Wednesday, February 6, 2013

ARE YOU DATING/MARRIED TO A NIGERIAN MALE? CONGRATULATIONS By ENA OFUGARA



That song "Landlord travel and see" like most hi-life songs of yester-years makes perfect sense. The composer obviously realises that perhaps except you move from where you are, you may not be able to appreciate how good you have it. And this is most apt when it comes to Nigerian women who are dating/married to Nigerian men. They really do not appreciate just how good they have it.

Now how many of you have insulted the Nigerian man of being unloving, uncaring etc etc especially having read Romeo and Juliet or watched Leonardo Di Caprio say "you jump I jump" in the movie Titanic and actually give his life for Kate Winslett's character. Or perhaps you have watched as  oyibomen open the door for their women and you say to yourself  "My naija husband no go do am except the door hook or jam" 

As I usually do, I will enumerate reasons why you should be grateful you are married or dating a Nigerian

1. WE MAKE DECENT HONOURABLE WOMEN OF YOU

I knowingly mentioned this as number  one because it is most women's desire to be married.. If a Nigerian is unmarried at 35 and he has made money, even his friends begin to pressure him, how much more his mother. He is "forced" to pick a girl for himself as wife or his mother will quickly "organize" one for him. If at 39 he remains unmarried, know his finances are pretty bad and even then, the community may help fund a wife for him. Juxtapose this with Western men like George Clooney the actor who with his millions perennially remains an "eligible bachelor".

Further to this, sometimes we are unable to afford the HUGE cost of marrying which is practically "buying" a wife. (what is bride "price" if it is not purchase? What is bag of salt, yam drinks cloth for mother and father, cap, walking stick etc if not "trade by barter"? Yes the Ibos pay for a wife like they were buying a Bentley and even Binis and Urhobo who pay very little money still have a lot of hidden fees and charges.Compare this to the Western world where you just walk with her to  a court and marry her and later the girl calls her folks and says "I got married dad". Or even if there is a wedding, the bride's parents are traditionally known to bear the cost. Or consider India where the bride or her father pays the groom a fee couched as "dowry") and feeding tonnes of people you do not know. We therefore have to take a woman on "credit" and make children with her,, from that minute, she is considered our wife and in time we are made to go and pay the fees required or lose the children which are products of our loins and very hard work of our waists. (na work oh. You no dey see sweat?)
Now no matter the new girl we find and love later, if we have a woman who has borne one two or three children for us, our peers and family prevail on us to do the right thing and marry that woman who has borne kids for us. Juxtapose this with Americans or European men who will simply walk away from that woman and she would require the courts to make the man take care of the children under "child support". As for her, she has lost totally. 

2. WE ARE PROVIDERS FOR OUR WOMAN

The Nigerian man is the number one man in terms of providing for his woman. I went with a female classmate to buy lunch at Subway. As I was paying for both of the meals, she looked at me with surprise and told me I must be really new to this country. Now she is from Guyana. I asked her why and she said Americans hardly pay for meals for girls. She told me even if you and the girl are going to make out later, most dudes will pay for just theirs. I immediately told her that in Nigeria, men pay for everything a girl who is with them take. That many times if you invite a girl over for an outing, maybe a movie she brings all her roommates and you are forced to pay for all their meals and movie ticket however grudgingly. She said i was lying. I then opened my eyes to observe and she was as right as day.

As if that was not enough, I was hanging with a few dudes from other African countries and we were discussing about the pressures from back home and all of them were talking about sending their girls school fees. I mentioned Brazilian hair and ipads and the ghanaian guy laughed so loud at me. I asked if he has never sent money home for his girl to do Brazilian hair and he said "Charlie what for? Am I her father? No wonder naija man do 419 and credit card fraud. You people like big big things too much" I then remembered the song "Ashawo" by Flavour ft those Ghanaian rappers (The Rex Lawson cover) wherein one said "she like money like a naija man". The Kenyan was just staring and  saying he knows Nigerians always send money to their girlfriends. I then remembered that in Ghana it is the women that do most of the providing and the Ghanaian man is ordinarily content with the little he has.

WE ARE PROVIDERS FOR OUR FAMILIES

Yes we brave the cold cold snow and do the strangest works so we can send money home for our fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters and even extended family. It is his pride to buy his parents a car and for his brothers to wear the best clothes and also to join him abroad at the earliest opportunity. He even tries to get his best friends to join him at his expense. When you see a Nigerian building a house, it is usually not for him. He will most likely spend the rest of his days abroad. But still he sends money home....moneys that most often than not are misappropriated and the house he thinks he is building exists only in his dreams. Still the Nigerian sends money home. Still he faces the extortion of "omonile" and "deve" collectors and builds so his parents can live their last days in comfort or sometimes for the emotive satisfaction that he owns a house back home. If he has a son or daughter that he made before traveling or on some of his journeys back home, that child is an immediate "ajebutter" as he provides for the child and the mother. He does not need the courts to garnish his salary in the name of "Child support" to provide for his flesh and blood. That is the Nigerian male. A PROVIDER.

3. WE ARE MAJORLY STRAIGHT

Old as I am, i still do not know a gay Nigerian. Yes there are but I do not know any personally. But in about a year of being in the US, I have seen quite a number enough to have "evolved"  with my feelings about gays. (yes I now see it as normal. no blame me. In Rome....) If a Nigerian says he is hanging with his male  friend, be not afraid. The worst they can do is get a few women who they will forget the next day. But in Europe and America, the woman has to be afraid of her husband's male friends as well which totally doubles the pressure and suspicions.  many a woman have come home and met their men with a man. That is the worst form of unfaithfulness as it is clear he may never have wanted you in the first place and that you were merely a cover and a ruse. So if you date or are married to a Nigerian, be afraid of Ekaette the housegirl, or Sonia, the neighbour or Victoria the secretary. If you are married to an American or European, be afraid of houseboy, housegirl, male and female secretary etc. So the Nigerian halves your troubles.

4. IT IS INDEED TILL DEATH DO US PART

Of over 160 million people, how many cases of divorce are there? Yes the numbers increase daily but the Nigerian man keeps his wife. Now the American and European meet a new girl that totally takes over his cranium. He comes home and says "honey, I am leaving. I cheated on you and I love her" He destroys his family, the courts decide who keeps the children and sometimes the woman loses them as the man may get custody or even when she has custody, she has to bring up the children without a father-figure in the house. Now in the Nigerian's case, even when his wife is now fat and old and unattractive, he does not put her away. He may keep a girl outside and spend many evenings with her. But he comes home to his family at night and the children are not from broken homes with all of the dysfunction that follow. He and his wife maintain a cordial working relationship that keeps the family together. As is usual, sometimes the love for that outside girl wanes or she is married off by someone else or at worst even if he marries her, (which is very rare nowadays) she is usually far away from the house of his wife and he leaves home every now and then which is no different from a woman whose husband is abroad or works offshore. I have argued this point severally here and many oyibos agree with me that a lot of these women who are so broken and clinically depressed and suicidal from their husbands leaving would have gladly accepted to share him. In my Sapele parlance, "at all at all na weeensh and naim bad pass" and many women who stay with such husbands find out that the love grows again as they grow older and that wildness of middle-age crisis which make men seek younger flesh passes and he is theirs alone again.

5. NIGERIAN MALE IS AMBITIOUS> HE CLIMBS THE LADDER.

If you meet a Nigerian, a Ghanaian and a Sierra Leonian in a MacDonald serving fries, come back in a year and the Nigerian has become a car seller, he is in college studying medicine or nursing or in prison. etc. he is just no longer serving fries. The Ghanaian may have moved toasistant manager while the Sierra Leonian still likely sell the fries (which is honest good work and pays bills) I found when I got here how respected the Nigerian is. YES RESPECTED. he is held in awe because either by fair or foul means, he will make good.

6. The Nigerian man is hardly ever depressed and suicidal. Yes he may think it when things turn really bad but because of the belief in a miraculous God, he soldiers on. If you compare him to his European or American counterpart and have the American go through what the Nigerian ggoes through, he would pick up a gun and kill everyone, starting with his wife and children. A Nigerian will never do such a dastardly act (Boko Haram and Mutallab is religious nonsense.) If a Nigerian kills his wife, know it is for ritual purposes and he will use the money to train the kids and build churches and carsfor pastor and give scholarships. He will not just kill because he is down. So by and large, you are very safe with a Nigerian.

7 GLOBALLY RECOGNIZED  SEXUAL PROWESS (You can stop reading now if you are under 18 cos this goes raunchy and funny)

The West African woman is said to be the most fertile in the world but I usually ask "na them dey give themselves belle?" NO! Many Urhobo chiefs have up to sixty children and to know their children they ask "ono oni vwe" (who is your mother?) I do not believe we need too much proof as to this considering women from far and wide, from every nook and cranny of the planet, despite all what they have heard of Nigerians still travel down, risking kidnapping etc to marry Nigerians in our courts.  Women talk!!! They will describe  the size of your male member with their friends and say just how prolific or lack thereof you are. Thus by reputation and first person testimony, these women come looking for Nigerian men. WHY? The foreign women have money, often have had two or three kids, they can have sex with their fellow Europeans or Americaans but still they come for the Nigerian with all the bad things said about us. Like I said in an earlier article, "monkey is for play". (No racist pun intended If the Nigerian man was no-good, world over we will not remain the doyen we are.")

A lady told me that because for long periods Nigerian male children do not wear panties and since his little member is left to dangle left and right in the hot African sun, it loses a lot of sensitivity and or has by default acclimatized to the warm conditions of the female......em em.... and so does not hurriedly ejaculate. Now a look at any given porn will reveal how much work oyibo woman has to do get the man to "rise to the occasion".  The Nigerian man, if he is expecting a girl, his "osho" rises immediately it hears a bike stop and or a knock on his door and if it is not the girl, sadly angrily "osho" goes back down. The girl's arrival is all the foreplay he needs. To make matters worse, the average Nigerian boy now drinks "kasaprenko, Dakar, skiai/ogofi/akpeteshi with obukuyeke roots like they were drinking beer and these are very potent aphrodisiacs I hear. Burantashi has been available aeons ago to the hausa man even before oyibo discovered Viagra. Thus the Nigerian youth is a moving-mating-machine. And this is just what the females ordered from the menu i am told.....moving-mating-machines.

There is a caveat however. The females now need more than just hip action from the Nigerian.( I will try and be a "CUNNING-LINGUIST" with this one, so try and catch my meaning. This is very funny.) and many a Nigerian male are averse to it.

This Jamaican lady was dating this Nigerian and was excited about it having heard how endowed and prolonged Nigerians can be when.......em em. Okay so she "used her head"  and expected Okechukwu to do the same. She laid back and Okechukwu made to em..em... So she said

Jamaican Lady: "wyait a minute. Wa Gwan youth man? Ya no know what a gyal need?. Ya must afi use ya tongue on me punani"

Okechukwu: Mba! I cannot do that. I cannot use the mouth I used to take Holy Communion this morning in Catholic church to do such a thing. It is a taboo to do this where I am from. I came from there, To go back there is spiritual backwardness

The Jamaican lady let it go for two straight nights. The third night, Okechukwu having collected "some of her brains from her head" was about to go to hip action when he saw a gun pointed at his head

Jamaican Girl : Bumbumcloth Nigerian. Ya collect ya no give? Wat ya take me for? Stupid Nigerian lady? Me nuh galong like that. Ya better lick it and lick it good. Bumbumcloth!!!" 

So Okechukwu bent down and drank from the source of life. He shined the bowl thoroughly and everytime she wriggled and squirmed, his heart skipped many beats praying she does not squeeze the trigger by mistake.

Now the above is one of the little struggles of a few traditional Nigerian men and this other illustration that happened in Africa may make you understand just how far the Nigerian male has come

Chief Ogheneovo was an Isoko/Urhobo King to be. He started getting fatter and fatter and it became obvious it was not usual.so he went to see a "dokita" who gave him "merecine" and then injected him with "egwede"  all to no avail. As is usual with village chiefs, they went to see the village "ogbeburu" (dibia, diviner, shaaman) who said Chief Ogheneovo has to confess in the village square what he did in private. So the whole village gathered and the high priest asked the heir apparent to the throne

High Priest : (In full regalia and with a staff and in all gravity) Chief Ogheneovo, ki diye vwo ruru? (What did you do)?

Chief Ogheneovo: Mi rwe omuovo re (I did nothing)

High Priest : For the second time, Chief Ogheneovo, diye vwo ruru? (what did u do?)

Chief Ogheneovo: MI rwe emuovo ooo (I did nothing)

The villagers started begging chief

"To ta chief(talk). kemu kemu (everything) has a solution "

The chief priest then warns chief ogheneovo about the impact of denying three times and goes on to ask the very final time

CHIEF PRIEST: Chief Ogheneovo, diye wo ruruuuuuuuuuuuu

Chief Ogheneovo: (Looks right and left...eyes sparkling, ) mi,,,, mi (he stammers) Mi lalo okhoro ( I performed cunninligus or went down on a woman) Na my small new wife cause am. she say I must do am. say na so oyibo dey do am"

The whole village erupted in cries and wails. The women loosened their wrappers and fell to the ground in tears. The children were befuddled asking
Children : "what did Chief do?"
Women : Noooooooooo. Chief lalo okhoro!!!!.... Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

The Chief Priest loved Chief Ogheneovo. He wanted to see how to use a waiver for chief. Chief was his candidate for the throne and many a goat had come to himfrom chief. So he asked chief

CHIEF PRIEST: Na bo wo ruo wa. How did you do it? Did u put a finger inside the pot of soup and lick your fingers or did you deep your head and use your tongue to scrub every corner? Say the truth!

CHIEF OGHENEOVO: I used my tongue. It is what she said I should do.

The village erupted in fresh wails and screams. even the children started crying. and thus was chief left alone at the village square to his fate and for what?.


Okay, so there are a few things  the  Nigerian male might hesitate to do. (many are pros at this, make no mistake)and sometimes they may not be too helpful with the house chores or cook (many are better cooks than women and are more hardworking than even Akpan the houseboy). A few may be fraudulent (most are honest gentlemen) and some stupid enough to traffic drugs in Malaysia and face hanging. But on a whole, the Nigerian man is brilliant, hardworking, kind, friendly and to date and marry one is to be blessed immensely.

Maybe also ask Nigerian women who have lived abroad and been with whitemen and men from other cultures why they rather be with a Nigerian. Yes ask the girls and perhaps you will look at your husband/boyfriend with a lot more respect as many oyibo would gladly take him from you.


YES OH! We must like the agama lizard that jumps from a palm tree and gets no praise, nod our own head in acknowledgement of our feat. So to the Nigerian male I say SALUTE!!!