Monday, January 7, 2013

ARE THERE NO BARREN MEN?...REALLY??; The adoption option BY ENA OFUGARA

ARE THERE NO BARREN MEN?...REALLY?? 

Have you ever heard the words "barren" and "man" used together? Like "Barren man"  I believe I have heard "walk" and "fish", "fly" and "elephant" " Catholic priest and wife" "ugly" and "peacock" used together more often than "barren" and "man".

If a woman and a man have no child after ten years of marriage, who faces the scorn? who is barren?

From Biblical times, barrenness has always been the fault of the woman. Abraham did not bring a man to try Sarah if it was his fault. It was Sarah that brought Hagai and true to type, Abraham got her pregnant. If I remember my Bible correctly, same thing happened to Jacob/Israel and he impregnated a few handmaidens before the original wives bore theirs.

Also note that it was Hannah, Samuel's mother that went to the Synagogue and prayed on her own enough for prophet Eli to notice her. Her husband was never mentioned nor did he come to pray for a child. Thus we can assume he is healthy and his sperm are marching soldiers but not Hannah's eggs. Hannah knew it was up to her to do something.

I have always found it somewhat disturbing when in Nigerian movies the ever ubiquitous mother-in-law comes to her son's house and starts attempting to drive out the woman. In my mind I want to ask her "madam, how do you know it is not your son's fault?"

Seriously haven't we all praised men whose wives have not given birth and yet the man continues to treat her nice and hasn't fathered a child outside? Do not we say how patient he is and what a good man and an example to other men he is? Do we ever stop to think it maybe....just maybe his fault?

How men have been able to pass this buck is our greatest achievement ever. To be able to keep ourselves guilt-free and blameless in the lack of or delayed ability to procreate, is again,our greatest achievement....greater than Armstrong walking on the moon.

Seriously, how are we able to, when half of all medications by Hausa native drug sellers are penis related including Burantashi.  For Yorubas, jedijedi, okpeyin etc are advertized for being good for erection. In Ibo "egbe amu".  For Urhobos, obukuyeke and other undecipherable roots in ogogoro (our local gin) for Nigerian young men, kasaprenko, kparaga,  alomo-bitters,  tombo, dakar, shekpe. In fact such hiphop icons like Durella, Terry G and Ill Bliss have made songs about these penis-raising drinks. Did I mention banana and groundnut downed with small stout? One thing is for sure is if you go close to any roadside seller of drugs, those people who hire van and loud speakers to sell in Ring Road Benin and all such places, the major thing you will hear is "if you carry woman your thing begin look am likesay she be your sister, your John Thomas no gree get up, or if you dey do quick quick like Indomie...just na just na you done do finish and the woman go dey look you with vex. This medicine na for you. As a man, you need to dey do for  loooong like who dey boil banga or cook beans for stove wey kerosine done finish. You must not be Mr Indomie. If you want be like that, come and buy MAN POWER"!!!

Now even with a humongous erection, there is no guarantee that the man is fertile, that is, you may be able to go twelve rounds like a heavyweight boxing match yet the sperm in the drumload of semen are weak and dead or just can't swim.

Thus even with two ways which a man can be barren which are that he cannot achieve an erection and secondly that he can achieve one yet his sperm count is too low to impregnate a woman,  a man is never blamed for a lack of childbirth. Really?

So what is the male strategy and what happens usually? Men, once their wives have failed to give birth within the 5 years "grace period",  the man goes outside and a girlfriend gets pregnant for him. She even bears him a son and he is suddenly the happiest man on earth. REALLY?

Now notice that there is no guarantee of exclusivity with this girlfriend cum baby mama. She probably... has her regular virile youthful boyfriend who is unready for marriage on the side. This outside girlfriend gets pregnant and this man assumes the child is his. It matters not that she has first secretly offered the pregnancy to that jobless virile youth who told her to get an abortion or get lost. It also matters not that the girl's scheming mother has calculated the immense financial benefit that would accrue to her impoverished family if her daughter could bear Chief a son especially since his wife has no baby. And such children when born immediately looks like the mother and not the virile boyfriend. Maybe by accident or wishful thinking, everyone says "ha papa bornboy, the pikin get your ear and nose" and another says "na your eye the pikin get" and yet another. "HA this ikin na your great great great grand papa carbon copy. And everyone starts convincing themselves just how much the baby looks like the man.

And thus it is proven beyond reasonable doubt that the wife at home is barren. She must have done abortions that ruined her womb. Her mother is a witch that locked her womb. Or like that wife of David in the Bible, she may have offended God and so God must have closed her womb.

There is not much reliable data on percentage of men with erectile dysfunction and or low sperm count in Nigeria. But most studies put it at ten percent of Nigerian men.

Studies usually exagerate so let us put it at 1 percent which means that of every 100 men that walk past you, at least one is infertile...and this is very conservative.
"In Sweden, approximately 10% of couples wanting children are infertile.[12] In approximately one third of these cases the man is the factor, in one third the woman is the factor, and in the remaining third the infertility is a product of factors on both parts".

So if out of every 100 men at least 1 is not fertile, how come "there are no barren men? REALLY?? You must know at least five thousand men, which do you know is barren? I do not know any man like that.

What this means is that many a man are not the biological father of his children. I shared a video on my facebook profile that showed a lady in warri being slept with screaming "power, enter" as a young man made love to her. Those who know the story says she went to meet the prophet of God who has a reputation for making barren women have children. With the leakage of that video, I am sure more women....especially the one that recommended the prophet to that woman, got outed.

What we must ask is among a culture and religion that frowns harshly  upon  a woman who has sex with anyone but her husband, what could pressure women into doing anything possible to get a child? Is this done with the man's knowledge? (some say YES in some cases)

Many a brother have been told to sleep with their sister so as to get her pregnant as the baby will look just like her since he and his sister are related. Also many a brother have been told to sleep with their brother's wife to be able to make a baby. The woman sometimes ties her eyes and acts like she does not know with whom she is sleeping so as to avoid curses and taboos (Nigerians must find a loophole or make one)

So between women sneaking out to sleep with other men, sleeping with their brother, sleeping with their husband's brother etc, you find exactly why there are no "barren men."

Now considering the very Christian, muslim or African religion and cultural background we  have, can you imagine the guilt-trip this humongous secret has on the soul? To go about partying saying your husband got you pregnant when he didnt. To preach in church knowing that everyday your life is a lie. Can anyone imagine the strain for anyone with a conscience?

Okay, we now have IVF's but to have this, it means both the man and the woman have agreed to seek medical help and accept that they do have a problem. HOW MANY MEN AGREE? A lot of men without babies would rather go for HIV screening in the village square than go and have their sperm and phallous examined. And why would they? Are they not given the benefit of the doubt? Will not one small unfaithful girl bring home a child for them and so they can say it is theirs? Is not the woman left to her own devices which then includes visits to the prophet and "omerome" (it is sweet) "enter" "enter" "power" "power" (the words the "fertility prophet" made her repeat.)

Now here is the difficult part and usually it takes bold men as Nosa Ogbeifun showed in reaction to my piece on the girlchild....bold men that would protect their wife and not just their ego. Bold men that would go with their wives to a fertility doctor. Bold men that will not care if the fault is hers or his. Good men that would tell her not to cry if it is hers or assure her that they are in this together if it is his. Men of faith that will believe they should try IVF or believe in God, but before then GO AND ADOPT A CHILD.

Yes adopt a child.  How we are able to copy stupid foreign cultures like their eyelashes, weave-ons, G-string/thongs, tattoos, high-heels. saying of "hi" to an elder instead of "goodmorning" which is such a beautiful wish to start a day etc but the very culture that we can copy that would bring us joy, we will refuse to.

I went to the MacDonald at PG MALL here in maryland and I a caucasian (oyibo) couple with three children. One was black one was chinese and the third hispanic and the rowdy laughing kids kept saying "mom" "dad". I was like is this the United Nations or something.

Yes girls can copy Angelina Jolie's split skirt that ran up almost to her panties (well the legs are glorious arent they?) and they can fantasize about her handsome husband Brad Pitt. They will copy their wedding cake and dress design, but when it comes to the singular most important thing Brad and Angelina have ever done ADOPTING CHILDREN EVEN BEFORE MAKING THEIRS, nobody is copying that. Nobody is copying Madonna or the million of everyday Americans. But if it is to buy MaryKay or Obsession by Beyonce, they can copy that.

Adoption is a fantastic way to make a family. It is superior to having a brother sleep with one's wife or the woman going to conceive the baby in sin. It usually does open God's windows of blessing  on one's family and many a woman has given testimony of how after they took another person's child in, God opened her womb.

World over, women who adopt are treated as the new mothers they are. Baby showers are held for them (party for expected mothers wherein people buy her and the baby gifts) Workplace gives them maternity leave. The would-be father beams with pride as he is congratulated. It matters not that it is not his scrotum the baby came from. Now a lot of these people are actually atheists who do not believe in God yet show more God's love than many Christians. I am telling you that the church here goes agog when a woman announces that her approved baby is arriving the next week. She is treated like a new mother, with love and fellowship.

Now Nigeria...hmmmmmm. The ones who populate the churches, mosques are the very ones that will say "no be her/him baby. dem no fit born na." They are the very ones whose tongues cut the deepest.

The folly of this is that both the Christian and Muslim religions are based on men and women who took care of people who were not their biological children.

Prophet Mohammed is said to have lost his father perhaps before he was one year old. He was raised by others and with love.

Moses, who liberated the Israelites was himself found on the Nile and raised by an Egyptian princess and Pharoah treated him like the son he is.

Then Jesus. Without Joseph's adoption, Jesus would not be from the House of David. The fact that the Bible considers Jesus as from the house of david even though he has no blood connection to King David is the clearest endorsement of adoption as equal to biologically bearing the baby.

Thus  everybody who has insulted a woman as barren, may God forgive you. But remember how easily God can make the very children who you are so proud of to be a source of pain to you that you will regret ever giving birth. Your being fertile is not your making. God took mercy on you and blessed you so why make another woman's life hard?

Children are a heritage of the Lord

As to those who are honourable enough to adopt, either from a home or from a hapless girl who would have aborted the pregnancy or thrown the baby in latrine toilet as was the case when i was young, to all those couple who have opened their doors and hearts to such children, may they bring you joy even at old age as no biological son or daughter could have.

And should they say "no mind the man and the woman. No be them born those children. The woman is not their BIOLOGICAL mother" remember that BIOLOGY is just one course. You are MATHEMATICALLY, SOCIOLOGICALLY, ECONOMICALLY, HISTORICALLY, PHYSICALLY, GEOGRAPHICALLY, AGRICULTURALLY, COMMERCIALLY, and  LITERALLY and even ENGLISHlically their father and mother. Studies have shown that there isn't a tighter bond between a biological mother and one that isn't. I know we all glorify breastmilk that it brings children closer to their mothers but there is no proof of this as biological mothers and children can be mortal enemies...breastmilk or not. What has bonded people together over time has been knowing the other person loves you.

Yes an adopted child will bring you joy even in your old age as much as your biological children.

LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS.