Saturday, May 12, 2012


Steve Harvey, an orignal King of Comedys' book ACT LIKE A WOMAN, THINK LIKE A MAN was number one for over 8 weeks but like most of the world, my poor book-reading habit has not allowed me read this book. Thus when SCREEN GEMS commissioned the book and decided to make a movie of it and recruited current funniest man on the planet, Kevin hart; the-ever-present-in-a-good-negro-movie Gabriella Union; the sexy sexy pretty pretty Meagan Good; the excellent actress and I-am-sexy-enough-to-wear-just-diamonds-as-clothing-while-posing-for-AllureMagazine (I keep re-reading the mag just to see her eyes and not her sexy exposed body I swear. LMAO) Taraji P Henson; the I-can-still-be-cast-as-a-highschool-girl-though-I-am-over-30yrs-Regina Hall and an assemblage of really fine brothers including Michael Ealy (love his hair) Terrence J (this fine brother was homeless and broke. there's a God right?), and the multi talented rapper-producer-baldhead-actor Romany Malco; and Jerry Ferrara (he turned his beer-belly from flab to fab abs so there's hope for us. lol), and of course the I-almost-ruined-my-career-for-being-stupid-enough-to-beat-Rihanna-but-I-have-learnt-my-lesson-now-and-know-to-punch-the-wall-next-time-even-if-my-fingers-break Chris Brown, there was no way I would not be there for the premier and i was. Did i regret it. Noooooo. It may not be high-grossing like The Avengers or The Hunger Games, but you would leave the theatre more educated and love and relationship savvy than any movie perhaps ever.
I hate to give the whole movie away as that may spoil the fun you definitely would have watching for yourself, (If you haven't already) yet the lessons derived forces me to at least discuss a few of the themes and scenarios and the lesson my Naija sisters can glean

I am going to make a few assumptions, chief of which is that my Nigerian sisters would love to be married, and married to a man (Steve Harvey unlike Obama does not factor Lesbian marriages and I am sure neither would majority of my Nigerian readers). It is on that presumption that I would proceed.  For those who are totally over the whole marriage thingy, you can stop reading now...or just be a movie buff and see this as merely Ena Ofugara's review of a great movie.

Principally, the movie discusses ways women end up not finding, or finding but not being able to keep the right man. Gabriel Union's character is dating a whiteboy (jerry Ferrara's Character, Jeremy) who refuses to commit. they are living together but his place is still reminiscent of  I-am-still-a-highschool boy or at best a bachellor's pad.  Steve Harvey, while reviewing the book on a TV show says of such relationships "he hasn't commited because you have not required him to".  Seriously, as a man, you have the woman of your dreams living in same house, cooking, cleaning, dancing, laughing and sleeping with you, why would you need to marry her? What new thing would the marriage add? Why spoil a good thing?  A lot of women already have a baby or two or even three and the man is already regarded as a responsible married man by the society with question posed to himlike "How you wife?"to which he answers "Fine". His subconscious is satisfied. Tell me how he will bother to go ring-shopping and plan a wedding when all what that action would guarantee him, he already has? How Gabriella's character, (Kristen) handled it is perhaps best watched and copied with wisdom. 
even if you aren't cohabiting, you have been dating this dude for a year, two three, five, eight, COMMON!!! If he won't sh#t, what is he doing in the toilet? My dad always says "If a road does not lead to your destination, no matter how far you have gone down that road, you must turn back and though it is never too late, the earlier the better"
So if you have dated for a bit and it does not seem to be heading anywhere, you and your man need to have a sitdown. He must tell you his plans for you with set dates and deadlines.

Regina Hall's own character (Candace) battles the major issue of family interference...yes you are right...the man's (Terrence Jenkins's Character's) mother. The truth is that a man would almost always love his mother. We sometimes want to say to the woman in our lives "You dey craze? Where you dey when she dey nappy me, dey breastfeed me, dey sell her cloth to fit send me go school? Na my mama you hear?????" A recently married friend of mine simply did not marry his long-time girl because she never got along with his only elder sister (or anybody else for tht matter really) who practically doubled as his mom. Most often a little wisdom and butt-licking and perseverance by the would-be wife solves this problem. However some men are definitely mama's boy. No woman wants to share her man with another woman...even if she is his mom. Now when the woman gets relegated to second fiddle, it gets totally unbearable. How Regina's character went about solving it is best observed and applied with wisdom. Borrowing her example will be to make him choose (not usually a good idea) However, to cruelly put it, be patient. Nobody lives forever right? LMAO

Meagan Good's character battles the fact that she is so beautiful, everyman wants a piece of her. And as we find with a lot of the prettiest women including former beauty queens, men want a piece and not the whole cake. Chris Brown's playboy character had his "piece" of her and he didn't even remember her name.  Meagan Good's character (Mya) like all the other women, borrowing copiously from the book, decides to exercise restraint and make men respect her and treat her right. Enter Romany Malco character (zeke), the player. She makes him open doors for her to his consternation (You would laugh out loud at how the screen-writers Keith Merryman and David A. Newman and director Tim Story treated it and in fact everything else). She decided to make him wait 90 days before sleeping with him and one of the strategy to stop her from giving in is to wear the worst underwear ever. I have always joked that a woman's lingerie collection is an indication of how often she wants to be seen in them (Didn't the Good Lord Jesus say "You don't light a light and keep it under the bushel?) lol.  This is a strategy you might want to try out. In fact it might not avail you much in Nigeria because you may want to make use of the fact that NEPA has struck and with the power outage, give it to the smooth brother anyway. lol. 

In all of this, remember the women are following the advice of Steve Harvey as encapsulated in the book "Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man.". When a man gives a woman advice on how to get a man, you best harken, just as a man should when a lesbian teaches him cunnillingus. The above good advice takes a twist when the boys intercept the playbook...and act exactly as the women want and Meagan Good gives up the "candy jar" even before the 90 days elapses.

How it is resolved you should watch the movie to find out as I still don't want to give away tooooo much as i already have but.

For the umarried sisters who read to this point, the reward is perhaps the most controversial yet most helpful of the scenarios. This was my whole article but i decided to subsume it hereunder. With a sister earning majorly and is doing so well, what kind of man should she date? Should water seek its level? Should birds of same feather f#ck together, sorry flock together? (The computer is bad hence the typo. lol) When Taraji P Henson's character (Lauren) who is a top exec and really high earner meets Michael Ealy's character, (Dominic) it had been established that she can never date a broke brother. So when she sees Dominic cruising in a posh car, she assumes it is his and is excited at meeting such a rich brother. The lovemaking is pleasant and incessant (well I hear broke brothers are perfect at lovemaking. They have no erection-hampering thoughts of stocks plummeting or millions tied up. Some kind of ballancing by God or some universal powers I guess. lol) Unbeknownst to her, Dominic is but a valet who was asked to go park the car and went on a frolic of his own driving the car to woo her.
Not to give the movie away too much (haha. like i haven't already) the question it poses to the Nigerian woman is direct; Should you date a broke brother? Like Ludacris the rapper, I ask "How low can you go?" (Okay he was talking about  a raunchy dance step)

I am struggling to understand women and their gender equality battlecry. The society has heard your cries and now you are presidents of countries even in backward Africa. You are heads of corporations etc yet you want a man to take you to dinner and buy you diamonds. This is totally eating your cake and wanting it.  Your complaints of a steady decrease in brothers who have good jobs and that can "be the man" and cater for you has gone on long enough. COMMON!!! You have our jobs. Recent statistics show women are preferred to men in employment. Many departments in universities are graduating far more female graduates than males. While the men struggle to find the money to pay for university education, some of the women conveniently find a sugar daddy or six  that pick up the bill. For whatever reasons you women have the jobs. You have edged out a comparable amount of the men in university admissions and jobs so why do you still act like everything was the way it was in the early sixties and seventies? Why do you still expect that because your father brought home the larger chunk of the bacon, your man has to? On the balance of today's reality, is that logical to expect?

The very words of the book must now be fully absorbed "ACT LIKE A LADY..." Okay, you are boss lady, but have you lost your feminine sweetness and understanding inherent in a woman? Nothing turns a man off than Bosslady that throws it in your face. No one asks that Bosslady not get subordinates to do their job. Nobody says she should not hire and fire but must she be totally unapproachable...especially to that handsome perhaps younger subordinate checking her out and digging her seriously? How is Bossman with the subordinates...especially that hot secretary? does he not say, "do not call me sir, call me Aijay especially when no one is around". Why cannot women ACT LIKE A MAN in this regard? Why do they feel they will be underrated and disobeyed if they do not act like Margaret thatcher? Women must copy how that boss they really like treated and or treats them and must copy it pronto and ACT LIKE A bossMAN as more and more women become bosses.

Why do Nigerian women want to be called "aunty" or "sister" and demand so much respect from their juniors? Why do they dress their age and act their age? I have a friend I am six months older than. I dress in jeans and shorts and as snazzy as i can. He wears "pence and long sleeves" (trousers and corporate shirts) he is usually surprised when younger people girls and boys find it easy to laugh and gist with me and when I am able to pass as someone not yet thirty while they call him "sir' ''ose" etc. He sees the disadvantage when he tries to flirt with much younger girls. Many men follow this strategy. They hang around younger people and feed off their energy. Women term it a midlife crisis. Why can't Nigerian women THINK LIKE A MAN and have a midlife crises at 33-50 especially if unmarried and dress sexy and attractively and invitingly? Why do single Nigerian women wear a wedding ring just to prove they are married and "be respected"? Can you hide the fact you are unmarried? Why hide it? What is the law of triage? Is it not the visibly bleeding patient that is attended to first? Why can't you put it out there that you want a man? Why the pride? Whom are you deceiving? COMMON!!! Go ahead and ACT LIKE A MAN. Tell those young girls that call you "aunty" "sister" "madam" etc to stop and have them call you your name.... and while at it, check out some of the men that come looking for is what the men do. We get younger guys around us and by that are introduced to their age group girls with desired outcomes.

Following from the above, so what if he is younger? You watched "How Stella Got her Groove Back" by  Whoopi Goldberg and saw as Angella Bassette got herself some solid younger lover in Taye Diggs yet you glean no lessons. Do men care if she is younger? Why cannot you THINK LIKE A MAN and not care too?

Okay, the man knows he now has a beer-belly and going bald and he is seeing this good-looking young guy hanging around the girl of his desire. What does he do? He plays to his He gets her a blackberry phone. He pays her fees and makes her dependent on him. Does he bother that he is "buying her love"?. No! He flaunts his wealth. He even exagerates it. However my sisters doing good are still single because they refuse to THINK LIKE A MAN and use what they have to get what they want. How many women refuse to move out of their parent's houses or buy that car they love. I say THINK LIKE A MAN and get a fab crib and a nice car. That sweet boy at work or at church or that you grew up with, drive to him if he is scared of approaching you, smile at him, get him in the car, take him to the movies, pay for the movies...or if u want to ACT LIKE A LADY, put the money in his pocket and get him to pay. Take him home and have dinner. If he is leaving, stick money in his pocket. The truth is that gratitude helps germinate love. As a girl, how many times have you let a man you did not like at first sleep with you because he spent so much and he was "so nice" and before you know it, you are in love with him and missing him and not just his money? Why then cannot you THINK LIKE that MAN and woo the object of your desire as he did you?

 Look at your job, your position, your earnings, your expectations.  My sisters, the female today is as much a man but with a vagina. Yes you still ended up probably leaving that man that spent so much. Yes. It is the way of life. there are no hard and fast rules. God, Luck etc plays a big role but you are ahead of the woman who did not try. the man you left repeated that strategy and succeeded. I know you are seeing his pictures with his wife and kids now and you feel a tinge of jealousy, it is because he did not stop when his money and care and sex and all could not hold you. He cried and started again. THINK LIKE A MAN sisters. Some of the longest marriages, the woman paid for the ring. In some others, the man borrowed the money to buy the Catholic-church-quality ring costing less than 100 naira yet replaced it in an anniversary with diamonds and carats.  Go and find out. Plus there must be some advantages in being richer than your man COMMON!!! You know this don't you???

Oh the movie. Yes Lauren (Taraji P's Character) was embarrased in dating a waiter, but the alternative to her handsome, virile broke waiter was Morris Chestnut upwardly mobile character who has the world at his feet and sadly Lauren too ...not so desireable after all.

For those who choose to "wait on the Lord" to provide their man, I am sure God is saying "Shuo! I have made her beautiful, made her intelligent, put a lot of handsome older, younger, richer, poorer, finer, uglier, black, white, Chinese, albino...all kinds of men in front of her, why is she still praying to me? On to the next one please. Angel Gabriel, What is the situation with Boko haram?"

Please go on, go see this movie. The Movie THINK LIKE A MAN is men trying to teach women how to get a man to be THEIR man, while this article is a man  bringing it home to his Nigerian sisters and wishing them all a happy married life in advance and by faith. Amen.