many Urhobo towns again Sapele and Abraka leading the zero development.

Again Urhobos misses in many ways.

Also note that Urhobos joined Ibori's opponents and wanted him removed from office when it was alleged (now we know rightly so) that he was an ex convict.
Many however said to Urhobos that it was because of Ibori and Alamieyeseigha of Bayelsa's call for resource control or at least 50 percent derivation which would have given Delta State huge monies for development.
Ibori capitulated especially as Alamieseigha was successfully removed from office.
Ibori immediate became Obasanjo's wallet, making him spend an alleged 6 billion to get Yar'Adua elected to president.
Ibori never forgave many Urhobos yet again.

Urhobos miss again in many ways

Ibori develops Oghare, putting a Polytechnic, and a standard hospital as well as tarring the streets and street lights and making millionaires of many Oghara and Mosogar people.

Urhobos hit...at least a town even as Sapele, Abraka etc people suffer neglect

Urhobos hit and miss somewhat

Now check the brilliant Itsekiris.

 My year two law lecturer Prof Itse sagay writes in the Vanguard or Guardian (I think Guardian)  that Itsekiris must stop the bickering with the Urhobos as they have no chance of being governor and must align.

Itsekiris, listening to that voice of reason support Ibori and they enjoy his administration throughout....even leading to his handing over to an Itsekiri Uduaghan.

Today, check if you will see any Itsekiri call Ibori a thief. THEY REFRAIN. Young Itsekiris like Amaju Edema-Eyen amongst many still call Ibori "leader", not caring if Ibori developed Oghara more than Ode Itsekiri.

Urhobos on the other hand call him a thief and that he developed only Oghara. WHICH ONE DID IBRU DEVELOP? Is Oghara not Urhoboland??? Must it be your village???

Yet only Oghara and Mosogar people really defend Ibori.

Very stupidly, Urhobos still consider him "Itsekiri" saying that JOLOMI is his real name. That he was Itsekiri Students president in Uniben while he was there.

How they fail to see the amount of millionaires of Urhobo descent and the many roads in Uvwie (the very place that took over a radio station and announced Ogboru as winner) and other places, beats my imagination.

Ibori stole Delta State money and or misappropriated same to install Yar"Adua and so Urhobos are understandably angry. But is there a governor in Nigeria that is not a thief? Did Odili, and even that Yar"Adua not steal their state monies? Did they throw them under the bus? HOW ABOUT TINUBU? Are Deltans more "aware" than the Lagosian? Has Tinubu not stolen a lot more than Ibori, even sacking College of education and using the land as personal property. Add a nursing hostel to that....add so much more and Urhobos throw an Ibori that is BUILDING UNIVERSITIES, not sacking them, under a bus.

I can never support embezzlement and I join to condemn Ibori but I am writing to show just how different Urhobos are from others and why we suffer neglect as compared to others.

Again Hausas demanded the stopping of prosecution of two of their sons El Rufai and Nuhu Ribadu.....(people who had run away just like Ibori for huge theft), they demanded their freedom from prosecution from Goodluck Jonathan before they can vote GEJ. They did not care if they were in PDP or ACN or CPC. All they said was RELEASE OUR SONS and GEJ had to oblige. Did Urhobos make such demands of GEJ for Ibori or Urhobos danced and jubilated, believing now his power will diminish and they can rise to power?

GEJ would have called Dubai and Dubai would have released Ibori to him and not to London.

So while Nuhu Ribadu and El Rufai continue to be Hausa/Fulani Muslim voices, the only son of Urhobo of the ruling generation is locked away in prison in London when GEJ could have threatened Dubai to release him to Nigeria and rightly so. Instead Urhobo's frontline son, the Odidikpoikpoi languishes in a British gaol and Urhobos have no one of National clout to argue out her case

I say MISS. (you can say hit if you like)


Emmanuel Uduaghan, a man who speaks better Urhobo than Itsekiri and who grew up amongst Urhobos and considers them brothers is chosen by Ibori to replace him.

Urhobos believe the governorship is their birthright and forget that sometimes alliances and political exigencies must make you allow for a movement of power from your tribe.

Uduaghan that could have been turned to a surrogate Urhobo governor is turned into an enemy and aside from Ethiope LGA where we even believe his win is from rigging, URHOBOS THREW HIM AWAY AND VOTED OGBORU.

Uduaghan and Michael Ejele Diden and Ayiri and EVEN IJAWS WHOM THEY JUST FOUGHT IN A WAR, the Orubebe's read the times they magically bring out "mammywater" votes from the riverine areas and Urhobos go with EK Clerk.

Uduaghan wins and instead of Urhobo leadership to go to him and make the peace and negotiate development for Urhobo areas, they cling on to hopes of court cases, forgetting PDP will never agree to lose Delta State and her huge oil deposits.

Urhobos scream "rigging, cheating, wayo" like they do not know the country they are from. In fact, they fail to even see that American elections like Nixon vs John F Kennedy and Bush vs Al Gore where all rigged and that life is Machiavellian..."the end justifies the means".

I laugh at Urhobos because we all know that the riverine areas will dictate the elections and it did 3 times. COME ON GUYS!!! DID WE NOT KNOW KOKO ETC WILL DICTATE THE RESULT OF THE ELECTIONS??? Have we become so intentionally amnesiac? Is it not what won it for Ibru against Opia? Will it not also win it is 2015? Why are we deluding ourselves?

GREAT MISS (pun on word "Great" intended)

Just take the last paragraph. We repeated same moves and had same result.


Ewherido vs Amori

And Urhobos choose the Pineapple  over an Umbrella that covers the whole of the nation except a few places in the West, North and Anambra.

Now here is Amori, a very wily creature and Ibori's backbone and reason for victory. Here is a man that with Urhobo support would have been a National force by now. Here is a man with the requisite evil nature that survives Nigerian politics and Urhobos neglect such a crocodile that would compete in the shark-infested Abuja waters, and we sent a dolphin in Pius Ewherido....what a loveable Dolphin. I loved him. Urhobos loved him...but he was a dolphin amidst sharks.

Why Urhobos would send a DPP candidate in a PDP Nigeria, in a democracy that is all about "PARTYsan" (partisan) politics, I cannot fathom.

And here is the benign super-nice Dolphin Pius Ewherido and he is totally unable to head any real committees, influence appointment of Urhobos into juicy positions, push the PIB Bill as he belongs to no powerful caucus etc by reason of party. "Person pikin never chop, make dem give stranger pikin?" I can hear PDP people say about Pius Ewherido

Now the Dolphin saw he was powerless and decided to join a party that would give him some solid foundation on which to stand and be able to represent Urhobos. PDP had no space so he chose to go under the party of a worse thief than Ibori (Tinubu) and a tribal/religious and regional zealot (Buhari) who has never commiserated with any family of slain Deltans...many as they are and instead threatening worse.

But Ewherido knew he could not go to PDP and needs something stronger than a slippery pineapple to stand on.

But again the Urhobo representative chose a party that is anti the government in power. A PARTY THAT WILL NEVER WIN THE PRESIDENCY in a PDP Nigeria.

So again, just like pre 1960, Urhobos are choosing to be in opposition, refusing to support the ruling party in their state and country AND THEY EXPECT DEVELOPMENT and appointment. How is that possible?

Should we hold lectures to teach Urhobos that democracy is "winner takes all"? That if you lose, you have YOUR SAY (worthless say) while the winner has his way?

Why will not Uduaghan say Michael Ejele, a former chairman of Koko is suddenly Urhobo so as to have him and Ayiri Emami and the Ijaw Tompolo as the 3 leaders of pipeline jobs? Why will he not now hand Ejele all  what is going to the Urhobos when he is the one who orchestrated Uduaghan's victory? Why would the Urhobos not be left with the crumbs?

Why would GEJ listen to an Ewherido that cannot help him pass a bill or rally support for the PIB as the ONLY DPP SENATOR?

Why would Urhobos knowing at state level they did not pick the winner and at National level they sent a member of a near-non-existent party as their rep expect anything?


And Urhobos shouted at the snub and GEJ heard it and chose an Urhobo great in Patrick Aziza to come and help restructure PDP as an elder.

This places Aziza right there with Anenih, Babangida, etc. This means he would have a say as to whom is chosen as a minister, judge etc but Aziza turns it down and many Urhobo voices for selfish partisan reasons....SELFISH PARTISAN REASONS prefer our retired General Aziza to remain provincial just like our respected Orodje Mujakperuo.

Now two of our foremost sons who like David Mark and babangida and Obasanjo and Oyinola and Theophilus danjuma have a background in the army....while the others continue to politic on behalf of their tribes, regions and peoples, ours are "Orodje" and UPU president or is it governor general???

Can we not beg one, especially now that we have no one to stand in the space for Urhobos, can we not second Aziza to stand in that stead and speak in our interest?

But Urhobos, with their "clan spirit". "My egodo (compound) attitude" divisive to say the least and  "I fit do am. I no get oga. I be my own oga. them done old, give another person chance" thinking/spirit refuse to see that NO ONE AT THIS TIME COMPARES TO AZIZA's CLOUT.

They do not see that older Anenih and Tinubu etc are representing their people. Urhobos??? NOOOOO. Aziza is TOOOOO OLDDDDDDDD. Mtchewwwwwwwww.

And so Urhobos will miss a chance at being top of the food chain and Aziza will be strolling to Orerokpe to hang with our Orodje while Abuja cries for use of his pedigree.


2015. (The future)

Urhobos already are divided into two parties DPP and ACF and knowing Urhobos, THEY WILL VOTE URHOBO.

The movement to allow power move to the North will enter through one ear and exit the other.

Urhobos will not know that should Itsekiris and Ijaws agree to allow power move to Anioma, should Urhobos be absent from that agreement, THAT IS THE END OF URHOBO GOVERNORSHIP FOR TWENTY FOUR YEARS.

Yes 24 years because Anioma will hand it to Ijaw and Ijaw back to Itsekiri and Urhobos/Isokos will be left in the lurch as we are not majority enough to withstand the force of a united minority....same treatment I have advocated to be given Hausa/Fulani in Nigerian politics with their born-to-rule ideology.

Yes look at the Delta State map and population figures, URHOBOS AND ISOKOS CANNOT GO IT ALONE....that is even if Urhobos will allow Isokos be governor even and if Solomon Ogba does not take Isokos to join the alliance against a closed-to-political-reasoning/reality Urhobos.

Now check out the Itsekiris.
1. They align with Ijaws who just sacked and killed them in a war (Itsekiris fought the fourth most populous ethnic group and Ijaws from all over united on their account. There is no way to avoid Itsekiris getting a hiding/beating from such a populous people.) for Uduaghan's election

2. They put the idiocy of the war aside and support GEJ. Seriously, read Itsekiri men and women on facebook and see if they ever criticise GEJ. NO!!! They are silent at worst.
These brilliant neighbours of Urhobos know their political fortune in Delta State, Goodluck Jonathan may be the one to decide.  So they let bygones be bygones and support THE POWER OF TODAYYYYYY not tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. BRILLIANCE.

3. They forgive GEJ for Ibori.

Indeed, I shake my head at such small-mindedness of Urhobos who do not learn from history that men have aligned with people who killed their sons...all of them. That personal  interest takes precedence over some held grudges.

4. They will not contest in 2015. They will align with Delta North and Ijaws and defeat Urhobos in 2015. Urhobos on the other hand will try to perpetuate themselves in office as if only Urhobos exist in Delta State.


The very present.

Urhobos have presented 3 very credible candidates. I AM PROUD OF US. Chief Emmanuel Aguariavwodo of PDP is an excellent man whose love for Urhobo know no bounds and Ede Dafinone, son to a former senator and Okpe Chief and whose family is in Guinness Book of Records as being All Chartered Accountants and of course O'Tega Emerhor, a seasoned player in Nigeria's finance sector.

Those who follow me on facebook know the scathing comment I made on Napoleon Gbinijie and thus know I take who represents me as an Urhobo seriously. I cut him to size because the Urhobo Nation must put her best feet forward especially NOW.

Again all three candidates are a joy to behold and I congratulate Urhobos on their excellent choice. WE ARE SPOILED FOR CHOICE.

However, come saturday, Urhobos must look beyond personalities as all 3 are qualified and look at the Urhobo very existence and relevance.

If we want to be away from the mainstream and go over the same circumstances and powerlessness Ewherido experienced, then by all means let us vote Ede Dafinone. He is a fantastic young man I hear...our oyibo pepper.

If we want to be a "powerful opposition" and give PDP heat. If we believe APC with Buhari and Tinubu is a better alternative to our own neighbour the Ijaw GEJ, by all means let us vote Emerhor. I mean APC tablet used to cure headache back then right? maybe he will join Buhari to cure us of PDP and GEJ.

Indeed Urhobos can take their chances with the opposition and who knows, a miracle can happen and PDP who are conducting elections in a very fraudulent Nigeria and who have the requisite National spread and finance and who are like a confraternity where people never are able to leave as they always settle just before elections...if we believe the "owners of Nigeria" like Babangida will rather have Buhari than GEJ, then we should go ahead and vote Emerhor. HE IS SUPER QUALITY. Was he not the one that donated 110 million (one hundred and ten million) naira to UPU?

But if Urhobo nation is tired of being sidekicks in this Federal arrangement. If we want a man that can whisper in the ear of the president. If we want a man that Obasanjo and everyone respects. If we want to do the big deals and seamlessly, then we must find our way back to the PDP and the mainstream.

Indeed the choice is clear.


May God grant us the political savviness and wisdom to CHOOSE WITH OUR HEADS NOT WITH OUR HEARTS.

MAY WE HIT THIS TIME and not MISS yet again


Thursday, August 29, 2013

MAMA OSARO GOES KINKY ....to save her marriage BY ENA OFUGARA

Mama Osaro goes to meet the DHL delivery man as he delivers the box. She had prayed for her husband not to be around when the box was delivered. How could she explain to him what was inside? So with her heart racing, she grabs the box and shuts the door and locks it securely even though it is mid afternoon.

She looks at the content of the box as she opens it. She wondered if she could follow up with her plan. It had taken all of her will to even have thought about it how much more agree for her friend to send it to her.

The conversation with her long-time friend had been heart to heart. Ifueko lived in Holland, the land of "anything goes" and has always been a free adventurous spirit from childhood. She was yet unmarried at 39. The conversation that day was so heart to heart Ifueko opened up to her

Ifueko: Oghogho, hmmm, you do not know the half of it. Men nowadays are just after one thing....two actually. They want to chop your body and then your money.

Mama Osaro: Ifueko!!! You cannot keep thinking like that. There must be one among them that is yours.

Ifueko: Even if they carry an ID from God that says "Ifueko's husband", I will not believe anymore. I have seen pepper in this my life.

Mama Osaro: Pepper? Ha! You that have all the freedom and money in the world? You are enjoying I tell you.

Ifueko: Enjoy? hahahahaha. I will trade it all for one man who will truly love me.

Mama Osaro: Then get one

Ifueko: Easier said than done. Is it that easy? Me you are seeing here, I have cooked, cleaned and given a man my bank card. hmmm. I have even polished his shoe. Me Ifueko, finest girl in pharmacy, head pharmacist St. Antonius Ziekenhuis Nieuwegein, I have bent down and polished a man's shoes just because he promised to marry me.

Mama Osaro: I see your pictures on facebook and you have no idea how envious I am of you. Me, since I got married, it is like I immediately became ugly. Do you know even my wedding night my husband slept off and left me in my white gown? I pulled it off myself. All my fantasies of how romantic that night will be dashed.

Ifueko: papa Osaro must have been tired.

Mama Osaro. Tired? Did he go and play football or run a marathon? Did I not dance more than him on the wedding day? You have no idea how annoying to hear a man snore near you when you want him to touch you
Ifueko: If he does not touch you, where did Osaro come from? He must have been "doing" you every night because you had Osaro same year you married. You married in January, had him by November

Mama Osaro: Is it by many times? hmmmmmm. Before we got married, he used to fight me to sleep with him. It was you that encouraged me to even allow him sleep with me else i would have been a virgin on my wedding night.

Ifueko: Oghogho or is it Mama Osaro, so you really were a virgin? I thought you were lying oh. It was when Agbons confirmed it to me that he deflowered you that I finally believed. I thought maybe on one very good day you had given it out to one guy back in secondary school or something.

Mama Osaro: God forbid.

Ifueko: God forbid what? We that allowed boys put their small....

Mama Osaro: Pls it is enough. Do not spoil me

Ifueko: Holy virgin mother of Osaro. In fact, I am sure you do holyholy in bed when you should be giving him strong....

Mama Osaro: stop stop stop.

Ifueko: Stop what?

Mama Osaro: You know I am born again so I cannot be....

Ifueko: Okay you are born again, why are you telling me how your husband snores?

Mama Osaro: em... I don't even know why I said it

Ifueko: How long have we known each other?

Mama Osaro: at least twenty five years

Ifueko: So with how long I have known you and how exposed I am, you think I cannot tell when a woman is undersexed and sexually frustrated?

Mama Osaro: em...well.... (sighs)

Ifueko: Do you touch yourself?

Mama Osaro: God forbid. It is a sin

Ifueko: Hmmm ok. I will not argue with you. But for me, it has reached a stage where if I see my own fingers or small batteries, I get turned on

Mama Osaro: Jesus!!!

Ifueko: Even the fat candles of the priest in church makes my minnd wonder...

Mama Osaro: May God forgive you

Ifueko: Amen. Is it every time you will call Jesus name even? I use cloth to cover my bible and rosary when I want to "love myself like my neighbour"

Mama Osaro: You mean "love your neighbour as yourself? This Ifueko! You will turn the Bible upside down. Moreover whether you hide the Bible inside wardrobe, God can still see you.

Ifueko: So what will not be a sin to you?

Mama Osaro: See, you know I am very shy. Do you know I have never once asked my husband for ...you know...

Ifueko: really?

Mama Osaro: How will I tell him? Papa Osaro or Agbons or honey I am .... I cannot.
Ifueko: So what do you do?

Mama Osaro. Nothing. I wait for him to want me

Ifueko: And how often does he want you?

Mama Osaro: Well, between drinking with friends and staying too long in the office and watching Arsenal, hmmm...then being tired and having head ache or stomach pain....or being too drunk or even having malaria that goes away once it is morning....I would say......

Ifueko: No let cobwebs go dey for there oh

Mama Osaro: what?
Ifueko: You want make the thing rust abi?

Mama Osaro: Ifuekoooooo!!!

Ifueko: And here I was thinking married women have all the sex in the world with a man that comes home each night

Mama Osaro: You have no idea. Boyfriends aim to please but once they are promoted to husband, in fact it is almost early retirement especially after giving birth. But Ifueko, I am still fine am I not? (her voice breaks leaden with tears)

Ifueko: Do you want my honest advice? You should...

Mama Osaro looks in the box and begins to check its content. Yes she was going to do it just like Ifueko advised. She had "researched" a few "new media coital lectures" which in truth was some porn sites Ifueko had given her links to. She was ready and resolved or was she?

Papa Osaro comes home ready for it to be the usual evening then night. His every waking thought was with Arsenal Football club and he knew his whole happiness was based on how well they did. If only Wenger knew how many people's happiness hung on his decisions, he would stop selling and sign world class players and not small boys. He parked his car in the garage and as he came down he wondered the food Mama Osaro cooked. Mama Osaro,....hmmm she was well named Oghogho at birth meaning Joy and indeed she was a joy.... that was one of the things that he was thankful for...mama Osaro. She was his spine. She was so pliable...so calm....so uncomplaining. He always laughed when his friends tell him of how troublesome and disobedient their wives are. Well, his classmate much younger sister Ifueko introduced him to her friend Oghogho and that has been the best thing anybody has ever done for him. He was ten years older and at 46 he felt on top of the world....good job, happy home, cold beers and then Arsenal. Life is good.

He sits down to eat a sumptuous plate of pounded yam and egusi soup. He notices that the mounds are a little more than usual and also how much more delicious it was than the ones prepared with powder. This was an Edo woman hand-pounded yam…pestle, mortar and all. He had learnt from his father that no matter what he did outside, he must come home to eat. He knew it was the height of disrespect to come home bellyful with food from another woman.

So with his tommy loaded he went to bed knowing it was straight to dreamland. He notices his wife’s eyes following him watchfully and wonders what is on her mind. It has been a while he made love to her but frankly he was not minded to. He has an early morning meeting or should he blame it on a headache or tiredness or simply a lack of zeal to do the very monotonous lovemaking that marital sex had become for him.

As his wife enters the bed beside him, he feigns sleep and turns his back to her as usual and his mind wanders again to Arsenal his football club. Why won’t Wenger sign quality players for Christ sake…

He awakens to a not so gentle slap on his cheek. He tries to touch it and finds he is handcuffed to the bedpost with policeman standing over him. He panicks and looks again and sees it is his wife standing over him in police gear. He must be dreaming he thinks and tries to wriggle his hands free to no avail. Both his legs and hands are secured by the handcuff.

“Osanobua! What is this? Oghogho. Mama Osaro. What is this?”He tries to say but finds he is gagged as well. He is at her mercy. “Iyevwe is this how I am going to die?”

Mama Osaro goes to him and slaps him again and pinches his breast. He feels a sharp pain. What has he done to her to deserve this? Does she want to inherit his house? But… oh… she sits astride him and puts her tongue on his nipples and nibbles and licks and bites. He tries to wriggle all to no avail. She is scratching and biting all of his neck and sides of his belly. It is pleasure and pain mixed and then what she has never done before….she is going down and down and he could feel how turgid he had become as she holds his... and puts it in her...what is this? Is she trying to talk to it? It is not a microphone… “Osanobua……Oba Atokpeye…….”

The next morning, he is at the table. Not a word is exchanged between he and his wife. The events of the last night has left him tired and yet befuddled. He still could not make sense of it.

Oghogho: Papa Osaro, I need the money for Osaro’s school fees and uniform. You know he is starting a new class today. You said you’d give me this week

He gets up, gets his chequebook and issues a cheque of the amount, still saying nothing. He grabs his laptop bag and dashes off.

Mama Osaro was watching a Nigerian movie starring Tonto Dike when the door opens and she sees her husband come in with her father and mother. Right behind them is Agbontaen’s father and mother.
Also entering was their pastor and a host of uncles and aunts. Then the village herbalist that was responsible for the “izobos” (sacrifices) at junctions to appease the gods followed. They all took their seats…all avoiding her eyes. Even “Odiokpa” the oldest man of her husband’s family and his wife come in. He is the okaegbe head of family.  Then five minutes later, their family doctor walks in

Mama Osaro: Epa, domo, koyo …what brings you all? What do I offer you

Eghosa: (he was the spokesman at their marriage ceremony and a senior cousin to her husband Agbontaen.) Mama Osaro, sit down, sit down. Do not worry. We have eaten. How is Osaro?

Mama Osaro: He is fine. I just put him to bed.

Eghosa: Good. We will try and not wake him up. How are you? (there is worry in his eyes as he asks this and now everyone looks at her keenly)

Mama Osaro:oruan mwen my inlaws  I am fine. Why, what happened? Is everything okay

Eghosa: That is what we came to find out. Your husband told us all is not right with you so we have gotten the doctor to look at you and make sure that all is alright. You see, this heat in Nigeria is enough to make people go crazy so we said it may not be your fault. It is while someone is still at home that it is best to treat her and not when she has run into the market. Once you enter the market, there is no cure anymore

Mama Osaro: God forbid. Tufia. Osanobua de ba men. I cannot be mad

Eghosa: Ise. That is why we are here. To make sure….

Mama Osaro (To Papa Osaro) Agbons, what did you go and tell them?

Papa Osaro: What did I go and tell them? My wife handcuffs me like I was Lawrence Anini and Monday Osunbor, wore police uniform like she was Iyanmu and you are asking me?

Mama Oghogho: Iyevwe!!! Handcuff? Oghogho, you na policewoman? Wetin you say you want join wey you small, wey we no gree wey make you  go read accounting, na your husband body you for come dey do olokpa?

Papa Osaro: Oghogho tell them everything you did. Tell them

Eghosa: Mama Osaro tell us what happened

Mama Osaro: Agbons, finish the story. You have started it, finish it

Papa Osaro: Mama Osaro. They are talking to you. Tell them.

Mama Osaro: Agbons…..Agbons

Papa Oghogho: My daughter, did you handcuff your husband

Mama Osaro: (unabashedly) YES!!!

(Iyevwe… Oviedo!! Walare. And other exclamations rent the air. Everyone is taken aback)

Papa Osaro: You see! I told you all she is Ogbanje or has run mad. Quick let us take her to the hospital

Papa Oghogho: Oghogho, my daughter, why did you handcuff your husband. What happened

Papa Osaro: let her tell you everything. If I pull my shirt, you will see all where she pinched and bit me. This woman you are seeing here changed into a tiger. I saw her tail. It is by God’s grace I am alive.

Papa Oghogho: My daughter, tell me what happened

Mama Osaro stays silent. Hand crossed across her chest in defiance.

Papa Osaro : Goes into the room and brings the handcuff and police uniform and puts it on the table) That is it. That is what she handcuffed me with and then she….she …she…

Mama Agbontaen: The Oba must hear this. Tell us what she did next. No wonder they said we should fear quiet people. To think she was my choice for you….

Mama Osaro: Ask your son if he enjoyed what I did to him

Eghosa: Iye!!! Enjoy what? You handcuffed him and and..pinched him and almost bit his breast away from his chest and you are saying we should ask him if he enjoyed it? Thank God Uselu Mental home is not far from here. Oya ……. Lets go.

Mama Osaro: (To papa Osaro) Agbons, if you lie, uwa zagha (you will explode and scatter to pieces) Did you enjoy it or not???

Papa Osaro:….(stays silent) em….

Mama Osaro: (reaches for her phone.) I video taped it with my phone. Here, you all can watch it.

Papa Osaro: (he dives at the phone, Mama Osaro refuses to hand it over and a scuffle ensues. Everyone joins the melee as they pull them apart)

Eghosa: Agbontaen. Will you behave yourself? This woman recorded it all. Are you trying to destroy the evidence and exhibit?

Papa Osaro: If you want to watch blue film or porno, go and buy. It is not me and my wife that you will watch

Eghosa: It is not that we want to….em…you see… we all need to watch it so that we can come to a good conclusion. You are truncating this case

Papa Agbontaen: My son, let us watch it to fully understand what went on

Papa Osaro: Nooooooooo……

Mama Osaro: No oh Agbons, you must let them see. Now that what happened between us you have gone to call everyone, let it all come outside.

Papa Agbontaen: What is it my daughter…the one in whose house I am always welcome. My favourite daughter in law, please do not be angry. He did not tell “everyone”. We are family. You are my daughter

mama Osaro: Then let him let me show it to you. Epa, see. I have been in this marriage, have I ever complained to anyone? I have done everything expected of me. Mama Agbontaen here jokingly asks me if I will not give birth to a second child aand if everything is okay. I smile and say it is God that gives children. Is it God that will sleep with me when I am ovulating? My body will be ready, I will not see my husband to sleep with. He is working late or tired or headache…headache that does not worry him when Arsenal is playing. I have bought Panadol Extra and Alagbim and Phensic all to stop headache…no way.

Okay, I would have said he has a low libido or even low testosterone and then I find he is sleeping with this girl whose mother owns the bar he goes to drink.

Papa Osaro: Iye!

Mama Osaro: Iye what? Am I not the one who washes your pants? Don’t I see sperm stains? Don’t I smell the perfume on your shirts? What do you take me for Agbons? ………. You think I am a fool right (turns to thee others) Epa, I have not even brought it up so I do not quarrel in my house. I simply cry to God and put it in prayers. I cry every night as he snores. I have looked at myself in the mirror, has childbirth flattened my breast so much my husband never desires me? When he touches me….1..2…3 he has come. What is it???.....Am I not a human being? Now to that girl. The person who told me about her said she is calabar and so “know work” meaning she can please my husband better than I can. Me…a Bini girl… we that men all over the world desire us from Italy to Holland to America, one Calabar local champion says she “knows work” more than me……
So I decided to show him what he has at home that he is not seeing. I let him know if a woman is keeping herself, it is not for a lack of desire. It is blood in my veins not ice water. So I showed agbons pepper. You people should watch the video. You should see how he was shouting and begging. He says he is Roman Catholic but he spoke in tongues when I wind my waist on top of him.

Papa Osaro:…Emmmm Oghogho please it is enough…

Mama Osaro: What is enough? Tell them how you shouted when you were com….

Papa Osaro….yeh! It is enough!!

Mama Osaro: I will not be hushed anymore. You men do what will make your wives seek pleasure outside. You think because you put a ring on my finger and poured drink on my leg and told me of taboos, that is enough to keep a woman at home and faithful? YOU LIE! Even circumcision is not enough. You like tell a woman “ogun wa gbue” that Ogun will kill her, if she does not find satisfaction at home, if her husband is taking the sperm for the family and giving it to outsiders, he should be ready to hear stories too of his wife. Oh you think we are afraid of divorce?

me I am a Christian. I will never desecrate my home by giving a body I have given to my husband in front of God to another man. NO. But I must get my own in my house. Except you will lock yourself in another room. If you sleep, like Adam, like Samson, I will do things to you as you sleep. If you even lock yourself iin a room, unless you do not eat my food. I will put sleeping pills and I will chain you and collect my own. This time it will be hot candle and all those crazy things I see in the porno on your laptop. All those things you see in those movies, I will show you your wife at home can do all of them.”

Silence….silence….you can hear a pin drop.

Mama Oghogho: Oghogho, child wey dem born with this kind of handcuff style, the pikin no go be armed robber so? The style and time wey man take give woman belle dey matter oh. Your brother wey stuborn for there, na because na hot afternoon your papa rush me that day oh. Naim make him blood dey hot

Doctor Nosakhare: Mama Oghogho. I do not think that is true. Hehehe. The time and type of mating and gymnastics employed has nothing to do with how the child behaves later in life.

Mama Oghogho: Doctor, na you wan tell me wetin I know? You mean say pikin wey papa and mama do small small born and the one wey the papa rough handle the mama go behave the same Na lie. Me, my children, I know how I take conceive each one and how them dey behave and why

Doctor Nosakhare: Em…well,that is worth researching. As to why I was invited, I declare her compos mentis, to borrow a phrase from our brother Obahiagbon. But you see, em…I have to go and see my wife immediately. Emm….if she gets this idea of handcuff, I am afraid she will cuff me and throw away the keys. Please let me go and do my duty. In fact, I think I have some Viagra in my car. (he exits)

Papa Agbontaen: I believe this matter has settled itself. Agbontaen, we have small talk with you privately later

Odiokpa: (Oldest man about 80 years old. Goes to the police uniform and handcuff, looks at it slowly. Looks at his wife) Abieyuwa, will this uniform size you. I want you to try it on later and handcuff me.. I have always wanted to do it with a police woman. It is only nurse we have tried

They all rush to Odiokpa

All: Epa La wowo. Please, we love you

Papa Osaro: Epa please. Let us save for good things not burial epa. If I show you the video, you will know it is by God’s grace I am alive. Lawowo. Please. You people are too old to try this at home

Odiokpa: If I die like that, is it not good death? I then started my heaven from here. Where is the police baton? I want her to have it all

Odiokpa’s wife: Gimme the uniform and handcuff. Who is too old? You think we have been married for fifty years and given birth to eleven children by playing Ludo? Don't worry.  We will do it gently gently, small small.

Thursday, August 1, 2013


 I know toooooo manyyyyyyy excellent sisters some of whom I spent enough years in school with to know they are excellent well-brought up girls and I see many are still single. One or two I can even swear are still virgins sef.... that is how decent I view them. (Me I no know oh. I no do "egg test". Emphasis is on "view")

With all the "I want a decent, Christian/Muslim well-brought up girl as wife" that is uppermost in many bachelors mouth when asked their choice of woman to marry, how come the "decent Christian/Muslim well-brought up girl" is the last to be snapped up by eligible bachelors?

I have taken the pains to enumerate a few reasons that come to me why the good sisters apparently end up being single the longest. Here are a few of them

Some diamonds are so pretty and bright, everyone assumes the diamond is too good for them or too expensive or already taken. Many men disqualify themselves long before the criteria is set, so they never find out if they are good enough or not. Seriously how many brothers have the confidence to approach a beautiful medical doctor driving a 2011 Honda Accord and being "dobale'd" for with "doctor, doctor doctor"  calls following her? How much worse is a lawyer who many already feel that "hmmm that one wey go dey correct person English naim u dey go follow? She go quote "crinkum crankum" and "higi haga" and tell you say your marriage is "floating near the Bermuda triangle" and you no go understand wetin she dey talk?"
Thus with this defeatist stance of potential husbands, the decent doctor/lawyer/engineer/business tycoon single girl drives home to a very lonely cold bed made worse by the air conditioner in her room.

. To function optimally in today's society, people need at an average of 16 years of education (6,3,3,4). If you add years for being a professional or doing masters and doctorate...then even factoring strikes and maybe need to change from microbiology to medicine or Social works to Law or from OND to degree or simply not getting scores high enough first and second time or writing JME, girls are usually aged about 23-32 by the time they are done with school....32!!!! You want to kill Yerima the Senator abi??? 32!!!!
however not only the pedophile Yerima has this coplex of seeking children for marriage....okay not children but young girls between 18 and 24. These men though nearer fifty than thirty believe only little girls will obey them as our culture makes age a yardstick for respect. What they forget is that a 16 years old girl, the the man and her have begun to.. em...to....well... you know... from that minute the respect is halved...quartered and even gone. In fact, these young girls are quicker to say "stupid old man" than a more mature woman who has learnt to value the gift of a husband. But do these men know this? No! So the decent-achiever sister again goes to her bed alone while "bros" railroads the small 19 years old girl to the altar.

 A lack of "menxperience" (experience with men). You start dating at 25, how do you compete with a girl that has known men since 15 and know when they are angry, hungry horny, cheating, etc etc? You are a learner in comparison.

Being decent, there are a few "horizontal" things they may not agree to do. Okay you as a man has had your sexual "coming of age" (pun intended on the "coming") from friends stories and porn including the old DAUDA THE SEXY GUY comics. Then you date a girl that attends REDEEMED and who hears Adeboye say em.... you know....is bad. Now men having a very adventurous nature.....a spirit which has made us conquer everest, the moon and space, wants to experience those things he "mistakenly" read and watched and his "serious born again girl" hesitates to give him and thence comes the :strange women"....well not strange but experienced and Brother Olugbenga is shown "Heaven" now- now-now-now here on earth and not the one Pastor has been preaching about.... and there goes "heartbreak of Sister Angela

 Simply because they are faithful, they expect the greatest level of faithfulness from their men....well men....that disappointing creature that has exasperated God since Adam through David and Solomon.... men. So the first straying by the man...straying that may have been caused by sexual frustration and heaviness of the cross (Cool down, the Cross is heavy. Jesus sef fall. Na Simon of Cyrene help am carry small  not to talk of ordnary man. We must fall na abi?) they hold it against the men so much and they actually call it off. Brother Cosmos begs for a while but indeed moves on "I done tire for the holy-holy sef" he says.

Now Sister "SELLina" sorry Celina, knows she sef has her "kurukere waka" which brother Cosmos knows nothing about. She will rant and rave and collect the begging sharply from Brother Cosmos knowing "she no holy pass". So at the end Brother Cosmos the "faller" marries selling Celina who even gave her other boyfriend one hot goodbye....em....em...a week to the wedding with Brother Cosmos.

 Sister Pristine is like a Ferrari, she never advertises. SHOWla sorry Shola on the other hand is like Toyota and will advertise endlessly. In fact, she will do promo. She will push the twins on her chest out... so out that Brother Seekiru sorry Sikiru will See(kiru) and "as far as the eyes can see, he reaches out and....

7. NOT REACHING OUT....not venturing.

Sister Ruth will "wait on the lord" for her Boaz. However since God does not put a sticker on any man saying "MARRY THIS ONE. HE IS THE GOOD ONE" many good ones pass Sister Ruth by even as Gabriel is shouting GIVE HIM A CHANCE OHHHHH! HE WILL STOP SMOKING. (as my dad did) LOOK PAST THE BENSON AND SOON YOU WILL BORN BEN a SON.

SISTER RUTHLESS on the other hand will take study a guy....warts and all and if she sees certain character traits she can work with. She will then give this "ozige guy" a shot and look beyond some annoying traits and funnily, with her own Mary Magdalene-type crying-on-Jesus-leg-use-hair-to-wash-Jesus-feet-BRIBE, her confra-smoker-partier man will just suddenly realize that he is getting older and start with Christ Embassy and "guy-guy" churching will get serious and he is using the same fervour with which he partied to serve God. There is a picture of one badooo bros back then carrying his little daughter with a clothe on his back like a village woman and wife posing with a hand on his shoulder on his profile picture. I remember shouting "shooo....na u use wraper tie pikin for your back so guy?" and his reply to me was "Ena, hope you done repent oh... Jesus na the way oh. My wife (then just wooing her)  invite me come church, I go remove am come outside, na there God capture me oh"


 Life is not fair. Even the Bible says "The first shall become the last." The prodigal son spent half of his father's wealth, came back and they did party for him while the Good Son was not even eating meat sef but so so sardine and crayfish.


Look around you, many of those marriages that happened so quickly have broken up. It has been fraught with pain and anguish. Maybe God is indeed preparing a  special man for the decent sister, allowing him to mature and put away his childish hurtful ways.  He says in Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope"
Also remember the whole biological clock thing has become a myth. 55 year old women are giving birth to twins and triplets. Yes oh, how dem dey talk am? Delay is no denial.

Monday, July 22, 2013


The legend himself enters from yet another gruelling day. He is led by the driver Kunle into the expansive sitting room and I take him by the hand and try to take him inside to first change his diapers which he wears discreetly underneath his clothes to avoid urinary accident from a bladder weakened by age and not a few bottles of rum

WOLE SOYINKA (WS) :I want to rest. Let me sit down

ENA OFUGARA : Yes sir.

(I lead him to his favourite chair in front of the television. Beside the chair are newspaper cuttings of the day he got the Nobel Prize for Literature. He picks up the newspaper gingerly as he always does)

WS: I am the Nobel Laureate. I won it fair and square. Not Chinua Achebe, Not Chinua Achebe. Me, Akinwande Oluwole Soyinka, I am the Nobel Laureate.

ENA OFUGARA: You are sir.

(I take off his shoes and socks which as is usual emits a stench as with all human feet having worn shoes for a long time and I smile thinking to myself how the Nobel Prize does not reduce the smell of a man's stockings

WS: They are all jealous of me...Leopold Sedar Senghor especially. Who is he? I am the Nobel Laureate not he. Is it because Nigerians are stupid and did not elect me their president like Senegal did Leopold? Imagine he ruled them for 20 years and I have not even ruled my local government. Is it not the same poems we both write? Am I not a better poet eh...what is your name?

ENA OFUGARA: Ena sir, Ena Ofugara sir

WS: Am I not a better poet?

ENA OFUGARA: (Thinks of TELEPHONE CONVERSATION and ABIKU by Wole and then of PRAYER OF THE MASKS wherein was written
 "In your own image...hear me!
Here dies the Africa of Empires - it is the agony of a ruined
And of Europe to whose navel we are bound.

and also
`Have you not felt the force of my loins, the power of my muscular
I know winter will be illuminated by a long soring day:
That the smell of Earth will intoxicate more than the perfume of
And she will offer firm breasts to tremble under the Conqueror's
   caress;'     by Sedar Senghor and since I was no saint and I am paid to make him feel good I replied)

You sir.  You are the best sir

WS: Then why is he regarded as the best poet from Africa?  Why is his Negritude the greatest intellectual movement from Africa? Answer me young man...

ENA OFUGARA...eh....

WS: Why will Senegalese people vote him as president and he rule them for over twenty years? He spent two years in jail, I spent two years in jail. Is it because his was by Germans during World War 2 and he was bold to shout "Vive Le France Vive Le Africa" even with German guns trained on him? Is it because even after then he continued to be part of the French resistance...after being a prisoner of war? I could have joined the army. I could have.

ENA OFUGARA: Yes you could sir

WS: No. They will beat me too much. I do not have the discipline. I am born to be boss always. I cannot brook competition nor take command.

ENA OFUGARA: No you cannot sir

WS: (Angrily) Are you mad? Are you surreptitiously insinuating that I am not good enough for the army?

ENA OFUGARA: You are sir. More than good enough.

WS: Negritude my foot. Do you know Leopold used voodoo?


WS: He does. Someone wanted to shoot him. The perfectly good pistol did not fire. You do not know these francophone Africans. They like juju. It is why I am Ogun worshipper. You need voodoo to write well and survive.

ENA OFUGARA: well...

WS: Well nothing. I am telling you, to succeed you need juju. Do you know how many times I have escaped with juju? I just disappear, dematerialize. Ask Al-Mustapha. I was seeing him, he was not seeing me when Abacha sent him and Rogers to kill me. I was a spirit standing with Ogun looking at them. They say I used a bike to escape. Iro...it is a lie. Ogun took me on his wings and we flew away from Nigeria.

ENA OFUGARA....Indeed sir

 (having taken of his shoes and shirt and having changed his diapers, I slide him into a comfortable nightdress and give him a warm glass of milk.)

WS: Chinua Achebe. He ought to be in jail..jail...jail....

ENA OFUGARA: em...he is dead sir

WS: Jail I said. What did he mean by THINGS FALL APART? That is treason. Chinua Achebe is guilty of treasonable felony. He always wanted Nigeria to break up. It is why he wrote THINGS FALL APART.

ENA OFUGARA. But sir, that was written many years before the civil war sir...published two years before Independence so it could have been written many years before

WS: And so? Does that make him the father of African Literature? Okay, so I cannot write a novel so??? I am the Nobel Leaureate. I have the award right there on that wall see! These Ibos think they can tell a story don't they? Chukwuemeka Ike and his Toads For Supper and Potters Wheel. So what if he is even more humorous than me... young man, is he more humorous than me?


WS: Chukwuemeka Ike.

ENA OFUGARA: (I think of Soyinka's attempt at humour with Lakunle's half-baked grandiloquent English....a mainstay of comedy and too cliched and I think of Chukwuemeka Potters Wheel and how the protagonist's guardian used to sign his signature on sliced yam so nobody can cut from it and I smile to myself. I dare not tell him that POTTER'S WHEEL is the funniest book ever written by a Nigerian. NO. The Prof thinks himself very humorous and I must humour him) Sir, Brother Jero had a very funny trial sir.

WS: What trial?

ENA OFUGARA: Trials of brother Jero.

WS: Did he have a trial?

ENA OFUGARA: Sir, come to the room sir. Maybe you need to sleep sir.

WS: You think I do not know my books are unreadable by the masses? You are the masses. I see it your eyes. You do not have the intelligence to grasp my meanings?

ENA OFUGARA: Exactly sir. I am the masses sir. I do not sir

WS: So you mean you have never read what I wrote?

ENA OFUGARA: I have sir. We were force...sorry made to sir. As texts for JSS 3.

WS: Which book?

ENA OFUGARA: Lion and the Jewel Sir, then in the University, trials of Brother Jero sir

WS: They call me KONGI and everytime I ask anyone about KONGI, none can tell me who he is. That is a great play. It was even made into a movie in New York. You see when he told his officers to wear trraditional African dresses as uniform....

ENA OFUGARA em...y..yes...yes

WS (stops and asks looking at me for the first time) what happened after that?

ENA OFUGARA em....em...

WS: You hippopotamus and Manatee from the Niger Delta. You Papy wata. So you have not read KONGI's HARVEST?

ENA OFUGARA...No sir. I am sorry sir

WOLE SOYINKA:  Sorry? That is preposterous. You are nothing but a harebrained, rattlebrained, scatterbrained, nincompoop

ENA OFUGARA. Yes sir, It is even written like that on my birth certificate as my description sir.

WS: (Pauses. Speaks slowly. I almost feel sorry for him) So you haven't read KONGI's HARVEST?


WS: Ake...


WS: THE BEATIFICATION OF THE AREA BOY.... You must have read that because you look like one

ENA OFUGARA: No sir I have not sir

WS: (pleadingly) KING BAABU?

ENA OFUGARA: King who sir?


ENA OFUGARA: No sir. My shift ends by 9 a.m sir. I cannot set forth before then

WS: You moronic, fatuous, imbecilic, inane retard. SET FORTH AT DAWN is a book I wrote.

ENA OFUGARA I am sorry sir.

WS. You cannot have read ISARA

ENA OFUGARA: Akara? I have eaten it I say as I put his food before him which he does not even acknowledge)
WS:  How old are you? So you haven't read OPEN SORE OF A CONTINENT or the sequel THE BURDEN OF MEMORY, MUSE OF FORGIVENESS? These are books as late as 2012
ENA OFUGARA: I will try sir

WS: I hate you. I hate all of you illiterates just like the First Lady Patience Janathan. You are all illiterates.

ENA OFUGARA: I can read sir and she can read as well. that is literate NO?

WS: She is a shepopotamus. She is a... hmmmm. They say because I insulted her, I am a misogynist. Let them prove it. You prove it

ENA OFUGARA: Nobody can sir, after all you have had three women as wife. Nobody who hates women will marry so many sir

WS: Good boy! They say because I called my mother "a wild Christian" so what if I call her wild? Does that mean I hate her? Don't you call your mother wild?


WS: And because I turned my back on her religion. How many people follow their mother's religion?

ENA OFUGARA: 99 percent of people sir

WS: So that makes me a misogynist? That I must have hated my mother deep down?

ENA OFUGARA: You tell me sir.

WS: So it is because of her that I formed a group that did not include women PYRATES? Don't you know that pirates of old believed that with women on board a ship it is bad luck?


WS: Yes. Women are bad luck. I have had my share of them. I KNOW

ENA OFUGARA: oh wow...

WS: They are mere domestic appendages. It is why they cannot be PYRATES and when I formed the Federal Road Safety Commision, I reduced their membership to the barest minimum


WS: Yes! Can you imagine me, Nobel Laureate waiting while the First Lady's motorcade passed through a street in Port Harcourt. Imagine that

ENA OFUGARA: When Michelle Obama the First Lady passes a street in the US, they also block traffic for her sir

WS: Rubbish Rubbish Rubbish. Only men should have sirens

ENA OFUGARA: And when a woman becomes president of the US like Hilary Clinton, should she have sirens and should roads be blocked for her?

WS: You are a fool young man a foooool. a dim-witted ludicruous fool.

ENA OFUGARA: yes sir

WS: Look at my works, when have I made a woman lead character? Are they not included as tools of erection as in Trials of Brother Jero and Lion and The Jewel? In Kongi, did I not make a slut of a woman who slept with two opposing men? Do not I make a woman always between two men as reason for a fight?

ENA OFUGARA: Is that what you are doing with Amaechi and GEJ Nigeria's president?

WS: There is hope for your cerebrum as yet young man, hope! It is always about the women...every crisis. It was Miriam Babangida that made them remove Ukiwe. I also fought Yar"Adua's wife for GEJ to enter. Women are trouble-makers...domestic appendages to be called to order. ordaz is ordaz.

ENA OFUGARA: I hear you sir.

WS: So when I call her shepopotamus, she should be glad a Nobel Laureate is calling her that.

ENA OFUGARA: I am sure she is very happy sir. Her husband too

WS..eh...her husband...iliterate marryer.... eh..em...em

ENA OFUGARA: What sir (I lead him to the bedroom and lay him under the covers.)

WS: I have a young wife like Ojukwu did. Ojukwu made sure the president GEJ took care of Bianca so she knows not hunger. Do you think GEJ will take care of my wife after I am gone?

ENA OFUGARA: You just called his wife a shepopotamus.

WS: ahhh Muse of Forgiveness. Amaechi has to be president or vice. He will take care of them for me. He will make her an ambassador too. He takes care of me through the Book Fairs. He will take care of my famly when I am gone.

ENA OFUGARA: If he wins sir. The incumbent looks set to retain his position sir. He is closing his ranks and settling with OBJ and Babangida and all others.

WS:Haaaa. I have to insult him and his wife some more then. she is a ...a....

(he doses off for a bit and stirs) Chinua Achebe...Chinua Achebe..You have read all his books haven't you?


WS: How does he do it? Be so readable? Everywhere I go it is THERE WAS A COUNTRY. Nobody talks about my books

ENA OFUGARA: Sorry sir

WS: I am more popular abroad than in my own country

ENA OFUGARA: You are popular here too as Chinua is popular abroad.

WS: Chinua is not the Father of African Literature. He is not. I am the Nobel laureate....I am...I beat Chinua ...I won...I won..... Chinua Achebe, Patience, Patience Patience, Chinua..... (he dozes off with the names of 

Patience and Chinua Achebe on his lips)

ENA OFUGARA (And I add the final blanket over him as he falls asleep and I say a prayer for this LEGEND) As he lays down to sleep, I pray you Lord, the soul of the "great one, the top dog to keep"

The phone on his mantelpiece rings and as I rush to stop the ringing, I find I awake to my phone alarm ringing. I realize only then that I was only dreaming. The whole Soyinka/PGEJ imbroglio was getting to me. I must detox.